Venting It’s funny - I’ve written so many notes over the years, and now I’m not planning on leaving one at all.

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

There was one person I wanted to leave with a goodbye to. One person in the whole world who I thought cared for me enough that I just wanted to make sure she knew it wasn't her fault. Things happened, and she moved cities. I always wondered how long she would mourn me after I CTB, and I'm not even dead yet and it turns out the answer is about four months.

I mean whatever I guess. I'm not sure I can blame her. It's not like I'd want to be friends with me either. But I just realized my google drive folder with half a decade of drafts and rewrites of my note now has no one to go to. I've spent so much time trying to find the perfect order of words to explain it all to someone I'd be leaving behind, and I'm not even sure who that person would be now.

I've considered leaving one for my parents or something, but I don't think I could write one that wasn't just a long "fuck you". Couple of people I haven't talked to in a few years I guess. Probably be confused why someone they barely remember made them the sole recipient of their suicide note. I might just go to the woods where I go for walks a lot. Leave it in a ziploc bag under a rock or something. Maybe someone will find it. Maybe it'll just sink into the dirt and turn to earth. I don't know why I'd do that. I don't know why it's important to me that some part of who I was at the end is out there.

Anyone here in a similar position? Is there even a point of leaving a note when you don't know someone who care enough to wonder why?

 

[ClownMe]

I'm beginning to lean towards not writing a letter, I just don't think it's much use.

 

[hopelessdreams]

I think I will write a letter to my mom and dad. my dad just a big 'fuck you' note, and my mom a letter telling her she did nothing wrong and its not her fault for my decision. my dad and his family are really manipulative, so I don't want to leave without saying anything, and then for them to blame my death on someone except themselves. I want them to know they pushed me to this.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

I'm beginning to lean towards not writing a letter, I just don't think it's much use.

I remember reading this story about a Harvard graduate who killed himself. He left behind a 2,000 page suicide note listing every argument as to why life wasn't worth living, full of citations from Philosophers and Biologists and Psychologists.

When the interviewer asked his sister about it, she said something like "I wish I could've shown him the mountains near my house so he could've seen the beauty in life", which I just find hilarious. This man probably spent years chronicling the closest thing you can get to objective proof that life isn't worth living, and she thinks that all he needed was a short hike and he would've been completely convinced that life was a worthwhile endeavor.

At the end of the day, whatever reasons you have for doing it will just be seen as more proof you were "sick" by people who are completely unable to question their understanding life and existence, no matter how logical your reasons are. For a while, there were people I wanted to apologize to, even if they were never going to get it, just because I felt bad thinking about how was I going to hurt them. Now I the only people I can think of that'd be hurt are my parents, and honestly, I couldn't give less of a shit.

 

[its-about-time]

The one person I want to leave a detailed goodbye to told me that she doesn't want a note from me if I were to ctb. She said it's selfish and makes survivors feel even worse, no matter the contents. That really sucked to hear, because I always thought of it as a beautiful thing to leave someone I loved with a physical, hand-written letter telling them how much I loved and appreciated them in life.

At this point, I think I'm just going to let my journal do the talking. I write enough of my thoughts in there, and have detailed my ongoing process to assemble a ctb kit for when I'm ready. I've talked about the important people in my life and what they mean to me. Writing a note would just be redundant and it's high-pressure to say the right things in a brief note, at least it is for me.

 

[rationaltake]

There was one person I wanted to leave with a goodbye to. One person in the whole world who I thought cared for me enough that I just wanted to make sure she knew it wasn't her fault. Things happened, and she moved cities. I always wondered how long she would mourn me after I CTB, and I'm not even dead yet and it turns out the answer is about four months.

I mean whatever I guess. I'm not sure I can blame her. It's not like I'd want to be friends with me either. But I just realized my google drive folder with half a decade of drafts and rewrites of my note now has no one to go to. I've spent so much time trying to find the perfect order of words to explain it all to someone I'd be leaving behind, and I'm not even sure who that person would be now.

I've considered leaving one for my parents or something, but I don't think I could write one that wasn't just a long "fuck you". Couple of people I haven't talked to in a few years I guess. Probably be confused why someone they barely remember made them the sole recipient of their suicide note. I might just go to the woods where I go for walks a lot. Leave it in a ziploc bag under a rock or something. Maybe someone will find it. Maybe it'll just sink into the dirt and turn to earth. I don't know why I'd do that. I don't know why it's important to me that some part of who I was at the end is out there.

