Venting It's not helping, it stops helping, it never helps enough anymore.

[itsmeagain]

I finally got a pair of earbuds to see if they would help me with some of my issues, and I'm listening to one of my favorite songs in my earbuds and it's all just not helping anymore. Nothing is helping... all the hugs, all the words, the accomplishments from completeing assignments, it all feels like absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm crumbling. Sometimes during the day I feel together, and then it just falls apart. I'm falling apart right now. The things that used to make me feel good and used to help aren'thelping anymore. I'm so glad that some of my friends stopped trying to help me, but at the same time I wish they would.

But it's just irrational, because when they do try to help, it doesn't help enough. Nothing helps enough anymore so it's best that when the time comes to CTB that I won't ahve anyone breathing down my neck, nobody holding me back anymore.

I wish it could help. Sometimes some of these things help, the few people I've met online actually help me the tiniest bit, but when night falls, when I wake up, when I'm stressed, when I have any reminder of the future in myhead, when people talk about their futures, about marrying, about getting older, about applying for jobs...


It's anytime that I spend here, anytime I spend away, it all just feels like one huge suicide list. I keep opening my suicide note andclosingit. I'm too stressed to say goodbye to anyone, I'm not even melancholy about it. When I started it, Ipounded out a bunch of personal notes all in one to a bunch of people, and it was so indifferent. Now it just feelslike everything is boiling over and these things won't get out of my head. They won't get out.

I was trying so hard, SO hard to keepup mycareer here incollege in case I didn't want to CTB, but I do. I also don't wantto be under suspician for not showing up to classes or doing my work because then I'll never get my chance. I'm panicking doing mywork, I'm panicking when I'm not doing my work. If I'm calm, I'm acceptingly suicidal, if I'm frustrated, I'm impulsively suicidal. If I'm a littlehappy, I can't think but how much I'll want toCTB when I come down from this mood.

It wont' go away. The only thing that's going away were the people that I thought cared about me, and it's just so much.

 

[faust]

I know how it feels
And letting you know that I am with you, you are not alone
If you are still in college, you could be able to withdraw from the year and do a medical repeat after that.
I am on repeat now, but I don't need college anymore, I will CTB anyway.
If you don't want to burn bridges after you, you can simply take a vacation by withdrawing from course for a while.
Sorry, might be different in your country, just know that colleges are not neglecting those who experience problems.
It is typical that your hobbies do not give pleasure to you anymore. And I am sorry for that. Luckily, if you planning to CTB or to start a new life, there are lots of things you can try. Maybe it will make you feel more alive.
Sending you lots of peace and love ^^

 

[itsmeagain]

I know how it feels
And letting you know that I am with you, you are not alone
If you are still in college, you could be able to withdraw from the year and do a medical repeat after that.
I am on repeat now, but I don't need college anymore, I will CTB anyway.
If you don't want to burn bridges after you, you can simply take a vacation by withdrawing from course for a while.
Sorry, might be different in your country, just know that colleges are not neglecting those who experience problems.
It is typical that your hobbies do not give pleasure to you anymore. And I am sorry for that. Luckily, if you planning to CTB or to start a new life, there are lots of things you can try. Maybe it will make you feel more alive.
Sending you lots of peace and love ^^

Thank you Faust, but the thing is, it's more difficult than just abandoning college. I am so locked in college it's ridiculous. I'm going to get accomodations (extended time for work and whatnot), but my parents are affording my college. I already was hospitalized once and my dad, for the only thing in his life, didn't take me out of college because when I got out I was better and worked through it and I've been better since. If I were to pop up again and say that I need to withdraw, I would most likely not even graduate from college at all. My parents said they want me doing the four years at this college only, and I'm certain that if I took a break, I would no doubt have to live back with them. Which, believe it or not, is an EVEN WORSE sentence than here. If I'm fucked up here, I can be alone, I can go out and get a drink, I have some friends in the vicinity for as little as that helped... my parents are utterly horrible, and if I went home I'd have to do construction work every day, get up so early and work all day in the dirt...

It would be a quicker and absolute death sentence than simply staying in college.

I have nowhere to go. I have nobody to be with. I have no friends that wouldever let mebe with the kid who dropped out of college for a semester whether i planned on going back or not because I would just never be able to find a job, ESPECIALLYfor a college dropout...

This is where my odds are the best, but, instead of being 1% here, it's in the NEGATIVES back at home. I can get the slighest amount of alone time at home, and I have the power to CTB here whenever I want, really. Idon't have that at home truly. Myparents pay for my car insurance, they pay forthe roof over my head, and the one friend who offered to have me over would never let me stay if all I did was take a "Break" from college because not only would she not be at home beacuse shes going to my college, I wouldn't be able to do the labor for the house to keep it steady anyways as a small consolation forstaying there.

I'm trapped, I'm so trapped. Sometimes I just want to getin my fucky car and drive somewhere else and just disappear from everyone everywhere.

 

[socrates]

Maybe head phones will do the trick. The worst thing about depression is how it steals the the things we love the most, are hobbies are dreams, even isolating us from the people we love. I don't blame you for wanting to CTB, lots of people have no idea of what this kind of thing can do to you. Your not alone though, sometimes colleges have support groups for students with mental illness. It might not be a bad idea to meet up with local people who can relate to your pain. I hope you get some relief soon.

 

[itsmeagain]

Maybe head phones will do the trick. The worst thing about depression is how it steals the the things we love the most, are hobbies are dreams, even isolating us from the people we love. I don't blame you for wanting to CTB, lots of people have no idea of what this kind of thing can do to you. Your not alone though, sometimes colleges have support groups for students with mental illness. It might not be a bad idea to meet up with local people who can relate to your pain. I hope you get some relief soon.

I haven't heard about something like that here. I know there's things like therapy, but I don't really want to commit to it. I don't want to have something happen where I leak too much information, and, suddenly, I'm the person who's actually serious about CTB. In a way such that, other people wished to die, wanted to die, but I'm the one with the note, the method, and saying only what makes other people not go crazy is the barrier between me feeling like anything could help.

But, even with me speaking about it here, andspeaking to a therapist for a one-time meeting.... it's not enough. it keeps taking things from me. you're so right.