It’s clear now, it can’t go on like this...

[Alec]

So here's the thing: I've always hated endings. I don't even know where it's coming from, from some kind of trauma or anything like that from my past, or maybe it's just me, the way I am. But I hate endings. I can't stand them. And honestly, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I don't know why I started talking about endings, because I could say what I wanted to say, without this. But I just think it's important. And you know, that feeling like the world is going to end, or maybe it's already ended or something, but it feels like I'm all alone, and everything and everybody else has gone away. And it kills me, it's so strong, it kills me. That's why I hate endings. I never know how to keep going after an ending. I'm 23, and I think again and again: life is too long. I feel like I've already lived life times, like it was my turn to die a few times, already. But it just keeps going, and I don't know how to keep going.

Here's what's happening. I've faced my emotions these last few days. And it hasn't been easy. God, it hurts.
But today is just the day I have to admit a few things that I've been thinking and playing with in my head for awhile now.
Today I cried. I haven't cried in a long while. And I felt it, felt it all. It was so much, too much. And a thing happened that happened before.
Do you ever feel so much it influences your physical body? I mean obviously it always does, but I don't mean actions, I mean your emotions influencing certain physical reactions in your body. So..that's what happened to me today, like so many times before.
I get migraines, a lot and they are very strong. Most of the time I can't eat and keep vomiting, and am sensitive to everything, and it just hurts so bad and there is no escape, because no pill helps me. And it's caused by my feelings. Every time I let myself feel what I truly feel, it's so much my head starts to hurt and feel like it's about to explode. I can't even describe you how big this pain is. I've talked to a doctor about my migraines, he just told me I'm too tense, and there is no pill that can help with that, and I should try to relax. And I mean, he's right, I am too tense. And it's been getting worse and worse and the migraines have been getting worse.

Today I let myself feel like I haven't felt in a very long while. I started crying. And my god. I got an incredibly painful migraine, I was getting sick, I couldn't look at anything because it made me dizzy. Then my whole body started shaking as I was crying. It felt so weak. My legs turned to jelly and I wasn't even sure I could stand on them, let alone walk. Then migraine got worse. I think I got really close to loosing conciseness a few times today from it all, my feelings and physical pain, just while lying in bed. There were these moments where I heard load buzzing in my ears and then suddenly complete quiet, and felt like my head was a balloon about to pop under pressure from the back of my neck, and then everything in my eyes started get covered in white dots and I was loosing my sight, and thought I'm about to loose it. And I had to pull myself back, every time. I did. I'm not even sure why, if I'm honest. It's having a bigger toll on my body now and it's getting worse really fast. There are almost no days when I don't have a migraine at all.

So here's what I've come to realize. I can't go on like this. It will destroy me. It will destroy my body. I've got to do something.

I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen there, but I'll go, and I will see. Honestly, I don't know what I'm hoping for. If she gives me meds, I don't know if I want to take them. Because if I don't have my feelings, then there is nowhere to go, to keep going to, in my life. Because without my feelings, I don't want this life. But maybe she will give me meds that will only alleviate my anxiety. I don't know. But I will see tomorrow.

And I guess I will decide more tomorrow, after the appointment. As I will know more tomorrow.

It wasn't supposed to be this long. I'm sorry it's so long. Thank you to everyone who've read it till the end. The most important part is at the end. But it's all important.

Love,
—Alec.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think you need to see a different doctor. There is clearly a link between processing emotions and getting migraines. Personally, I would recommend a trauma-focused therapist who uses EMDR, somatic techniques, energy psychology techniques (EFT and TAT), etc., but also in my experience, stay away from NLP. Hope this helps, feel free to ignore what doesn't.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

Thinking is the enemy of man.
I think someone said.
Good luck pal, I empathize, in very similar.