Anyone here in a similar position? Is there even a point of leaving a note when you don't know someone who care enough to wonder why?

You could post it on here if you wanted.

 

[WorthlessMoron]

I wanted to leave a letter to my family so I could say how much I despised them and also say things I couldn't say while I'm alive, but honestly, it's just so tiring. I kept on rewriting the letter, and I've just given up. Not like it would matter to me once I'm dead anyways, so honestly, I probably wouldn't worry about it too much, unless there's still someone you personally care about, or you have some things you really want to say.

 

[boldarnold]

Same here , no matter how you think you mean to someone, you don't, so it doesn't matter if you left a note or not , soon you'll be forgotten, life is fundamentally built wrong

 

[𝔧𝔞𝔫𝔢 ⛧]

i find i have so much to say that id rather say nothing at all

 

[Nightmare Painting]

Pretty much all of my notes were based on resentment so I don't believe I'll be leaving one behind. I only think there's a point in writing one if you have someone important that you're leaving behind.

 

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

The one person I want to leave a detailed goodbye to told me that she doesn't want a note from me if I were to ctb. She said it's selfish and makes survivors feel even worse, no matter the contents. That really sucked to hear, because I always thought of it as a beautiful thing to leave someone I loved with a physical, hand-written letter telling them how much I loved and appreciated them in life.

At this point, I think I'm just going to let my journal do the talking. I write enough of my thoughts in there, and have detailed my ongoing process to assemble a ctb kit for when I'm ready. I've talked about the important people in my life and what they mean to me. Writing a note would just be redundant and it's high-pressure to say the right things in a brief note, at least it is for me.

I'm sorry, that sucks. Do you think it's possible she was lying to make you feel worse about CTB? I think if writing a note to her gives you more peace in your final moments, then I would go for it.

I thought about leaving behind my journals too. Just giving everyone evidence of how miserable I was my whole life so people didn't think this was just some impulsive choice after a bad day or something, but there's honestly way too much personal stuff in there that I think I'll just burn it when I reset my phone and computer. I don't think I need my mom knowing which of my sister's friends I thought was hot when I was 15 lol.

i find i have so much to say that id rather say nothing at all

Yeah, I struggled with this for a while too. It's like if I left a note, people would think that's 100% of what I wanted to say, when I could've gone on for pages and pages. At the end of the day I just settled on that if leaving a note would make somebody's grief process just a little bit easier, then it was a worthwhile endeavor, even if it gave an incomplete picture of who I was. I guess that's not a problem I have to worry about now.

 

[its-about-time]

I'm sorry, that sucks. Do you think it's possible she was lying to make you feel worse about CTB? I think if writing a note to her gives you more peace in your final moments, then I would go for it.

Huh, I hadn't really thought of that. I know she has gone to great lengths to convince me not to ctb through guilt. It's an effective tool really. Saying things like that if I left she'd have to leave too, which hits me so hard, even though I know she'd never actually do that herself. She loves her kid too much. She's had many people in her life ctb and is still here, I don't think I'd change things much.

You could be right, but I think I agree regardless that if it helps me feel peaceful when I go then maybe I should just do it. She can always decide what to do with it. Read it, not read it, keep it, burn it, whatever.

 

[Cathy Ames]

The one person I want to leave a detailed goodbye to told me that she doesn't want a note from me if I were to ctb. She said it's selfish and makes survivors feel even worse, no matter the contents. That really sucked to hear, because I always thought of it as a beautiful thing to leave someone I loved with a physical, hand-written letter telling them how much I loved and appreciated them in life.

You know what? In this case I think you should just go ahead and BE "selfish." Writing out beautiful thoughts like that is a thing that will give you closure, and you deserve closure. You can also thank her for loving you, tell her you've forgiven her for anything she ever did to hurt you, and ask her to forgive you. Closure. Whatever she is saying now? She has no way of knowing how she'll feel later on.

 

[its-about-time]

You know what? In this case I think you should just go ahead and BE "selfish." Writing out beautiful thoughts like that is a thing that will give you closure, and you deserve closure. You can also thank her for loving you, tell her you've forgiven her for anything she ever did to hurt you, and ask her to forgive you. Closure. Whatever she is saying now? She has no way of knowing how she'll feel later on.

Thank you that makes me feel better. I wrote a first draft of her note the other day and your comment makes me feel way better about it. I get to be selfish on this one. Thanks for saying that.