(Take this as kinda poetry. I don't know if it can be emotionally overwhelming for some, but I heard I'm supposed to give the warning, so here it is. Stop reading/read at your own risk, I think is what I'm supposed to say.)
I heard there seems to be a few "problems" with me, but I don't think they are actually problems, right? It's not like being all alone and having literally no friends is something to worry about. I mean, a lot of people live like that, right? They say "everyone has at least one friend" but it's probably okay to not have any, and besides online conversations probably count as some sort of actual connection. I mean in any case, some people don't have a lot of money and people don't complain that much about it, right? So it's probably okay to live like this.
Besides, there's really nothing wrong. It's all just a bad dream. I don't have to do anything to myself, or harm myself in any way. Those things aren't part of me! The very idea is laughable isn't it? It's not like I have to pretend I don't want to throw myself into a fast-going vehicle every single time I see one or anything like that.
But if nothing is wrong, why does it feel like I'm in a state of denial? Why does it feel like I'm describing exactly what I'm going through, but through a third person lens? Why does it feel like... it's not me?
Some people are really troubled, and they deny their obvious state of decay. But that obviously isn't me. People always say "there are so many people in a worse situation than you are", so it must be true, I guess. Still...
What is all this mental madness? I can't relate with anyone so, yeah it has to be a bad dream. Dreams are very personal right? So it makes sense I wouldn't relate to anyone. Because it's all part of the dream, not reality. Not the physical reality I experiment along with what are supposed to be other people like me. But I don't feel connected to them. Whenever they ask me how I am, I just... what am I supposed to say? What is it to 'how to be' anyways? Is that some sort of tradition they brought from some kind of unknown planet in the Universe or something along those lines?
I genuinely don't understand. It's all so confusing!
They say I act like a child. And that I should keep some things to myself.
Some people compliment me, and it's not like they would say otherwise if they knew the full me, right?
Time passes so, so slowly. It's been barely 1 or 2 years since my last post, no, probably even less than that, and barely over a decade since the time I could have been freed from the chains of this world. Maybe.
People sometimes also plain don't respond me. But that's normal, isn't it? I'm perfectly healthy. Or...
(Maybe they are afraid I'll hurt them? Wait, did I actually hurt someone? No, that would be impossible, because there is nothing wrong. But maybe... no, last time they said it was nothing, that I had nothing to apologize for. Maybe they were faking it? No, I don't know... that other time... maybe they really were hurt that one time? Can I tell how people really feel? Is it something I should worry about? Maybe that's what's wrong? No, nothing's wrong... I think?)
(Or maybe they don't know what they are supposed to say? Or how to help? Or whether they're supposed to do anything about it? But, that would imply... why am I here in the first place? I'm just a visitor, aren't I?)
(Why does my whole life feel like an identity crisis? Why can't I stop writing, why can't I stop hoping someone will understand, and there'll be light at the end of the tunnel? No there is no tunnel, I can say so many weird things. No they are not weird. Yes they are. I mean...)
(It's so confusing...)
It also feels like I'm getting madder and madder every moment. But there's nothing to worry about. There's nothing wrong. I'm pretty sure my knowledge of my surroundings has skyrocketed in the last few years so, I must have gotten better, right? Even if I am lonelier than ever, it seems I have a broader grasp of what I'm supposed to say and what I'm not supposed to say, so it's probably alright, right?
Yeah, it's all just in my head, of course there's nothing to worry about. It's alright. It's just my mind playing tricks. Everything is good. It has never been better.
Still, why does it feel like there's something terribly wrong going on in my head?
Why does it feel like I'm not even supposed to be here, writing this?
Why does it feel like I'm supposed to shout 'help', even when literally no one can help, when no meds, no therapy, can do anything to revert the effects of having seen what no human is supposed to see?
(Am I even human?)
Why does it feel like I'm supposed to be hospitalized, and treated like or worse than trash?
(why do I feel slightly better, even if it's all so pointless? why can't I feel bad in the same way than others? No, that's so wrong! ... it has to be, but is it?)
Why does it feel like despite all those feelings, there's absolutely nothing wrong? I mean there really isn't?
It's so useless. But again, even this text is useless and pointless because, there is nothing to worry about. (I'm just making people worry out of nothing.)
