Venting It's like the suffering doesn't matter bc of some "good"

[Livingvsdying25]

Today has sucked. Didn't sleep till 5am and barly. Fucking CPTSD hypervigilance. Body wasnt calm but mind was ok then the reverse ALL FUCKING NIGHT.. I breathed, I gamed, I took meds and supplements and nope. Couldn't go out AGAIN. Had therapy appt. Decided to try and get out and do some nice things for myself once anxiety calmed enough it just... just couldn't/can't. Then at this point/for a few days now doing relaxing self things has been impossible. Can't read, watcg videos etc. Too tired to explain why/ Im not even fully sure. Tryna manage all of this at dif angles but I'm not fucking living this isn't fucking living.

Just finished appt with doctor. God I swear at this point some of the shit she's doing can be considered medical negligence. Hadn't checked my hormones bc she's a fucking moron. When she asked she said PMDD isnt related to that when 1. It fully is/can be 2. I have other things like the possibility of endo or PCOS & the symptoms I've mentioned. Now she's doing it . The sleep specialist said to go to Neurologist and make sure nothing else is going on. Literally in their notes. Neurologist she referred me to denied it and said to go to sleep specialist. I thought she sent it somewhere else. She didn't and she's almost arguing about the worth of seeing a Neurologist.

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA THIS EVERE SINCE 11YRS OLD AND SLEEP ISSUES SINCE 8. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I literally asked her and the first thing she asked is if I'm getting movement in and shit. Yes I am when I can and when I was hella active last yr I still had sleep issues. Then she says well nothing since you're basically taking everything you can

The MAID she isn't willing to do referral bc she doesn't think that's the answer for me and that it's for people with terminal illnesses I've never used this term but how the fuck is my doc a pro-lifer?


How can she be aware of my diagnosis and kno there is more to come and think that at almost 25yrs old this is fucking ok?

No one fucking understands what a struggle it is to stay afloat and they brush me off when that hardship comes to a point. Im so fucking angry I'm almost less depressed than earlier /snapped outta flashback.

My worker did the same shit today.

God dammit I don't care how far I've made it or how much I've survived IM TIRED.. in more ways than just sleep.


I ordered food bc med I took forced hunger but it came not too long ago and even the smell makes me sick today.

Im so sick of living under this suffocating bullshit. Im sick of people not seeing my pain.

Fucking hell. Took my sceduled 3pm meds that includes benzo, buspar bc body, and gonna take more CBD soon.


Mid appt I started crying but just pushed it back bc my stupid doctor doesn't deserve my tears. Just hurts to try living so hard and... this is the result.

Just wanna CTB. About to have another adrenaline surge/dump so just gonna I don't fuckin kno. Calmed down a lil but still... i just wanna read and distract but nah. .
Currently looking at Shallow water blackout method. Earlier felt enough numb & apathy that trying to attempt would be easier than usual. I..ugh.

 

[ClownWorld2023]

I have chronic insomnia and my life has been hell too.

Most doctors aren't even remotely aware of how much suffering it causes.

The MAID she isn't willing to do referral bc she doesn't think that's the answer for me and that it's for people with terminal illnesses

My GP gave a similar response when I asked for euthanasia.

 

[sserafim]

Today has sucked. Didn't sleep till 5am and barly. Fucking CPTSD hypervigilance. Body wasnt calm but mind was ok then the reverse ALL FUCKING NIGHT.. I breathed, I gamed, I took meds and supplements and nope. Couldn't go out AGAIN. Had therapy appt. Decided to try and get out and do some nice things for myself once anxiety calmed enough it just... just couldn't/can't. Then at this point/for a few days now doing relaxing self things has been impossible. Can't read, watcg videos etc. Too tired to explain why/ Im not even fully sure. Tryna manage all of this at dif angles but I'm not fucking living this isn't fucking living.

Just finished appt with doctor. God I swear at this point some of the shit she's doing can be considered medical negligence. Hadn't checked my hormones bc she's a fucking moron. When she asked she said PMDD isnt related to that when 1. It fully is/can be 2. I have other things like the possibility of endo or PCOS & the symptoms I've mentioned. Now she's doing it . The sleep specialist said to go to Neurologist and make sure nothing else is going on. Literally in their notes. Neurologist she referred me to denied it and said to go to sleep specialist. I thought she sent it somewhere else. She didn't and she's almost arguing about the worth of seeing a Neurologist.

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA THIS EVERE SINCE 11YRS OLD AND SLEEP ISSUES SINCE 8. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I literally asked her and the first thing she asked is if I'm getting movement in and shit. Yes I am when I can and when I was hella active last yr I still had sleep issues. Then she says well nothing since you're basically taking everything you can

The MAID she isn't willing to do referral bc she doesn't think that's the answer for me and that it's for people with terminal illnesses I've never used this term but how the fuck is my doc a pro-lifer?


How can she be aware of my diagnosis and kno there is more to come and think that at almost 25yrs old this is fucking ok?

