Rairii
Is it necessary?
- Nov 27, 2022
- 133
I knew it was getting closer but I thought I could at least make it till the end of next week but I don't know if I can. Guess it wouldn't really matter if I waited till the end of next week in the grand scheme of things, just wanted to see if my urologist had any new treatments to suggest and if my therapist was going to have me go to someone else. Which again, if I'm gonna die what would it even matter, I'm not sure, it's just what I kept telling myself to do. I guess in case I failed, so I wouldn't have to miss out on an appointment that would take months to reschedule.
I've wrote a lot of notes because I'm the worst at keeping things short and simple but I don't even have the energy to print those out, its like I have this deep sense of urgency to just do it now. Nothing new happened nor did anything triggering happen to cause this sense of urgency, I think I'm just at my last straw. Especially since it's been so hard just keeping myself from doing it. I've gone back to restricting my food intake again to try and cope, that helped in the past but nah anorexia isn't cutting it anymore.
I'm so sick of this all, not feeling alive or like I'm human. I'm sick of nothing getting better and my psychiatrist even told me she wasn't sure what she could do for me anymore since I've been basically through all the psych meds that would be relevant for me. We were going to try and get me in to doing Ketamine treatments but the place that it's through has never gotten back to me with whether or not my insurance approved it. I was told it was just a short term thing anyway, so it's not like it'd fix my mood for life even if I did get approved to do it.
I apologize for this stupid post, not sure if its even a goodbye. I just really need this out and obviously it's not safe to talk about it anywhere else. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to try and print these letters out and get my method all put together and go from there I guess, sometimes the act of just doing that holds it off for a bit longer.
I've wrote a lot of notes because I'm the worst at keeping things short and simple but I don't even have the energy to print those out, its like I have this deep sense of urgency to just do it now. Nothing new happened nor did anything triggering happen to cause this sense of urgency, I think I'm just at my last straw. Especially since it's been so hard just keeping myself from doing it. I've gone back to restricting my food intake again to try and cope, that helped in the past but nah anorexia isn't cutting it anymore.
I'm so sick of this all, not feeling alive or like I'm human. I'm sick of nothing getting better and my psychiatrist even told me she wasn't sure what she could do for me anymore since I've been basically through all the psych meds that would be relevant for me. We were going to try and get me in to doing Ketamine treatments but the place that it's through has never gotten back to me with whether or not my insurance approved it. I was told it was just a short term thing anyway, so it's not like it'd fix my mood for life even if I did get approved to do it.
I apologize for this stupid post, not sure if its even a goodbye. I just really need this out and obviously it's not safe to talk about it anywhere else. I don't know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to try and print these letters out and get my method all put together and go from there I guess, sometimes the act of just doing that holds it off for a bit longer.