Venting .it's not stopping.

[wordsonscreen]

(riding waves of flashbacks and triggers- just want to share- no need to reply if you don't want to- i do not want your pity)


its too loud
The memories, the flashbacks, my own tears
I'm trying so hard to just keep myself busy
It does not work

My hands on my keyboard
- I cannot stop feeling the bruises from my wrists being held down - how are my arms still sore from the bruises from months ago?
- I cannot stop smelling it - I smell the man who raped me after I spent 2 hours baking bread for him - It wont stop -

I am not alone in my house
- There are too many people here - you can't see them because they live in my body
- I am stuck in my worst memories - but I wish they were just memories - I relive them - the flashbacks are ruthless - please make it stop -
Why can I still feel everything?

What am I buying groceries for
This body is not mine
apparently my abusers live here now
we all thought I escaped them but
like parasites
they crawled in my skin and built a home inside me

Please remove my skin
Cut the trauma out of me
it is taking everything to not place a knife in my heart right now
i will take anything over this torture
nothing sounds more loving and more merciful than metal piercing my ribs

I have nowhere to go
I am not safe at "home"
I cannot go back - my mother keeps asking me to come back - how can I forgive when I have scars on my body that remind me everything every day -
I am not safe in my own body
I feel like a rejected organ transplant
----in my own body

where do I go

when a single child dies of hunger, everyone in the village who ate has blood on their hands. we all failed each other.
until a single soul is being tormented, our work cannot be done.
my community has failed me​

I have so much love to give and I want to spend my life creating beauty but how can I when I have to beg and scrape for a moment of peace? How can the world ask me to be here when it has been hostile to me? How can people expect me to share my gifts when the world just watches me suffer?

no.

​

 

[blahblahhh]

I feel your power and resilience and I know there's a place, as deep as it is, inside of you that honors your strength.

 

[whywere]

Now 1st off I am NOT giving you pity. You ARE a global family member and I love and care for you. What you wrote breaks my heart into pieces as all the trauma that you have been through. you area VERY loving person and I am sending you hugs and the knowledge that WE are all here for you!! Walter

 

[wordsonscreen]

I feel your power and resilience and I know there's a place, as deep as it is, inside of you that honors your strength.

"We're all just walking each other home."-RD
This is one of my favorites from RD.

idk why but all responses are making me cry more. I want to ask why on earth you are being kind to me. Why not just be cruel so I can just leave- it would make it easier. Where tf were you all when I still wanted to live? But I guess thank you
Sorry for being bitter. I'm just in a very torn place. After everything, the love and kindness on SS feels so bittersweet. What am I supposed to do knowing that kindness exists and I missed out on it so much. sorry- just voicing my inner stuff, it is not about you.
Thank you, I appreciate your posts and energy.

Now 1st off I am NOT giving you pity. You ARE a global family member and I love and care for you. What you wrote breaks my heart into pieces as all the trauma that you have been through. you area VERY loving person and I am sending you hugs and the knowledge that WE are all here for you!! Walter

I love you too. Thank you you are such a warm person

 

[blahblahhh]

"We're all just walking each other home."-RD
This is one of my favorites from RD.

idk why but all responses are making me cry more. I want to ask why on earth you are being kind to me. Why not just be cruel so I can just leave- it would make it easier. Where tf were you all when I still wanted to live? But I guess thank you
Sorry for being bitter. I'm just in a very torn place. After everything, the love and kindness on SS feels so bittersweet. What am I supposed to do knowing that kindness exists and I missed out on it so much. sorry- just voicing my inner stuff, it is not about you.
Thank you, I appreciate your posts and energy.


I love you too. Thank you you are such a warm person

He was such a special Being. I'm happy to hear you were touched by him as well. Just take in whatever bit of sunshine you can allow! Feel, cry, release. Maybe there's, even brief, catharsis to still be had dear Sunbug.

He was such a special Being. I'm happy to hear you were touched by him as well. Just take in whatever bit on sunshine you can allow! Feel, cry, release. Maybe there's, even brief, catharsis to still be had dear Sunbug.

