As of right now, the agony my friends and family would have to endure as a result of my suicide is probably still greater than the relief derived from my suicide by those I've been a dick to. But I seem to be working hard to invert that every day. Seems like I should probably end it soon before causing further damage. Right now I'm aiming for January 15th. Going to give my self some time to change my mind. I know I shouldn't make this decision hastily. Making this post is also motivated by egotism and self-centeredness. I'm in part motivated by the thought of someone in my life finding this and thinking "look at how self-critical he is, he was probably a pretty good intelligent guy". My suicidal ideation is also motivated by those things. Maybe I think I'll finally be important because I've had a big impact on the life of my friends and family by killing myself, I probably imagine I will receive attention and people will think about me "he clearly felt a lot of guilt for the bad shit he did so he was probably an ok guy" lol. This is an incoherent ramble but maybe it's meaningful or interesting to someone idk.
every admission of wrongdoing or communication of guilt is just strategic in order to trick people in to thinking I'm a good person again. Might even be ethically obligated to kill myself
every admission of wrongdoing or communication of guilt is just strategic in order to trick people in to thinking I'm a good person again. Might even be ethically obligated to kill myself
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