 

[The Dark Chaos]

I'm so sorryy you've got to suffer through this. Sending you a bear hug. I won't say I relate to you but while reading it I could actually feel the frustration, the pain. Its too muchh and I can only imagine what you are feeling and are going through. I dunno muchh about endings but I think the saddest part is that people nowadays aren't waiting for the "happy ending", they are just waiting for the end. I always get the feeling that this isn't the place where I belong or this isn't meant for me and there's no helping for that. It just comes from something deep within me. There was a time when I used to stand in front of the mirror, I could actually see pain in my bloodshot eyes, I so badly wanted to cry at those moments but the tears didn't dare come. I actually wished and begged for tears to start falling off from my eyes so that I could actually take pain off from my insides. Then, there was a time when I used to cry so muchh that it would physically start hurting me in the chest. I dunnoo whyy I'm babbling about this, I just felt like sharing this with you and I'm not comparing my grief to yours. I think we are all united by grief yet somehow divided by the same thing. I haven't given a shot at meds or therapists as yet infact I haven't even opened uo about my depression to anyone, but I hope everything would go well with you tomorrow. Just breathe in, breathe out and decide. Tomorrow. Wishh you luck and lots of love and comfort. Oh how I wish I knew how to comfort people! I'll be there if you'd wannaa share anyything :)

 

[AcornUnderground]

So here's the thing: I've always hated endings. I don't even know where it's coming from, from some kind of trauma or anything like that from my past, or maybe it's just me, the way I am. But I hate endings. I can't stand them. And honestly, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I don't know why I started talking about endings, because I could say what I wanted to say, without this. But I just think it's important. And you know, that feeling like the world is going to end, or maybe it's already ended or something, but it feels like I'm all alone, and everything and everybody else has gone away. And it kills me, it's so strong, it kills me. That's why I hate endings. I never know how to keep going after an ending. I'm 23, and I think again and again: life is too long. I feel like I've already lived life times, like it was my turn to die a few times, already. But it just keeps going, and I don't know how to keep going.

Here's what's happening. I've faced my emotions these last few days. And it hasn't been easy. God, it hurts.
But today is just the day I have to admit a few things that I've been thinking and playing with in my head for awhile now.
Today I cried. I haven't cried in a long while. And I felt it, felt it all. It was so much, too much. And a thing happened that happened before.
Do you ever feel so much it influences your physical body? I mean obviously it always does, but I don't mean actions, I mean your emotions influencing certain physical reactions in your body. So..that's what happened to me today, like so many times before.
I get migraines, a lot and they are very strong. Most of the time I can't eat and keep vomiting, and am sensitive to everything, and it just hurts so bad and there is no escape, because no pill helps me. And it's caused by my feelings. Every time I let myself feel what I truly feel, it's so much my head starts to hurt and feel like it's about to explode. I can't even describe you how big this pain is. I've talked to a doctor about my migraines, he just told me I'm too tense, and there is no pill that can help with that, and I should try to relax. And I mean, he's right, I am too tense. And it's been getting worse and worse and the migraines have been getting worse.

Today I let myself feel like I haven't felt in a very long while. I started crying. And my god. I got an incredibly painful migraine, I was getting sick, I couldn't look at anything because it made me dizzy. Then my whole body started shaking as I was crying. It felt so weak. My legs turned to jelly and I wasn't even sure I could stand on them, let alone walk. Then migraine got worse. I think I got really close to loosing conciseness a few times today from it all, my feelings and physical pain, just while lying in bed. There were these moments where I heard load buzzing in my ears and then suddenly complete quiet, and felt like my head was a balloon about to pop under pressure from the back of my neck, and then everything in my eyes started get covered in white dots and I was loosing my sight, and thought I'm about to loose it. And I had to pull myself back, every time. I did. I'm not even sure why, if I'm honest. It's having a bigger toll on my body now and it's getting worse really fast. There are almost no days when I don't have a migraine at all.

So here's what I've come to realize. I can't go on like this. It will destroy me. It will destroy my body. I've got to do something.

I have a meeting with a psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen there, but I'll go, and I will see. Honestly, I don't know what I'm hoping for. If she gives me meds, I don't know if I want to take them. Because if I don't have my feelings, then there is nowhere to go, to keep going to, in my life. Because without my feelings, I don't want this life. But maybe she will give me meds that will only alleviate my anxiety. I don't know. But I will see tomorrow.

And I guess I will decide more tomorrow, after the appointment. As I will know more tomorrow.

It wasn't supposed to be this long. I'm sorry it's so long. Thank you to everyone who've read it till the end. The most important part is at the end. But it's all important.

Love,
—Alec.

Have you tried the injection medication they have for migraines? Have you seen a neurologist? You need to if not. I'm so sorry.