It's all proof you are at least still alive, breathing and interacting deeply with this horrifically beautiful human predicament.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

I have no words...

I feel like an imposter - I have never suffered the horrors you've suffered...

but this isn't about me!

After everything you've suffered, you are still an amazing, caring, empathetic human being, and you're still here, fighting your demons.
I wish you were able to continue living, past all of your suffering, as you have so much warmth and understanding to offer others who are feeling similar pain.

I wish you the very best, whatever your decision, going forward.

 

[wordsonscreen]

He was such a special Being. I'm happy to hear you were touched by him as well. Just take in whatever bit of sunshine you can allow! Feel, cry, release. Maybe there's, even brief, catharsis to still be had dear Sunbug.

Your words move me. Somehow, reading this pulled me through it. Thank you. This is such a beautiful reminder, nalando.

It's all proof you are at least still alive, breathing and interacting deeply with this horrifically beautiful human predicament.

fuck I forgot to reply to you- I was wondering how we have not talked already.
Thank you for being here.

I have no words...

I feel like an imposter - I have never suffered the horrors you've suffered...

but this isn't about me!

After everything you've suffered, you are still an amazing, caring, empathetic human being, and you're still here, fighting your demons.
I wish you were able to continue living, past all of your suffering, as you have so much warmth and understanding to offer others who are feeling similar pain.

I wish you the very best, whatever your decision, going forward.

You are not an imposter <3 we all have unique journeys! Your emotions are valid, always.
Thank you <3 I appreciate you. You are incredibly strong and kind.

 

[Wrennie]

Your pain is raw & poignant, and going from what you've written I can truly gather a sense of the sheer depth of your wounds (although I'm sure the internal reach of your torment runs so deep it would be a near impossibility to fully convey it in literary format). What was done to you was despicable - there is no doubt about it. For a person/s to knowingly induce that degree of suffering in another human being should be a punishable offense. I desperately wish that there were some way I could eternally banish those burdensome thoughts and the excruciating memories that plague you into the abyss & mend what ails you. I know that no such simple solution exists, though.

Just know we're all here, as a community, to lend you a shoulder to cry on & an ear to hear you out whenever you need it most. I know from personal experience that's often not enough in times of great distress, but we're all trapped in this Hellish existence together.

I can tell from the way your words flow that you have a natural affinity for poetry & self-expression. It takes true talent to translate your emotions into something so tragically beautiful. I yearn for there to be a day when the words inside your soul rearrange into an inner peace & serenity.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Your pain is raw & poignant, and going from what you've written I can truly gather a sense of the sheer depth of your wounds (although I'm sure the internal reach of your torment runs so deep it would be a near impossibility to fully convey it in literary form). What was done to you was despicable - there is no doubt about it. For a person/s to knowingly induce that degree of suffering in another human being should be a punishable offense. I desperately wish that there were some way I could eternally banish those burdensome thoughts and the excruciating memories that plague you into the abyss & mend what ails you. I know that no such simple solution exists, though.

Just know we're all here, as a community, to lend you a shoulder to cry on & an ear to hear you out whenever you need it most. I know from personal experience that's often not enough in times of great distress, but we're all trapped in this Hellish existence together.

I can tell from the way your words flow that you have a natural affinity for poetry & self-expression. It takes true talent to translate your emotions into something so tragically beautiful. I yearn for there to be a day when the words inside your soul rearrange into an inner peace & serenity.

I love you so much Wrennie :') I hope you know that I am constantly in awe of how brilliant, compassionate, and resilient you are. You always know the right words, even with people you just met. Thank you for reading between the lines, trying to understand me, and for always being so patient. It takes suffering to know suffering haha :p So yeah we are definitely trapped in this often hellish existence together <3 Tragically beautiful- I like this. I never really share personal writing- I am grateful for it to be received with so much love and gentleness. Your words are comforting I can also tell how you very easily could have condemned other humans but you focus on actions and emotions, leaving room for possibilities- I can feel the intentional clarity in the choice of your words. Thank you for being here.

"I yearn for there to be a day when the words inside your soul rearrange into an inner peace & serenity."
I love this. I might add it to my note in some way.