Winters
New Member
- Nov 18, 2023
- 4
Before I met her, I was completely sure my life was quickly reaching its conclusion, not because I was "simply" miserable or anything like that; I had spent every waking day mulling my suicide over, life was empty for me, I never felt anything no matter what I did, I took no profound interest in anything, every activity I did was followed by a constant sense of "something" looming over my shoulder, maybe not so much dread as it is a reminder that deep down I don't actually care about what I'm doing at all. I made my peace with the fact that I wasn't made for this world a long time ago, I figured I would distance myself from whoever knew me first and then kill myself as to not inconvenience anybody.
Then I started talking to her online, I don't know how to describe what I felt from her at first, it was the first time I felt anything like that to begin with, I guess it just flowed thoughtlessly as if I knew her for a long time and I could share some random thing I liked. Some time goes by like this, it reaches a point where we knew we loved each other but both of us were too shy to say it-- eventually it's New Year's and we spend an hour saying "I love you to each other". I was entranced so it took some that to realize that for the first time in my life I felt human, I felt happiness, I felt sadness, all for the first time. With time there must've been some cracks starting to form, she complained that I wasn't showing her enough affection or attention, this puzzled me at first but it must've been because I had gotten so comfortable around her and became less talkative, or simply because I naturally was a bad person in ways I didn't realize, regardless I tried my best to reflect on my behavior and do better. I didn't want to defend myself by simply saying that I showed her affection my own way, she deserves for me to put in effort.
A few months go by like this, I gain liveliness, she supports me and seems happy despite my awful flaws. Shortly after, our mutual friend died after he was betrayed by the person he loved, he was very dear to her, I could never convince her that she wasn't responsible for his death. I had done all these things to honor him after his death but not having done nearly enough for him while he was alive still eats at me every day. I didn't want her to die too, so I tried my best to let her know that I genuinely love her and dispel any negative thoughts she had, it lead to some heated moments when she wanted to harm herself and I was scrambling for another awful attempt of mine to make her know that I care, although I could never find the right way to do so; it led to her thinking that I didn't care at all, that I was all kinds of awful which I could never blame her for, I never lashed out at her but I froze at the worst moments, when she needed me the most I stood there like a moron not knowing what to say that would soothe her, this combined with the fact that I desperately wanted to express the love I feel was painful. I was incapable of being enough for her.
The following year's Christmas I finally flew to visit her, we hadn't spoken in some weeks prior to that, I didn't know if she'd see me, but I went anyways. I didn't tell her as to not burden her but prior to the flight I was in a miserable state, I sunk lower than my 'original self', I don't remember much of the details aside from it being a bout of depression that left me immobile every day. I still feel ashamed that I couldn't even think of being presentable before meeting her, and worst of all I didn't bring a gift. I could summon a plethora of excuses as to why I didn't bring one but none of them justify it, at that point I hadn't associated Xmas with gifts in years but still, I should have given it a second of thought, I must be a stain on her memories just for that. When we first saw each other it was like nothing bad had ever happened, we were both like shy kids, she always would hide her face when I looked at her. She's very pretty. I don't know how she could kiss a hideous thing like me but all such bad thoughts went away when I was with her. The days passed by too quickly, it was only a week but I felt like I lived a life there, I could write tons about how wonderful it was to be with her but I'm dragging on. When it was time to go I wasn't too upset because I was sure that I would see her again soon, she didn't think the same, it didn't seem like she had any faith in me ever coming back, I don't know why. But it turned out as a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts, the more she brought it up as if it were a fact of fate the more I got confused and sometimes annoyed at why she kept insisting on it. In turn she'd see this as me disliking her. As it got worse I froze again, I was useless as always, she must've resented me for it, I was completely non verbal and when I tried my best I somehow made everything worse. I fell into another depressive episode, I didn't notice time going by as I abandoned all my responsibilities, it was already summer at that point and I had failed university, I stared at my exams and felt nothing to compel myself to write answers. Then I found out during that time that she had cheated on me, she insisted on saying that she didn't consider me her boyfriend and merely found another guy outside of our relationship directly as if it softened the blow in any sort of manner, considering they had spent time sweet-talking each other to sleep while I was still talking to her wondering what I could do to make her feel better. To her it must've looked different.
When people metaphorically say that they feel everything crumbling down around them, , in reality it's very visceral. I couldn't even bring myself to lash out against anything, I just felt a pit in my stomach get deeper with every moment.
Right now, she's somewhere living her life with another lover. I do hope she's happy and all, I was awful to her, even though I tried my best I couldn't meet her needs, I know that I don't deserve her, I know all that, but it doesn't feel any less painful. People bash on inadequate boyfriends all the time but is it so wrong for me to feel this way?
I still love her but it's been almost half a year now that I've returned to my old self on top of this painful gaping hole that just keeps digging at me.
I haven't done anything since, I lay in my room doing nothing at all except staring at the wall or the ceiling as hours turn into days and days into weeks. With her I felt alive, but that's not why I love her, because I still love her even in this state.
I doubt I'll ever be doing anything again, as I have never done anything before. I haven't made anything of value to leave in this world so I guess I decided to write this quick overview of my life before I go. Feel free to ask me anything regarding my life or anything else really.
