Discussion It will never make sense to your loved ones

[Polyxo]

This thread is specifically for those who have people that care and love them, and who loves those people in return. Your loved ones' questions will always be

"but why didn't you say anything about your suffering?"

"why didn't you trust us to help you?"

"regardless of any reason, why didn't you consider what this would do to us?"

"did you hate us, is that why you did it?"

"you hid it too well from us"

"we have you everything, so why?"


People will attempt to cope by rationalizing the tragedy, speculating the motivations behind it. However, no matter how much the desire to leave this life is explained, your stable, healthy loved ones will not understand an ill mind.

I believe the most we can do is leave a note to try and explain that we are just inherently broken, that it has nothing to do with the people around us or their "failures". That dying was an autonomous choice, and even a privilege, for us. Trying to explain the specific stream of thoughts/delusions in our head that led to the decision to CTB will be pointless and introduce more questions for them than answers.

What do you think?

 

[snooperdooper]

The overwhelming majority of people are self centered when it comes to the topic of depression and suicide.

 

[Polyxo]

The overwhelming majority of people are self centered when it comes to the topic of depression and suicide.

Do you have loved ones that you care about? It's understandable to feel resentment towards people who don't understand the suffering you're going through. I'm hiding my suffering from my family because I believe it would burden them. Plus, my parents don't really understand depression and think it's simply a condition that can be cured by just "focusing on positive things instead."

But at the same time I personally think it's unrealistic to expect mentally healthy people to fully understand a mentally ill mind. Most loved ones first learn about what you're going through when you're already dead. At that time, they will seek answers and closure that they will likely never have. And I really feel guilty about that. With or without a note, guilt and the stages of grief will make them believe that the motivation behind the death was a personal attack on them or their fault. But at the same time, I think leaving a note is better than nothing, even if they don't choose to read it soon after I die.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I also think that leaving a note for some form of explanation/ closure is a good thing to do.

As for me, I'm not sure that I am that plagued by mental illness. It's more that a whole bunch of shit happened in childhood which lead to me focusing on a coping mechanism, which lead to a maladaptive life, which has ultimately failed. I could plausibly blame certain members of my family for setting me on this track to begin with- which I of course, decided to follow. So- not all down to them. So, it's not exactly accurate to reassure everyone they are blameless. I don't intend to lay blame though. They know what happened.

I actually intend to hold off my suicide until my Dad goes first. He's the last remaining family member whom I feel it could potentially devastate. I still want to leave notes for others on the periphery who do care though.

They will be along the lines of- It wasn't an impulsive decision. Ideation started for me in childhood. I did all I could to stay here while my family members it would most affect where alive. I did my best to make life work but, it was never really something I wanted. I didn't tell people because, there was nothing they could have done to help. All it would have done was worry them. That isn't what I wanted. I hate that my suicide may cause them grief but hope they will forgive me and understand that it's a struggle to live indefinately for the sake of others. I would want to express gratitude for the people who have helped me. Ultimately though, I want them to try to feel relieved for me that I'm (hopefully) free now and that I do sincerely wish them happiness in their own lives.

 

[ginko0]

This thread is specifically for those who have people that care and love them, and who loves those people in return. Your loved ones' questions will always be

"but why didn't you say anything about your suffering?"

"why didn't you trust us to help you?"

"regardless of any reason, why didn't you consider what this would do to us?"

"did you hate us, is that why you did it?"

"you hid it too well from us"

"we have you everything, so why?"

I agree with you. Explaining the motives behind the act is almost impossible. Our subject experience cannot be understood by someone else. The only thing stopping me still is the certainty that my parents would be absolutely devastated. If there comes to a point where I really can't postpone it, the only thing I'll explain is that they're not to blame, that they couldn't have saved me, and that I don't want them to cry over me. I know it's pointless, but I think a letter will give the people I loved a sense of "closure", the notion that the act came from a resolute decision and not from blind despair.

 

[panda55]

As I was writing my exit letter I thought the same thing. It sucks that it will never make sense to your loved ones. But also it's a good thing that it will never make sense to them too. It means they are not going through the situation you have to deal with in order to reach your decision.

I would love to be the last one in my tribe that has to go through this situation. I think our job before we leave is to let them know our why and that they were not the reason at all for it.

 

[bankai]

Can anyone really help us though? I mean, most of us have spent decades being alive and trying our best, right? Sure. When we're gone, these people don't have a choice. They're going to have to rationalize it in some way.

