Venting It's not a matter of whether I will or not, it's just a matter of when. Anyone else?

[burdenox]

Been suicidal since I was 14. I'm 19 now. I've done everything. Therapy, medication, distractions, mindfulness, self-improvement, everything. None of that's really helped and tbh, I'm just about done.

As much as id love just to go now, (I live near a train station so it'll most likely be that.) I would hate myself for leaving the few people that love me behind especially since my brother died recently. It's really just that that's stopping me, but I also feel like I'm running out of time. I wanted to ctb before I turned 18. the thought of being an adult and having all these responsibilities, getting stuck in a shitty 9/5 job for the rest of my life and being a waste of resources and money, that terrified me. and I was right to be terrified. unfortunately, I listened to people when they told me things would get better and that uni would be fun. They were wrong, I'm failing in every aspect of life right now and it's FAR from fun. I really REALLY want to go. I'm tempted to make everyone hate me and be a total piece of shit and then do it so hopefully, people won't really care. But even if I, for example, wait till my grandparents die, which seems sooner rather than later, then id be leaving my little brother and my mother on their own. if I wait until after my mother dies that could take decades and I can't wait that long AND I'll leave my little brother completely alone, maybe he'll have a family by then? who knows.

So when will I actually do it? I honestly don't know. I feel so stuck in this hell hole.
I wish I could just press a button that would erase my existence so I could just leave without having to think about any of this.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Same. My goal is to be gone by the end of summer.

 

[Darkover]

best to leave sooner than later i wish i'd left at 18, 18 years later i'm still here at (36) my time to go is fast approaching about to order my sn on the 14th of june hopefully it arrives without any difficulty, if i had a gun or means to kill my self at 18 i would left then, it's a fucking horrible place to be alive being animals is absolutely awful it's awful enslavement enslaved in awful shit, this world is fucking evil whatever little good its got going for it isn't worth all the awful shit it be better to never exist then be alive here

 

[burdenox]

best to leave sooner than later i wish i'd left at 18, 18 years later i'm still here at (36) my time to go is fast approaching about to order my sn on the 14th of june hopefully it arrives without any difficulty, if i had a gun or means to kill my self at 18 i would left then, it's a fucking horrible place to be alive being animals is absolutely awful it's awful enslavement enslaved in awful shit, this world is fucking evil whatever little good its got going for it isn't worth all the awful shit it be better to never exist then be alive here

Yep, there's a reason why the majority of gun deaths are suicide. Though id be afraid of failing. (not that a train is any better but living in student accomodation in the uk dosent really leave me with many options) My brother OD'd (unintentionally) on heroin which sounds like a great way to go because you essentially just sleep. No pain. Just gotta make sure you're not found before you die. Definitelyly something I'm considering If i ever get my hands on some.

Was it difficult to get SN for you? I've heard on some forums here it's hard to get

 

[Darkover]

Was it difficult to get SN for you? I've heard on some forums here it's hard to get

i am in the uk too i'll soon find out how difficult it is to get sn from i.c website i know many pepole here have got theirs from there so hopefully if all goes to plan i'll be gone within the next couple of months

 

[rationaltake]

It's awful that your life has been so bad that you want to ctb at 19. Though I do understand. Nobody should suffer like this.

A train could just make things so much worse for you. You have a good chance of surviving and being disabled. It's been well-documented on here.

I know what it's like when your whole life hurts.

 

[samishii]

i am in the uk too i'll soon find out how difficult it is to get sn from i.c website i know many pepole here have got theirs from there so hopefully if all goes to plan i'll be gone within the next couple of months

What is ic?

Been suicidal since I was 14. I'm 19 now. I've done everything. Therapy, medication, distractions, mindfulness, self-improvement, everything. None of that's really helped and tbh, I'm just about done.

As much as id love just to go now, (I live near a train station so it'll most likely be that.) I would hate myself for leaving the few people that love me behind especially since my brother died recently. It's really just that that's stopping me, but I also feel like I'm running out of time. I wanted to ctb before I turned 18. the thought of being an adult and having all these responsibilities, getting stuck in a shitty 9/5 job for the rest of my life and being a waste of resources and money, that terrified me. and I was right to be terrified. unfortunately, I listened to people when they told me things would get better and that uni would be fun. They were wrong, I'm failing in every aspect of life right now and it's FAR from fun. I really REALLY want to go. I'm tempted to make everyone hate me and be a total piece of shit and then do it so hopefully, people won't really care. But even if I, for example, wait till my grandparents die, which seems sooner rather than later, then id be leaving my little brother and my mother on their own. if I wait until after my mother dies that could take decades and I can't wait that long AND I'll leave my little brother completely alone, maybe he'll have a family by then? who knows.