Despite everything I still am bothered by the thought of inconveniencing someone with my death, perhaps if magic exists I could get something to inhabit my body while I move onto death, that would be good, it'd value life more than I do.
I won't be proofreading any of this, but I can expand on anything unclear. At least I'll have done something for once.
Then I started talking to her online, I don't know how to describe what I felt from her at first, it was the first time I felt anything like that to begin with, I guess it just flowed thoughtlessly as if I knew her for a long time and I could share some random thing I liked. Some time goes by like this, it reaches a point where we knew we loved each other but both of us were too shy to say it-- eventually it's New Year's and we spend an hour saying "I love you to each other". I was entranced so it took some that to realize that for the first time in my life I felt human, I felt happiness, I felt sadness, all for the first time. With time there must've been some cracks starting to form, she complained that I wasn't showing her enough affection or attention, this puzzled me at first but it must've been because I had gotten so comfortable around her and became less talkative, or simply because I naturally was a bad person in ways I didn't realize, regardless I tried my best to reflect on my behavior and do better. I didn't want to defend myself by simply saying that I showed her affection my own way, she deserves for me to put in effort.
A few months go by like this, I gain liveliness, she supports me and seems happy despite my awful flaws. Shortly after, our mutual friend died after he was betrayed by the person he loved, he was very dear to her, I could never convince her that she wasn't responsible for his death. I had done all these things to honor him after his death but not having done nearly enough for him while he was alive still eats at me every day. I didn't want her to die too, so I tried my best to let her know that I genuinely love her and dispel any negative thoughts she had, it lead to some heated moments when she wanted to harm herself and I was scrambling for another awful attempt of mine to make her know that I care, although I could never find the right way to do so; it led to her thinking that I didn't care at all, that I was all kinds of awful which I could never blame her for, I never lashed out at her but I froze at the worst moments, when she needed me the most I stood there like a moron not knowing what to say that would soothe her, this combined with the fact that I desperately wanted to express the love I feel was painful. I was incapable of being enough for her.
The following year's Christmas I finally flew to visit her, we hadn't spoken in some weeks prior to that, I didn't know if she'd see me, but I went anyways. I didn't tell her as to not burden her but prior to the flight I was in a miserable state, I sunk lower than my 'original self', I don't remember much of the details aside from it being a bout of depression that left me immobile every day. I still feel ashamed that I couldn't even think of being presentable before meeting her, and worst of all I didn't bring a gift. I could summon a plethora of excuses as to why I didn't bring one but none of them justify it, at that point I hadn't associated Xmas with gifts in years but still, I should have given it a second of thought, I must be a stain on her memories just for that. When we first saw each other it was like nothing bad had ever happened, we were both like shy kids, she always would hide her face when I looked at her. She's very pretty. I don't know how she could kiss a hideous thing like me but all such bad thoughts went away when I was with her. The days passed by too quickly, it was only a week but I felt like I lived a life there, I could write tons about how wonderful it was to be with her but I'm dragging on. When it was time to go I wasn't too upset because I was sure that I would see her again soon, she didn't think the same, it didn't seem like she had any faith in me ever coming back, I don't know why. But it turned out as a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts, the more she brought it up as if it were a fact of fate the more I got confused and sometimes annoyed at why she kept insisting on it. In turn she'd see this as me disliking her. As it got worse I froze again, I was useless as always, she must've resented me for it, I was completely non verbal and when I tried my best I somehow made everything worse. I fell into another depressive episode, I didn't notice time going by as I abandoned all my responsibilities, it was already summer at that point and I had failed university, I stared at my exams and felt nothing to compel myself to write answers. Then I found out during that time that she had cheated on me, she insisted on saying that she didn't consider me her boyfriend and merely found another guy outside of our relationship directly as if it softened the blow in any sort of manner, considering they had spent time sweet-talking each other to sleep while I was still talking to her wondering what I could do to make her feel better. To her it must've looked different.
When people metaphorically say that they feel everything crumbling down around them, , in reality it's very visceral. I couldn't even bring myself to lash out against anything, I just felt a pit in my stomach get deeper with every moment.
Right now, she's somewhere living her life with another lover. I do hope she's happy and all, I was awful to her, even though I tried my best I couldn't meet her needs, I know that I don't deserve her, I know all that, but it doesn't feel any less painful. People bash on inadequate boyfriends all the time but is it so wrong for me to feel this way?
I still love her but it's been almost half a year now that I've returned to my old self on top of this painful gaping hole that just keeps digging at me.
I haven't done anything since, I lay in my room doing nothing at all except staring at the wall or the ceiling as hours turn into days and days into weeks. With her I felt alive, but that's not why I love her, because I still love her even in this state.
I doubt I'll ever be doing anything again, as I have never done anything before. I haven't made anything of value to leave in this world so I guess I decided to write this quick overview of my life before I go. Feel free to ask me anything regarding my life or anything else really.
Despite everything I still am bothered by the thought of inconveniencing someone with my death, perhaps if magic exists I could get something to inhabit my body while I move onto death, that would be good, it'd value life more than I do.
I won't be proofreading any of this, but I can expand on anything unclear. At least I'll have done something for once.