It's all just a bad dream. Right?
I'll wake up and my life will be as normal as it can be.
I heard there seems to be a few "problems" with me, but I don't think they are actually problems, right? It's not like being all alone and having literally no friends is something to worry about. I mean, a lot of people live like that, right? They say "everyone has at least one friend" but it's probably okay to not have any, and besides online conversations probably count as some sort of actual connection. I mean in any case, some people don't have a lot of money and people don't complain that much about it, right? So it's probably okay to live like this.
Besides, there's really nothing wrong. It's all just a bad dream. I don't have to do anything to myself, or harm myself in any way. Those things aren't part of me! The very idea is laughable isn't it? It's not like I have to pretend I don't want to throw myself into a fast-going vehicle every single time I see one or anything like that.
But if nothing is wrong, why does it feel like I'm in a state of denial? Why does it feel like I'm describing exactly what I'm going through, but through a third person lens? Why does it feel like... it's not me?
Some people are really troubled, and they deny their obvious state of decay. But that obviously isn't me. People always say "there are so many people in a worse situation than you are", so it must be true, I guess. Still...
What is all this mental madness? I can't relate with anyone so, yeah it has to be a bad dream. Dreams are very personal right? So it makes sense I wouldn't relate to anyone. Because it's all part of the dream, not reality. Not the physical reality I experiment along with what are supposed to be other people like me. But I don't feel connected to them. Whenever they ask me how I am, I just... what am I supposed to say? What is it to 'how to be' anyways? Is that some sort of tradition they brought from some kind of unknown planet in the Universe or something along those lines?
I genuinely don't understand. It's all so confusing!
They say I act like a child. And that I should keep some things to myself.
Some people compliment me, and it's not like they would say otherwise if they knew the full me, right?
Time passes so, so slowly. It's been barely 1 or 2 years since my last post, no, probably even less than that, and barely over a decade since the time I could have been freed from the chains of this world. Maybe.
People sometimes also plain don't respond me. But that's normal, isn't it? I'm perfectly healthy. Or...
(Maybe they are afraid I'll hurt them? Wait, did I actually hurt someone? No, that would be impossible, because there is nothing wrong. But maybe... no, last time they said it was nothing, that I had nothing to apologize for. Maybe they were faking it? No, I don't know... that other time... maybe they really were hurt that one time? Can I tell how people really feel? Is it something I should worry about? Maybe that's what's wrong? No, nothing's wrong... I think?)
(Or maybe they don't know what they are supposed to say? Or how to help? Or whether they're supposed to do anything about it? But, that would imply... why am I here in the first place? I'm just a visitor, aren't I?)
(Why does my whole life feel like an identity crisis? Why can't I stop writing, why can't I stop hoping someone will understand, and there'll be light at the end of the tunnel? No there is no tunnel, I can say so many weird things. No they are not weird. Yes they are. I mean...)
(It's so confusing...)
It also feels like I'm getting madder and madder every moment. But there's nothing to worry about. There's nothing wrong. I'm pretty sure my knowledge of my surroundings has skyrocketed in the last few years so, I must have gotten better, right? Even if I am lonelier than ever, it seems I have a broader grasp of what I'm supposed to say and what I'm not supposed to say, so it's probably alright, right?
Yeah, it's all just in my head, of course there's nothing to worry about. It's alright. It's just my mind playing tricks. Everything is good. It has never been better.
Still, why does it feel like there's something terribly wrong going on in my head?
Why does it feel like I'm not even supposed to be here, writing this?
Why does it feel like I'm supposed to shout 'help', even when literally no one can help, when no meds, no therapy, can do anything to revert the effects of having seen what no human is supposed to see?
(Am I even human?)
Why does it feel like I'm supposed to be hospitalized, and treated like or worse than trash?
(why do I feel slightly better, even if it's all so pointless? why can't I feel bad in the same way than others? No, that's so wrong! ... it has to be, but is it?)
Why does it feel like despite all those feelings, there's absolutely nothing wrong? I mean there really isn't?
It's so useless. But again, even this text is useless and pointless because, there is nothing to worry about. (I'm just making people worry out of nothing.)
It's all just a bad dream. Right?
I'll wake up and my life will be as normal as it can be.