So when will I actually do it? I honestly don't know. I feel so stuck in this hell hole.
I wish I could just press a button that would erase my existence so I could just leave without having to think about any of this.

Sorry about your brother. Even I wanted to die before I turned 18 (19rn). Now that I think about it, idk why I wanted to, but I still feel I should have died before 18.

 

[Darkover]

What is ic?

the website where most get there sn from i've sent you a pm

 

[lessonlearned]

yeah 100% i plan on not being here in a couple of months

 

[GetMeOut]

it's a fucking horrible place to be alive being animals is absolutely awful it's awful enslavement enslaved in awful shit, this world is fucking evil whatever little good its got going for it isn't worth all the awful shit it be better to never exist then be alive here

I could not agree more.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me personally, dying is the only thing that feels right. There could never be anything else here for me in this world. I never belonged in this life and it has always felt wrong me being alive. Existence is objectively so awful and I simply prefer the sound of eternal nothingness. In death, nothing can hurt me.

I wish that suicide is easier more than anything and I can relate to feeling trapped. In my case, it is because of limited access to methods. Life is also terrifying to me. The thought of suffering until old age is so horrifying. I just want the peace that death brings.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

I'd rather leave on a good note(self sufficient) than at my worst relying on my family to get by. Timing really is important. I used to cry thinking about those I'm leaving but then I got over it. It's different for each individual. Do what's best for yourself.

 

[September5th]

It's happening this year. Dude, I've been surviving since April. Yeah, it's no longer living, as I'm already dead inside. I've lost literally everything. It's amazing how fucked up I truly am. If I went back in time to the first day of the year and told myself what would eventually happen, he wouldn't believe it. It's THAT FUCKED UP. The feeling of regression, going back to a place you hate, loosing everything you fought for. It's demoralizing.
So, yeah, it's happening this year. I have nothing else and no will to get anything back.

I can relate to you SO MUCH. It never gets fun. Or, if it does, it's only for a time. Then it's back to mediocrity. I'm sorry about your brother. That must hurt so much... Life truly sucks.

 

[plsimnotokay]

Yes, I'm the same way. I'm waiting for the day when I feel absolutely ready. I know that it's the best decision for me but I still feel like something is holding me back. I know I'll feel ready soon and I'll be able to make the right decision for myself when the time comes. I hope you do too.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

First off, I'm sorry that you feel that way when you're so young. There are some similarities in our story. I also started thinking about suicide at 13/14 and first made a plan at 19. I'm almost 40, but I'm still here.

During that time I actually lived a fairly decent life. I was a college professor, got married, traveled the world, made a name for myself… but it was all just my attempt to try to bring purpose to life. I never really wanted to be here. Everything was just… filler. That doesn't mean I was sad all the time or it wasn't worth it. It's just that no matter what I did, nothing ever made me feel like existence was better than non-existence.

I've always known I'd take my own life. It's just become really apparent in the last few years that my expiration date is fast approaching. I'm hoping sometime in July or August, but definitely want it to be before I turn 40 later this year.

 

[london3]

Been suicidal since I was 14. I'm 19 now. I've done everything. Therapy, medication, distractions, mindfulness, self-improvement, everything. None of that's really helped and tbh, I'm just about done.

As much as id love just to go now, (I live near a train station so it'll most likely be that.) I would hate myself for leaving the few people that love me behind especially since my brother died recently. It's really just that that's stopping me, but I also feel like I'm running out of time. I wanted to ctb before I turned 18. the thought of being an adult and having all these responsibilities, getting stuck in a shitty 9/5 job for the rest of my life and being a waste of resources and money, that terrified me. and I was right to be terrified. unfortunately, I listened to people when they told me things would get better and that uni would be fun. They were wrong, I'm failing in every aspect of life right now and it's FAR from fun. I really REALLY want to go. I'm tempted to make everyone hate me and be a total piece of shit and then do it so hopefully, people won't really care. But even if I, for example, wait till my grandparents die, which seems sooner rather than later, then id be leaving my little brother and my mother on their own. if I wait until after my mother dies that could take decades and I can't wait that long AND I'll leave my little brother completely alone, maybe he'll have a family by then? who knows.

So when will I actually do it? I honestly don't know. I feel so stuck in this hell hole.
I wish I could just press a button that would erase my existence so I could just leave without having to think about any of this.

Really sorry to hear this at such a young age. Guilt is a terrible thing and regrets can haunt anyone especially when it comes to family. Survival instinct is a real issue when we just want peace and to be free of these bad feelings.