I can't believe I'm actually going through with it. I can't spend another semester alone in college. This semester I tried rushing so I could join a fraternity and have friends and so I could finally feel like a "cool" kid. Terrible reasons to join I know but it was my last shot before I turned too old (I'm going to be 21. They typically take 18 year olds). Not a single fraternity wanted to take me in. There were all types of guys that found their place yet I couldn't, if that's not a sign I don't know what is. I'm going to skip class this week and prepare, I'll probably get a hotel and take SN. (I just took a small whiff at it and I'm already having a little trouble breathing and I'm feeling lightheaded). I can't function socially. I don't know how I even made it this far in life. I'm done at this point, there's no saving me. Ideally I should wait it out and think but I can't mentally withstand going to class anymore, seeing people with friends and hearing them talk about how crazy their party was makes me feel worse. I think I should ctb this week.
Jrmull1993
Warlock
- Jul 13, 2022
- 758
Suicide isn't something one "thinks" they should do. You have to know it's the right answer.
Any bit of secondguessing means it's not your time. And on top of it, no one likes a frat boy, there are much better ways to try and make real friends.
Thanks for your words. I said I "think" because there's a small part of me that hopes someone will come out and save me but I know this won't happen. Even my therapist abandoned me and I thought she cared for me.
Making friends is not an option anymore. Even the fraternities that weren't stereotypical frat boys didn't want me.
You my friend are the type of person that I would be hanging out with because It seems as though you're a leader and not a follower
While I don't know you I'd just like to say please hang on. Really think about it before you decide to do something so final. If anything please read more stories of others before you conclude anything
Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Really sad to read, I'm sorry to see that you suffer this much...
I understand what you live, no matter in which institution I went, the way was each time the same. Like you, feeling alone and not socially compatible, relying on ourselves is even better that trying to trust someone.
I tkink I understand, feeling this unfair, understandable, rejected. If this is how you feel at the moment, know that we're here :)
We read you and we love you <3
I wish you peace, may you find happiness wathever you choose to do <3
LaVieEnRose
Angelic
- Jul 23, 2022
- 4,174
Therapy is an artificial relationship based on contractual principles. While being abandoned by your therapist certainly hurts, it doesn't really reflect on you.
I'm sorry no fraternity accepted you. Maybe there was simply more demand than space available or like you said they preferred somewhat younger guys. But you're hardly old at all. Sometimes it takes a while to find one's people. Do you have an social supports at school already?
Zegers
Enlightened
- Dec 15, 2021
- 1,761
Come on man, you're going to ctb because you're not accepted into a stupid fraternity? and i know how you feel, i was like a ghost during my time there but give yourself some time and think about all your options. you can read a lot about loneliness on reddit.
Obliviate
Abandon All Hope
- Aug 13, 2022
- 799
As someone who has had every friend betray them, I learned it's better to be all alone. Yeah it get's lonely but atleast you're not going through toxic situations. I learned that humans are disgusting and everyone WILL betray you at one point. Don't get to close to anyone, mind your business, don't think with your emotions and that is the best way to not get hurt. I had to learn the hard way. I had my own mental health specialist abandon me, people I was suppose to trust so. I honestly love being alone. No drama. No crap. Finding joy in yourself and being a introvert is the secret that I found to life. And this is coming from someone who had tried very hard to fit in. People are assholes. It's just that. My best bet is to just stay away and do you.
I have given myself enough time. I've been thinking about it on and off for a year now. I had a chance back then but now I don't . I don't see anything I could do with my life now. Even if I improved the trauma will always be there. I'm fucked
atonofdespair24
Never enough
- May 2, 2022
- 30
Is this the only 'big' issue per say behind your plan to ctb? I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like you really WANT to do it, it sounds like you feel cornered or are acting out of initial fear. College can be so fucking lonely, trust me I've experienced that.
That is just my initial judgement, please don't take that the wrong way. I am not trying to invalidate why you feel the need to do this. Those feelings fucking suck dude. PM me if you'd like to talk about it more, I'm the same age as you and have some firsthand insight on all that stuff
Yeah it took until she abandoned me that I realized it was fake. I was never vulnerable with someone and I guess I got too attached.
Me too. Realistically I'm not the kind of person you would let into your fraternity, it's just sad seeing all the other guys eyes light up when they got accepted meanwhile I had to walk to my room alone. I don't have any social support here. I'm too tired to reach out again.
