it's always superficial at therapy.

[cattalk610]

i want to talk more in depth about my depression with my therapist. I am actually seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. But... idk... We don't talk about my depression a lot. They don't even prononce this word that much. We don't talk about what's happening with my brain. What's wrong. I want them to try to find. Sometimes i even would like to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. And i even wonder if i don't have something in my brain and the way i act that other don't have.
With my psychologist, we talk about my relationship with my family that is bad. We talk about more "material" stuff. The same goes with my psychiatrist. I don't feel like they even realize that there is something wrong in my brain. I want them to ask me questions about it, to search what's happening. They diagnosed my depression, and i'm taking antidepressants and anxiolytics. Tho it doesn't help lol. But... idk... it's not deep enough, the things we talk about. I want to feel like someone is analyzing me, and trying to find what's wrong.


Somehow i want them to dig in my blurry thoughts and my intimacy. Because i am completely loosing track with my depression.

Do you know how i could do that??

 

[Sensei]

I understand what you mean. What specifically is it that makes you feel that something is wrong with your brain? It's not uncommon that antidepressants don't work, but it can sometimes mean that it's more than just a depression. It sounds like they need to investigate this further. Unfortunately, pschologists and psychiatrists sometimes don't take it seriously before something serious happen.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You can tell your psychologist exactly what you said here.

 

[cattalk610]

I understand what you mean. What specifically is it that makes you feel that something is wrong with your brain? It's not uncommon that antidepressants don't work, but it can sometimes mean that it's more than just a depression. It sounds like they need to investigate this further. Unfortunately, pschologists and psychiatrists sometimes don't take it seriously before something serious happen.

I definitely feel like they don't take it seriously, unless i'm expressing out loud and clearly my suicidal thoughts... What makes me feel that something is wrong with my brain first is that i'm never able to express things clearly, i always have a hard time keeping track on what's happening to me (my emotions, the way i feel) it's very very mixed. I can never say it's this or that, if i'm feeling better or worse. If i'm having sadness or anger, guilt or if i don't give a fvck at all. It's like my brain is in constant 24/7 fight and chaos about whether it's true or not, valid or not.
I'm spaced out. Often distracted. I always want to jump in my own world. Every time i am alone i just think. And i don't even know what i think about. I can't ell you. My way of thinking is compulsive. I call everything into question, my own actions, feelings, taste, and other people's too. It's just a big big big chaos. and i feel like i am a liar.
I never clearly want something. Nothing is black or white.
I also can do thing very impulsively such as buying, or going somewhere. I'd be in a shop, buying something and then i'd be like "why did i just do that???" or i go somewhere and i'm often staring into space.

My brain feels rotten. There is something not working that makes everything malfunction.

You can tell your psychologist exactly what you said here.

yeah.. i know this is the easiest way... i just don't know where and how to find the courage. obviously i'm scared to be ridiculous or not be taken seriously and be a fool.

 

[Sensei]

I definitely feel like they don't take it seriously, unless i'm expressing out loud and clearly my suicidal thoughts... What makes me feel that something is wrong with my brain first is that i'm never able to express things clearly, i always have a hard time keeping track on what's happening to me (my emotions, the way i feel) it's very very mixed. I can never say it's this or that, if i'm feeling better or worse. If i'm having sadness or anger, guilt or if i don't give a fvck at all. It's like my brain is in constant 24/7 fight and chaos about whether it's true or not, valid or not.
I'm spaced out. Often distracted. I always want to jump in my own world. Every time i am alone i just think. And i don't even know what i think about. I can't ell you. My way of thinking is compulsive. I call everything into question, my own actions, feelings, taste, and other people's too. It's just a big big big chaos. and i feel like i am a liar.
I never clearly want something. Nothing is black or white.
I also can do thing very impulsively such as buying, or going somewhere. I'd be in a shop, buying something and then i'd be like "why did i just do that???" or i go somewhere and i'm often staring into space.

My brain feels rotten. There is something not working that makes everything malfunction.

That doesn't sound like normal depression. I dare not guess what it might be, but I think it's time for you to demand that they examine you further. Don't think too much, just tell them.

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I was in a similar position with my psychologist until I took an overdose and we were forced to explore that stuff. I definitely don't recommend that, but maybe you could write down what you want to say and then bring it with you? I was nervous about discussing those things and want to bring it up but it's one of the best things that have happened to me.

I have BPD and I experience a lot of those things. Obviously it's different for everyone but I've found writing really helpful. At first it was so difficult but now I kind of force myself to try and write about what I'm feeling as much as I can (every other day at least) and I'm starting to get more confident with it. The more I do it the easier it gets. If you want to talk about a PD diagnosis feel free to message me! How long have you been on the antidepressants if you don't mind me asking?

