succor
tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
- Oct 28, 2020
- 104
Today has been particularly unkind. My condition has been deteriorating more and more over the last year and a half with all of my chronic illnesses, and just to add another slap in the face from whatever powers that be, the steroids I'm on to keep my liver from destroying itself has put me into pre-diabetes and given me Cushing Syndrome. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. My entire body has changed. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm wracked with so much pain all over.
The worst part of all of this is that I wanted to badly to live. I used to be vibrant. I felt beautiful. I had so many dreams and ambitions. Now I have nothing. I can feel my cognitive function slipping more and more. My body betrays me at every opportunity it can. I'm soggy and bloated like a corpse in the water. Hands tied, the waves bash me against the rocks over and over again. I cannot surface. I cannot suck in a breath.
I want this to be over. I need this to be over. In any way it can be. I need to be done.
I am so alone. I don't want to be called strong or brave or a warrior or whatever anymore. I want to be dead and gone. I hate it here. I want to leave. I've never suffered so much in my entire life, and I grew up with abuse and rape and addiction. What was the point of overcoming all of that if this is where I ended up? This joke isn't funny anymore. I am so palpably and profoundly alone.
The worst part of all of this is that I wanted to badly to live. I used to be vibrant. I felt beautiful. I had so many dreams and ambitions. Now I have nothing. I can feel my cognitive function slipping more and more. My body betrays me at every opportunity it can. I'm soggy and bloated like a corpse in the water. Hands tied, the waves bash me against the rocks over and over again. I cannot surface. I cannot suck in a breath.
I want this to be over. I need this to be over. In any way it can be. I need to be done.
I am so alone. I don't want to be called strong or brave or a warrior or whatever anymore. I want to be dead and gone. I hate it here. I want to leave. I've never suffered so much in my entire life, and I grew up with abuse and rape and addiction. What was the point of overcoming all of that if this is where I ended up? This joke isn't funny anymore. I am so palpably and profoundly alone.
