Venting It's like I'm just too incompetent to live.

[Mooseanonsky]

I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm so stupid that I can't do anything right. It's like I can't comprehend simple shit and when I don't I start feeling worthless and useless. I can't even learn how to drive properly because every time I try I get horrible anxiety and it makes me unable to focus. And not being able to drive is the main reason why I have no freedom. I can't go anywhere I want or do anything. I always have to rely on other people or the shitty public transportation in my city. It makes me feel trapped in my apartment. I have no one to teach me so I had to pay a lot of money for driving school, which was a waste because I didn't get any better at it. And even if I were to miraculously learn how to drive I can't afford a car so I'm screwed either way.

I tried going to community college to better myself but I'm so stupid I couldn't even understand what I was learning and I looked up answers online 99% of the time. Sure I could have changed to a different major but I'm too stupid to do anything else. I don't even know what to do with my life because I've always felt too dumb to actually pursue anything. Many careers require you to socialize as well and I'm terrible at that. Even ones that don't like IT doesn't work for me because I could barely understand the material.

I tried going to therapy and taking medicine but those didn't help. God going to therapy sucked because I always had trouble even getting there. It just made me feel worse and everything I learned from it only helped temporarily. Taking medicine was horrible and it's one of the reasons my 6 year relationship ended so now I really don't wanna go back to that. It's like nothing I do works. Nothing makes me want to live. I'm stuck at a job I can't even do properly because I'm so fucking stupid.

It's a shame, really. I can't do jobs like being a cashier or a waitress, so I thought maybe I could do housekeeping. That's simple, right? You're just cleaning. But no. I'm terrible at that too. And if I can't even do that then there's truly no hope for me. Disability barely helps so I have no choice but to work. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I'm fired. I'm probably gonna ctb sooner rather than next year like I planned to. My entire life has been shitty anyway and there's no hope that I'll ever get better, which is most likely why my boyfriend left me.

The only thing I'm worried about is my family and how heartbroken they'll be if I die. And my ex discovering my body first, since we still live together. I mean, maybe he won't care too much, but then again I think it's pretty traumatizing for anyone to come across a dead body. Last thing I want is for him to blame himself for my death. I don't want anyone to blame themselves. I just want to go in peace, you know? The thought that maybe there's nothing waiting for me in the end sounds nice. Like an eternal sleep. I don't ever have to worry about money, my mental illnesses, my stupidity, my loneliness. Nothing.

I really do wish my mom never had me. It's like I was doomed from the start. I wanna be happy, but, for some reason I can't. I want a better life, but I feel like my broken mind keeps me from achieving that. Instead I'm ugly, mentally ill, and absolutely useless. I contribute nothing to society. As much as I miss being with my ex, I'm starting to understand why he left. I feel bad for wasting his time. I feel bad for my family because they have to deal with the possibility of losing me someday. I don't want to make it to 30, I really, really don't.

Sorry for the paragraphs of text. I just wanted to let this out. I have no one to talk to.

 

[Mooseanonsky]

Well here's an update. I've been working for a few weeks and as it turns out, I was right. I can't fucking do anything right. I still fucking suck at my job, so I just know they're gonna fire my stupid ass soon. Today was especially shitty because it was pointed out how horrible I'm doing. Funny considering I've been in training for weeks and I still can't even do the fucking job properly.

So being the impulsive idiot that I am, I ubered to target to pick up some antacids for my SN method and some razors since I have this overwhelming urge to hurt myself until I can't feel anything anymore. The metoclopramide I'm still having trouble getting, but hopefully I'll get it soon because I'm probably not sticking around until next year. Might as well die this year. Nothing else to live for. I'm 100% a failure and I know that there's nothing I can do about it.

I know my family, especially my mom, is gonna be upset about it, but god fucking dammit I did not ask to be born. Sorry mom. I know you only had me just so you'll have someone who'd love you but I'm just about fucking tired of trying to survive life when all the odds are against me.

I wish I were normal and didn't have these shitty fucking mental illnesses. I wish for a lot of things that I can't have. The only thing it seems that I can control is dying. But then again if I mess that up, it's all over. My roommate/ex is probably gonna lose his shit and try to move out, leaving me alone in an apartment I can't afford. Which means I'll be homeless probably. Idk. I'm really hoping this works. It's all I have to hope for.