It's not the only thing but it basically summarizes my life. Rejection and loneliness. I've been feeling this way since before college. This was the final straw. I wish I could explain better but I don't know… I don't know anything anymore
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I am sorry you are hurting so much over the fraternity groups. It sounds very clicky. If you are here I wonder if you need better friends than clicky people. Do you have any other interests that you can see if there are meetings for or something? Possibly even outside of the school? When I moved to my last town I basically knew nobody and joined a certain group to play a game that I enjoy. It was a good way to get to know people and I still have a couple friends from that experience, and I have moved away from there.
I hope you find some way to meet some good friends. Hugs
I hope you find some way to meet some good friends. Hugs
Astral Storm
Existence hurts too much
- Aug 10, 2022
- 74
It sounds really terrible and I am so sorry that you are hurting. I know this kind of distress, anger and confusion very well.
I spent many nights asking that why I am a freak who can't make friends. I tried to be friendly but I am just really quiet and serious usually. The thing is that I got tired of forcing myself to behave in a different way. I was an outcast in almost every school but I learned to make peace with it. I accepted it and I felt much more better. Now I am perfectly fine with being alone all the time.
If you are not ready to commit suicide then don't do it. You should be fully sure of it. I was just like you and I thought about these kind of things too but years passed and school is only a small part. Just try to hold on a bit. I hope it will work out for you!
I spent many nights asking that why I am a freak who can't make friends. I tried to be friendly but I am just really quiet and serious usually. The thing is that I got tired of forcing myself to behave in a different way. I was an outcast in almost every school but I learned to make peace with it. I accepted it and I felt much more better. Now I am perfectly fine with being alone all the time.
If you are not ready to commit suicide then don't do it. You should be fully sure of it. I was just like you and I thought about these kind of things too but years passed and school is only a small part. Just try to hold on a bit. I hope it will work out for you!
WhatPowerIs
Paragon
- Jun 19, 2022
- 958
I would like to ask you to please hang on for a little while longer. You don't have to listen to me but I want you to know that there are other options. Do you have many online friends? I find it easier to make friends online than real life because I feel like I can express myself freely under an anonymous name, more than I can in real life. Even a place like this you can end up making friends if you want.
sewercide
drowning in the sewer
- Aug 13, 2022
- 84
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,172
To me, people really can be so disappointing and I know that loneliness can be painful for many. I'm sorry that life has brought you to this point. Only you know what is best for yourself as after all it's your life and your decision. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. I do remember trying to fit in with people myself but always feeling different. I'm pretty much a hermit now.
If you choose to carry on, I would say that it helps to be around like-minded people- people who have similar interests to you- makes it easier to talk about stuff. Are you part of any clubs? Do you have any hobbies? Sorry- I know that's super cliché but I think it sometimes is a case that the people around you just aren't your type- so it's really difficult to relate to them.
Of course, it sadly requires a load of effort to make and maintain social relationships and I completely understand that it probably all feels too much. That's my situation really- I probably would be happier if I had more social connections but the social anxiety and fear of rejection always win out.
I'm sorry about your therapist too. I agree- it's extremely difficult opening up to a total stranger about very personal things. It must have been hard to be abandoned by her.
I do hope that you are able to find peace- whatever your decision and wish you all the best.
If you choose to carry on, I would say that it helps to be around like-minded people- people who have similar interests to you- makes it easier to talk about stuff. Are you part of any clubs? Do you have any hobbies? Sorry- I know that's super cliché but I think it sometimes is a case that the people around you just aren't your type- so it's really difficult to relate to them.
Of course, it sadly requires a load of effort to make and maintain social relationships and I completely understand that it probably all feels too much. That's my situation really- I probably would be happier if I had more social connections but the social anxiety and fear of rejection always win out.
I'm sorry about your therapist too. I agree- it's extremely difficult opening up to a total stranger about very personal things. It must have been hard to be abandoned by her.
I do hope that you are able to find peace- whatever your decision and wish you all the best.
I've done that all my life. I don't think I can live like that anymore. I've always wanted a place to belong.
I struggle to make friends online. Even behind a screen I can't be myself. Everything I try or that is suggested will end up causing me problems. I REALLY wanted to be in a fraternity so I could be the kind of person I wanted since high school. I was bullied for being different, I couldn't accept that I had different interests from everyone at school. I hated myself for being different, all I wanted was to be like them and fit in and I still can't get over it.
WhatPowerIs
Paragon
- Jun 19, 2022
- 958
I'm sorry. I wish there was a way I could give you a hug. I understand the self-loathing that comes from being different, not being able to fit in. A lot of people on the forum sympathize with your position and have been in your shoes themselves. I understand your position and I don't want to force you into doing anything but if you want to make friends here, you can, we're all here for you and I mean it!