No one fucking understands what a struggle it is to stay afloat and they brush me off when that hardship comes to a point. Im so fucking angry I'm almost less depressed than earlier /snapped outta flashback.

My worker did the same shit today.

God dammit I don't care how far I've made it or how much I've survived IM TIRED.. in more ways than just sleep.


I ordered food bc med I took forced hunger but it came not too long ago and even the smell makes me sick today.

Im so sick of living under this suffocating bullshit. Im sick of people not seeing my pain.

Fucking hell. Took my sceduled 3pm meds that includes benzo, buspar bc body, and gonna take more CBD soon.


Mid appt I started crying but just pushed it back bc my stupid doctor doesn't deserve my tears. Just hurts to try living so hard and... this is the result.

Just wanna CTB. About to have another adrenaline surge/dump so just gonna I don't fuckin kno. Calmed down a lil but still... i just wanna read and distract but nah. .
Currently looking at Shallow water blackout method. Earlier felt enough numb & apathy that trying to attempt would be easier than usual. I..ugh.

Yeah, people only want to look at the good parts of existence and not the bad. They're just cherry picking. I also think this is a coping mechanism for them. They only look at the bright side of life because life is too depressing and meaningless. They don't want to deal with the negative side of life, the mundane, boring, exhausting part. They just totally discount the negatives in life and only focus on the positives. This is gaslighting us, it's like our suffering doesn't mean anything. They're totally discounting our suffering, they just don't care.

 

[Chili]

Today has sucked. Didn't sleep till 5am and barly. Fucking CPTSD hypervigilance. Body wasnt calm but mind was ok then the reverse ALL FUCKING NIGHT.. I breathed, I gamed, I took meds and supplements and nope. Couldn't go out AGAIN. Had therapy appt. Decided to try and get out and do some nice things for myself once anxiety calmed enough it just... just couldn't/can't. Then at this point/for a few days now doing relaxing self things has been impossible. Can't read, watcg videos etc. Too tired to explain why/ Im not even fully sure. Tryna manage all of this at dif angles but I'm not fucking living this isn't fucking living.

Just finished appt with doctor. God I swear at this point some of the shit she's doing can be considered medical negligence. Hadn't checked my hormones bc she's a fucking moron. When she asked she said PMDD isnt related to that when 1. It fully is/can be 2. I have other things like the possibility of endo or PCOS & the symptoms I've mentioned. Now she's doing it . The sleep specialist said to go to Neurologist and make sure nothing else is going on. Literally in their notes. Neurologist she referred me to denied it and said to go to sleep specialist. I thought she sent it somewhere else. She didn't and she's almost arguing about the worth of seeing a Neurologist.

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA THIS EVERE SINCE 11YRS OLD AND SLEEP ISSUES SINCE 8. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I literally asked her and the first thing she asked is if I'm getting movement in and shit. Yes I am when I can and when I was hella active last yr I still had sleep issues. Then she says well nothing since you're basically taking everything you can

The MAID she isn't willing to do referral bc she doesn't think that's the answer for me and that it's for people with terminal illnesses I've never used this term but how the fuck is my doc a pro-lifer?


How can she be aware of my diagnosis and kno there is more to come and think that at almost 25yrs old this is fucking ok?

No one fucking understands what a struggle it is to stay afloat and they brush me off when that hardship comes to a point. Im so fucking angry I'm almost less depressed than earlier /snapped outta flashback.

My worker did the same shit today.

God dammit I don't care how far I've made it or how much I've survived IM TIRED.. in more ways than just sleep.


I ordered food bc med I took forced hunger but it came not too long ago and even the smell makes me sick today.

Im so sick of living under this suffocating bullshit. Im sick of people not seeing my pain.

Fucking hell. Took my sceduled 3pm meds that includes benzo, buspar bc body, and gonna take more CBD soon.


Mid appt I started crying but just pushed it back bc my stupid doctor doesn't deserve my tears. Just hurts to try living so hard and... this is the result.

Just wanna CTB. About to have another adrenaline surge/dump so just gonna I don't fuckin kno. Calmed down a lil but still... i just wanna read and distract but nah. .
Currently looking at Shallow water blackout method. Earlier felt enough numb & apathy that trying to attempt would be easier than usual. I..ugh.

"haha did you take a walk?" Dude that sounds like Hell. I could not even imagine what it's like having sleep issues.

 

[letmewalrus]

Your suffering matters a lot. They don't understand you because they're not in your position. Your day sounds super rough. I can't imagine not being able to sleep for most of my life.

About your doc appointments, absolutely NOBODY deserves to be treated like that especially because it's their damn job to treat patients with care. If you have enough energy to do so, you should file a complaint.

Do you have anyone you know that you can vent about this to?

