Tonight I was walking down the street and a man ran out of a store front and almost into the back of me. I said "excuse you," he looked back with mocking indignation and a bluff of the threat of violence, I stood my ground for the moment, he walked away and I lost it at him, saying horrible violent bigoted things, with him mocking me and me ramping it up. Eventually he gave up his side but now I'm left exhausted and shaky and hating myself again for joining forces with him in making I know how little of a person I am. I can't stop myself once I start and I'm stuck in this reality where I know that because I'm female the only reason I'm at all okay is because no man has decided to change that. I've been on t he wrong side of that too many times and so I'm stuck in the mode of it being a waiting game, waiting for the next insult, the next assault, the next incident where my choices are to lie down and take whatever some random man decides to dish out at some random time in some random place and knowing that neither the law nor anyone else will ever back me up. Even a rape in broad daylight would bring ruin and scrutiny to the victim while society and the "law" will always vigorously protect a male perpetrator. I wanted to be wrong but I'm not. I know it and everybody else knows it and again and again I'm reminded while everybody around me watches and wonders what the hell is wrong with me and why I can't stop making trouble by reacting. It's too much. This is always why I want to kill myself. Every time it's why I want out. I have never in my life, not ever, not from day one lives in a world where I was safe from men. They love to point out how much worse it is in other countries and tell me how grateful I should be for how good I have it. If that's the baseline then hell yes I have it great, but it's not the on lot reality and I still live in mine and I can't stop my mind and body from being always on guard. I'm running in the red all the time and I'm these moments I can physically feel on and in my body prior assaults echoing in perpetuity and I want out. I'm being sexually assaulted so much of the time by people I haven't seen in twenty years and so many people since then. I don't feel like it's my fault or anything like that but I do feel powerless and I do feel like the world is hostile and do feel like if I take myself out of here then my final note will be a way for me to finally feel that my life and my body are mine in a way that will be permanent to me, because what is permanence to a person but the duration of their own existence?
I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy and I want to be at peace and I want to feel safe but I don't see how I will ever find that. It could be said that I'm comparing myself to others but that only applies to whether I'm judging myself for being this way, not the fact that whether I accept myself or not I still have to endure this. I don't have the option to feel okay but I do have the option to stop.
I wish I could curl up into a giant lap I feel like the world is safe and know that I will be OK but I know this isn't true and I don't know how to make even the feeling of family incorporate into my life anymore even if it's an illusion.This is what I'm looking to escape. And of course it's Sunday so I cannot get the supplies that I need to go by any method of my own choosing. I don't want to use a belt. I don't want to be found in that condition. I have a camp stove and I could probably make a small enough tent to create enough carbon monoxide to get the job done but from what I've read it's really hard to succeed that one. I've read that for the most part too much actual oxygen is able to get into almost every set up to allow the concentrations to rise enough to get the job done. I feel absolutely trapped. And the last few days were so good. And I feel like I'm just having some bullshit pity party but maybe that's just what people say when they don't want to hear it. This is the only place I'm going to talk about it so I guess I won't put that on anybody who actually has to be around me.
I know that my behavior tonight was an overreaction to somebody who wouldn't of even realized I was there because he didn't even notice me enough to change his course before he almost slammed into me. I know that. But I can't stop. And I don't feel like I can ever become a person who can live in the world in a way that will ever allow me to thrive because you need people for that and people don't wanna be around this. I wish I was into drugs and drinking because maybe I could just make it go away for a moment. But my party days are over end it is never ever worth how awful I feel after the fact.
I don't want to feel this way. I want to be happy and I want to be at peace and I want to feel safe but I don't see how I will ever find that. It could be said that I'm comparing myself to others but that only applies to whether I'm judging myself for being this way, not the fact that whether I accept myself or not I still have to endure this. I don't have the option to feel okay but I do have the option to stop.
I wish I could curl up into a giant lap I feel like the world is safe and know that I will be OK but I know this isn't true and I don't know how to make even the feeling of family incorporate into my life anymore even if it's an illusion.This is what I'm looking to escape. And of course it's Sunday so I cannot get the supplies that I need to go by any method of my own choosing. I don't want to use a belt. I don't want to be found in that condition. I have a camp stove and I could probably make a small enough tent to create enough carbon monoxide to get the job done but from what I've read it's really hard to succeed that one. I've read that for the most part too much actual oxygen is able to get into almost every set up to allow the concentrations to rise enough to get the job done. I feel absolutely trapped. And the last few days were so good. And I feel like I'm just having some bullshit pity party but maybe that's just what people say when they don't want to hear it. This is the only place I'm going to talk about it so I guess I won't put that on anybody who actually has to be around me.
I know that my behavior tonight was an overreaction to somebody who wouldn't of even realized I was there because he didn't even notice me enough to change his course before he almost slammed into me. I know that. But I can't stop. And I don't feel like I can ever become a person who can live in the world in a way that will ever allow me to thrive because you need people for that and people don't wanna be around this. I wish I was into drugs and drinking because maybe I could just make it go away for a moment. But my party days are over end it is never ever worth how awful I feel after the fact.
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