Venting It's one of those days

[NoLoveNoHope]

I just want to be gone, maybe dying will be comforting, like lying down in a field of flowers as the world slowly crumbles and shatters along with you. I don't even understand why I'm still here, all these days wasting away waiting to rot and decay. It's so cruel to be here - to experience sentience and this world, what even lead us to this point anyway?

I remember reading somewhere (don't take my word for it) that depression makes people see the world far more realistically - doesn't that mean we're in clearer mind than those not? and yet some still preach life, I just don't understand, maybe ignorance truly is bliss after all?

My goals, aspiration - hopes and dreams are well... meaningless - the same as everything in this accursed world. Why live? Why feel pain, hurt, suffering just for a small little bonus.... why...? It feels like I have a carrot on a stick in front of me - chasing an impossible goal, why should I run hopelessly?

They say life is a gift but I don't want it, a miracle of beating the odds - overcoming struggle after struggle until we got here. All that to end up with a lonely sack of shit who sits in her room all days, why even bother? Is my lifestyle of just mindlessly acting "good"? I am lonely - I don't go outside, I don't have any real life friends; I have nothing.

They told me the real world is difficult, they told me that it'll be better - I'll be bouncing with joy, friends by my side, companions till death does us part - a good life. They lied, I have nobody by my side, I look to my left and see nobody, the right - nobody. An engineer, maybe an astrophysicist - a high achiever reaching new heights for human achievement - still nothing.

Why have faith? Look where it got me, sure I can get better - maybe be happy, or I could get pushed down further. I'm not taking any risks, I haven't hit rock bottom yet - it's like an eternal void waiting for me to slip and fall.

"You may be at rock bottom but now the only way is up."

I'm nowhere close. I live a "good" life. I am privileged in so many ways and despite all that, I'm still here - vying for the sweet embrace of death. The static void comforts me. It's not dark - not light, it's something different. Human language cannot convey what the void is except eternal nothingness - a state of absence.

The question comes up why yearn for the abyss?

The unchanging constant - you are safe where you are, things won't change. Nothing can hurt you, nothing can come close anymore - you don't need to be afraid now. I see it as the final escape - when all else fails, why not?

It feels warm, comforting even motherly to an extent. The void is calming, maybe even calling my name. I hope that is the afterlife I face if you can even call it that.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

I remember reading somewhere (don't take my word for it) that depression makes people see the world far more realistically - doesn't that mean we're in clearer mind than those not? and yet some still preach life, I just don't understand, maybe ignorance truly is bliss after all?

That's depressive realism, it isn't conclusive with the studies but yes, some depressive people can see the world more realistically or some aspects of it at least

My goals, aspiration - hopes and dreams are well... meaningless - the same as everything in this accursed world. Why live? Why feel pain, hurt, suffering just for a small little bonus.... why...? It feels like I have a carrot on a stick in front of me - chasing an impossible goal, why should I run hopelessly?

That's the question I asked myself again and again and there was no answer. Honestly, having 30 good days in a year doesn't justify the other bad ones.

They told me the real world is difficult, they told me that it'll be better - I'll be bouncing with joy, friends by my side, companions till death does us part - a good life. They lied, I have nobody by my side, I look to my left and see nobody, the right - nobody. An engineer, maybe an astrophysicist - a high achiever reaching new heights for human achievement - still nothing.

They maybe tell you this to get your hopes up. Optimists are pretty blind always thinking that things will change and repeating the same thing over and over again, just push through and crap, seems like insanity to me.

I'm nowhere close. I live a "good" life. I am privileged in so many ways and despite all that, I'm still here - vying for the sweet embrace of death. The static void comforts me. It's not dark - not light, it's something different. Human language cannot convey what the void is except eternal nothingness - a state of absence.

Well, it your life, you do what you do with it. Society doesn't understand that we own our bodies yet. The void, the nothingness, it seems like a good dream, where nothing bad happens, I wish I could "live" in the void as well

It feels warm, comforting even motherly to an extent. The void is calming, maybe even calling my name. I hope that is the afterlife I face if you can even call it that.

On this subject, no one knows exactly what will happen, but let's hope for the best, meaning the void, no other afterlife.

 

[charlotte_]

This is very well said. I wholeheartedly agree with you in every single words. From what I see, life is a spiral of chaos mess. Whether we thrive or die is strictly inclined on luck. If you're lucky enough to have a personality and view that fits society's standards, then you'll be good as you are. If you aren't, then you either give up on your individuality or cope alone. I understand your loneliness. I really envy people who are likeable. It's hard to imagine how someone could always have friends and closed one to rely on. No matter who I have, deep inside I still feel alone. It's a weird feeling, isn't it? You can feel alone with no one or everyone. You can crave suicide with a crappy background or a decent one. Perhaps, our fates had been decided ever since we entered this world. It truly is cruel how society and medias only showcase the ones who find beauty in life, while ignoring those who don't. It's not like anyone asked to be this way either. We just are, as a consequence of life's cruelty. We can't choose whether we're born, how our life goes, or how our natural death will come. It truly is insane. I wish that life never existed in the first place, so that we can just be at peace forever. Anyway, I wish you the best, whether path you choose to go on.

 

[FuneralCry]

To me the thought of permanent nothingness certainly is so incredibly ideal to me, it's very much understandable just wishing to not exist as death is the absence of all suffering and harm, and there are no disadvantages to not existing, the fact is that this unnecessary, futile existence isn't for everyone. Those who push the "life is a gift" beliefs really are insensitive to me, I personally have enough awareness to recognise that existence is just a cruel burden that never needed to exist, where only suffering, loss and decay are inevitable. But anyway I wish you the best.