Addled and Rattled
Member
- Mar 15, 2023
- 7
I've tried to attempt to ctb on my birthday a multitude of times. It's the day my mother made me talk to police about my SA, it's a reminder of what led me to drop out of college. It's a reminder that every year I live and I accomplish nothing, and the light inside of me dims a little more. It's a reminder that I'm a massive failure, steps behind my peers, and I can't function properly enough to even try and catch up. I've tried talking to my friends, but they either don't get it, or are too scared to say anything. My family is unsupportive. I have my therapist I suppose aha.
This year I tried not to isolate myself like I usually do, I planned a little party with my friends and it was nice, but I don't actually feel better. If anything I just feel more isolated somehow, like they'll only accept me if I pretend to be okay. I don't know how much longer I can go on, really. I can't eat or sleep, I haven't gone to the gym for a long time. I draw, but it's so half hearted. It doesn't bring me joy like it used to. Everything feels like a chore, just so I can go and do more chores.
I made a bucket list. Once I complete it, I might ctb properly. We'll see. I still have three younger siblings, two with autism that I'm very worried about. I hope the future will be kind to them.
Thank you for reading (even if you just scrolled to the bottom to see what this crazy person is getting to)
This year I tried not to isolate myself like I usually do, I planned a little party with my friends and it was nice, but I don't actually feel better. If anything I just feel more isolated somehow, like they'll only accept me if I pretend to be okay. I don't know how much longer I can go on, really. I can't eat or sleep, I haven't gone to the gym for a long time. I draw, but it's so half hearted. It doesn't bring me joy like it used to. Everything feels like a chore, just so I can go and do more chores.
I made a bucket list. Once I complete it, I might ctb properly. We'll see. I still have three younger siblings, two with autism that I'm very worried about. I hope the future will be kind to them.
Thank you for reading (even if you just scrolled to the bottom to see what this crazy person is getting to)