serah
Student
- May 6, 2020
- 177
im tired. i think every couple of months i end up coming here im always tired, of the fact i have to search up this site, log in, and have to use this forum as my only way to let my thoughts out. somethings are better, i finally got a job, but i'm in debt. not for any genuine reason, just simply because I can't fucking manage my finances. i'm an impulsive buyer, i buy things that make me happy for around 5 minutes and that i'll never touch again. i'm not actually ever really happy for long, i feel fucking empty constantly. sometimes what i buy is food, i waste a stupid amount of money to eat food that'll satisfy me for an hour and then i'd have simply wasted my money an added into the long list of crap i have to pay back. im caught in this web of lies telling everyone i have x amount of money saved when in reality i'm screwed. if i had more self control i could fix it, but i have none. have lost a couple of friends, some close ones remain. we all kind of go our separate ways, i dont blame it. i feel lonelier than ever, im tired of having to talk to the same three people about the same fucking problems ive always faced. i hate myself and i dont feel like living. im behind on college coursework, like, i have 8 meetings to catch up on all around ~2hrs and i havent been able to do anything, im just lazy. it feels useless. nothing feels worthwhile enough to put any effort in. not even changing myself, whats the point in it anyways. im so fucking pathetic. im lonely, ugly, disgusting, and i should probably kill myself soon. im so lonely. i dont know how to find motivation to want to live, it feels silly. i feel stupid for my major, and now im so behind its probably not even worth it trying to do much about it. its not for me. i spend my day sleeping and rotting away, i really dont deserve to live. it feels like everyone has people to live for, whether its friends who genuinely care, family, or partners. i dont have shit, nothing enough to keep me from slicing my wrists like i should have so many years ago. i havent taken my meds in months, is this why it's gotten bad again? it's not like they helped much. i have an appointment with my psychiatrist soon, should i be open? tell them that i havent been taking anything and that i feel like i need more help, im just so afraid of my family members finding out of anything. idk. im at the point in my life where if i dont make a change ill probably live like this forever, but im too much of a lazy coward to do anything.