I truly hope your life will become better, but if it doesn't then feel free to vent more.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Today has sucked. Didn't sleep till 5am and barly. Fucking CPTSD hypervigilance. Body wasnt calm but mind was ok then the reverse ALL FUCKING NIGHT.. I breathed, I gamed, I took meds and supplements and nope. Couldn't go out AGAIN. Had therapy appt. Decided to try and get out and do some nice things for myself once anxiety calmed enough it just... just couldn't/can't. Then at this point/for a few days now doing relaxing self things has been impossible. Can't read, watcg videos etc. Too tired to explain why/ Im not even fully sure. Tryna manage all of this at dif angles but I'm not fucking living this isn't fucking living.

Just finished appt with doctor. God I swear at this point some of the shit she's doing can be considered medical negligence. Hadn't checked my hormones bc she's a fucking moron. When she asked she said PMDD isnt related to that when 1. It fully is/can be 2. I have other things like the possibility of endo or PCOS & the symptoms I've mentioned. Now she's doing it . The sleep specialist said to go to Neurologist and make sure nothing else is going on. Literally in their notes. Neurologist she referred me to denied it and said to go to sleep specialist. I thought she sent it somewhere else. She didn't and she's almost arguing about the worth of seeing a Neurologist.

I'VE HAD INSOMNIA THIS EVERE SINCE 11YRS OLD AND SLEEP ISSUES SINCE 8. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I literally asked her and the first thing she asked is if I'm getting movement in and shit. Yes I am when I can and when I was hella active last yr I still had sleep issues. Then she says well nothing since you're basically taking everything you can

The MAID she isn't willing to do referral bc she doesn't think that's the answer for me and that it's for people with terminal illnesses I've never used this term but how the fuck is my doc a pro-lifer?


How can she be aware of my diagnosis and kno there is more to come and think that at almost 25yrs old this is fucking ok?

No one fucking understands what a struggle it is to stay afloat and they brush me off when that hardship comes to a point. Im so fucking angry I'm almost less depressed than earlier /snapped outta flashback.

My worker did the same shit today.

God dammit I don't care how far I've made it or how much I've survived IM TIRED.. in more ways than just sleep.


I ordered food bc med I took forced hunger but it came not too long ago and even the smell makes me sick today.

Im so sick of living under this suffocating bullshit. Im sick of people not seeing my pain.

Fucking hell. Took my sceduled 3pm meds that includes benzo, buspar bc body, and gonna take more CBD soon.


Mid appt I started crying but just pushed it back bc my stupid doctor doesn't deserve my tears. Just hurts to try living so hard and... this is the result.

Just wanna CTB. About to have another adrenaline surge/dump so just gonna I don't fuckin kno. Calmed down a lil but still... i just wanna read and distract but nah. .
Currently looking at Shallow water blackout method. Earlier felt enough numb & apathy that trying to attempt would be easier than usual. I..ugh.

I know what most of that is like... I know what it is like to have sleep issues. To be constantly anxious.... I also know what it is like to have incompetent medical personnel around you.... I also really really know what it is like to be abandoned by society left to rot and die...I also know how exhausting life can be just to survive from minute to minute, hour by hour.... I hope you find peace.

 

[Strawberries]

Just one tip for the insomnia: Ask your doctor (or another doctor who you tell your history with insomnia) for the medication Levomepromazine additional to the benzos. I don't know which country you're from and what brand name it has or even if it's available in your country but you could research that. And I don't know if your doctor would be willing to prescribe such high doses, my doctor is very laid back with prescribing medications, most doctors unfortunately just prescribe 25mg of it or something, but if you have that severe insomnia maybe they would be willing to prescribe at least 100mg (it's very strong and everyone is different so I would definitely try it if you can, maybe you could even sleep with 25mg, it's one of the strongest sleeping medications there is (if you take 300mg or more you have to be in hospital so they can help you to the bathroom at night if you need to go (probably with a bedpan as it's so strong, at that dose you wouldn't be able to get out of bed, but you would take it at home in lower doses so don't worry about bedpans) and monitor your bloodpressure as it lowers your bloodpressure a lot, so if you take it, stand up very slowly after you wake up or you will probably faint.

I've had very severe insomnia for many, many years and NO medication helped and I've tried them all. Everyday I would fall asleep at like 7 to 9am for a few hours and some nights get no sleep at all. This is the only medication that helped me sleep back then. At a high enough dose, this medication puts everyone to sleep, no matter how severe your insomnia is. And it doesn't just put you to sleep, it keeps you asleep all night. It's what they give in intravenous, intramuscular or subcutaneous form as an injection in the hospital to for example schizophrenic patients who are getting super aggressive and put them to sleep with this. In high doses (I took 250mg, which I know is a LOT) it works on everyone, no matter how severe the insomnia, you just can't stay awake no matter how agitated you are, it's absolutely impossible, it forces you to sleep.

Just a tip, as that was the only medication back then that helped me with my insomnia and at that point I had tried pretty much every medication for insomnia, this is a last resort medication for insomnia. So maybe that could provide some relief if you're able to get enough sleep again, as severe insomnia where nothing works is horrible as I know from first hand experience.

I feel for you and wish you all the best