 

[cattalk610]

I was in a similar position with my psychologist until I took an overdose and we were forced to explore that stuff. I definitely don't recommend that, but maybe you could write down what you want to say and then bring it with you? I was nervous about discussing those things and want to bring it up but it's one of the best things that have happened to me.

I have BPD and I experience a lot of those things. Obviously it's different for everyone but I've found writing really helpful. At first it was so difficult but now I kind of force myself to try and write about what I'm feeling as much as I can (every other day at least) and I'm starting to get more confident with it. The more I do it the easier it gets. If you want to talk about a PD diagnosis feel free to message me! How long have you been on the antidepressants if you don't mind me asking?

I try to write sometimes but it is difficult for me to find the right words that describe the way i feel, but i should do this more often, and maybe with time I will do better at this. I'm very anxious and nervous about bringing a paper in therapy and just reading that.. i know it seems ridiculous but i'm so scared to just be a fool and look like i'm just creating stories in my head. I somehow feel like it's never valid..
it's been 5 months i'm on antidepressants but i don't see a big difference.

 

[noaccount]

I have had experiences like this a lot.
It is worth it for me to keep seeking holistic, humanistic, non-biomedical frameworks and conversations.
More often available, for me, in peer-to-peer groups with psych-survivor / neurodiverse orientations.
'Narrative therapy' stuff developing out of Australia is interesting to me also...

 

[Genetics]

i want to talk more in depth about my depression with my therapist. I am actually seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. But... idk... We don't talk about my depression a lot. They don't even prononce this word that much. We don't talk about what's happening with my brain. What's wrong. I want them to try to find. Sometimes i even would like to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. And i even wonder if i don't have something in my brain and the way i act that other don't have.
With my psychologist, we talk about my relationship with my family that is bad. We talk about more "material" stuff. The same goes with my psychiatrist. I don't feel like they even realize that there is something wrong in my brain. I want them to ask me questions about it, to search what's happening. They diagnosed my depression, and i'm taking antidepressants and anxiolytics. Tho it doesn't help lol. But... idk... it's not deep enough, the things we talk about. I want to feel like someone is analyzing me, and trying to find what's wrong.


Somehow i want them to dig in my blurry thoughts and my intimacy. Because i am completely loosing track with my depression.

Do you know how i could do that??

Tell them "I like our sessions, they're a touchstone to me, but I need to go deeper in depth concerning my depression. Could we do that?"

 

[SleeplessSoul]

I try to write sometimes but it is difficult for me to find the right words that describe the way i feel, but i should do this more often, and maybe with time I will do better at this. I'm very anxious and nervous about bringing a paper in therapy and just reading that.. i know it seems ridiculous but i'm so scared to just be a fool and look like i'm just creating stories in my head. I somehow feel like it's never valid..
it's been 5 months i'm on antidepressants but i don't see a big difference.

I don't think there's such thing as the right words but if you don't find it helpful hopefully you can find something else? If you can't work out your emotions have you looked at an emotions wheel? It's definitely helped me pick out emotions. You don't sound ridiculous at all! Genetics' suggestion sounds really good so if you feel able to do that it's a good starting place. Just practice it before you go in so you feel more confident doing it.

5 months you'd hopefully have some changes. Would you want to try something different? That might be something to discuss with your physician.

 

[RayoSinSol]

I have had experiences like this a lot.
It is worth it for me to keep seeking holistic, humanistic, non-biomedical frameworks and conversations.
More often available, for me, in peer-to-peer groups with psych-survivor / neurodiverse orientations.
'Narrative therapy' stuff developing out of Australia is interesting to me also...

How do you get on a track to finding that kind of thing?

 

[cattalk610]

I don't think there's such thing as the right words but if you don't find it helpful hopefully you can find something else? If you can't work out your emotions have you looked at an emotions wheel? It's definitely helped me pick out emotions. You don't sound ridiculous at all! Genetics' suggestion sounds really good so if you feel able to do that it's a good starting place. Just practice it before you go in so you feel more confident doing it.

5 months you'd hopefully have some changes. Would you want to try something different? That might be something to discuss with your physician.

i never looked at an emotion wheel before, i just found out what it is thanks to your post, i think i'll try to write with that. It helps me writing my feelings also because i feel like i forget a lot, and i have a huge fear of forgetting what i'm going through. Sometimes at therapy i'm so spaced out i forget what i did the past few days..

My psychiatrist want me to continue this anti depressants, i already changed once..
With the quarantine it's like so so much harder to tell these things to my psychologist because we only have sessions by phone and it's a hell