I'm already softening up my mother to the idea by telling her how much I hate life and how bored I am etc. When my day finally comes, I'm sure it won't be as much of A shock to her.

 

[Polyxo]

I also think that leaving a note for some form of explanation/ closure is a good thing to do.

As for me, I'm not sure that I am that plagued by mental illness. It's more that a whole bunch of shit happened in childhood which lead to me focusing on a coping mechanism, which lead to a maladaptive life, which has ultimately failed. I could plausibly blame certain members of my family for setting me on this track to begin with- which I of course, decided to follow. So- not all down to them. So, it's not exactly accurate to reassure everyone they are blameless. I don't intend to lay blame though. They know what happened.

I actually intend to hold off my suicide until my Dad goes first. He's the last remaining family member whom I feel it could potentially devastate. I still want to leave notes for others on the periphery who do care though.

They will be along the lines of- It wasn't an impulsive decision. Ideation started for me in childhood. I did all I could to stay here while my family members it would most affect where alive. I did my best to make life work but, it was never really something I wanted. I didn't tell people because, there was nothing they could have done to help. All it would have done was worry them. That isn't what I wanted. I hate that my suicide may cause them grief but hope they will forgive me and understand that it's a struggle to live indefinately for the sake of others. I would want to express gratitude for the people who have helped me. Ultimately though, I want them to try to feel relieved for me that I'm (hopefully) free now and that I do sincerely wish them happiness in their own lives.

At the end of the day, we are just living for the sake of others, which is extremely difficult. I believe that, with the love our people have shown us, they can be strong enough to heal and feel relieved for us.

I agree with you. Explaining the motives behind the act is almost impossible. Our subject experience cannot be understood by someone else. The only thing stopping me still is the certainty that my parents would be absolutely devastated. If there comes to a point where I really can't postpone it, the only thing I'll explain is that they're not to blame, that they couldn't have saved me, and that I don't want them to cry over me. I know it's pointless, but I think a letter will give the people I loved a sense of "closure", the notion that the act came from a resolute decision and not from blind despair.

Your last sentence is really moving. Resolute decision rather than blind despair. I want to believe there's a degree of comfort for our loved ones in the fact that we plan and consider them rather than CTB on impulse, which is really the most unfortunate way for anyone to go in my opinion.

As I was writing my exit letter I thought the same thing. It sucks that it will never make sense to your loved ones. But also it's a good thing that it will never make sense to them too. It means they are not going through the situation you have to deal with in order to reach your decision.

I would love to be the last one in my tribe that has to go through this situation. I think our job before we leave is to let them know our why and that they were not the reason at all for it.

I would never want my family to experience the same mental hell I'm living. Putting it the way you have, it really is for the best that they don't understand, or else they could easily follow the same path.

I suppose I have a fear of being "selfish," the way most other people view suicide. It might be "selfish" to wish for understanding from the people you care about the most, but at the same time, there should be no guilt from having those feelings. We're human and it's our natural instinct to seek connection. It's why we're all using this forum.

I'm also in the same boat thinking we owe it to the people who love us some sort of answer, even if our best ability to express ourselves can't make them understand.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I believe the most we can do is leave a note to try and explain that we are just inherently broken, that it has nothing to do with the people around us or their "failures". That dying was an autonomous choice, and even a privilege, for us. Trying to explain the specific stream of thoughts/delusions in our head that led to the decision to CTB will be pointless and introduce more questions for them than answers.

What do you think?

I think this is true. I might try this approach when making my notes for people. They'll never really understand whatever reasons I give them. So it's probably simpler to just write I'm broken and can't be fixed.

Also yeah, I agree with your title. There was another thread that asked if normal people could understand depression, and my answer is no. They can try to sympathize, but they'll never TRUELY understand. I just don't think it's possible for humans to understand others' experiences especially when it comes to emotions.

Eh, maybe I'll write a longer note for myself. I'll try to give as much explanation as possible, but not really expect them to understand.

 

[akafuka1999]

Yes. I was all my life different. Even in my kindergarden I would now know it is my fate to suicide. Its tragic. I am ill and dont know how to explain. My brain is fucking suffering machine.
Somehow yes. But I am not consent with my bounds to my mother. She will be broken.

 

[Mooncry]

Exactly why I'm not going into any sort of detail with my letter. I made it as clear as I could that it was nobody's fault, no one could have saved me, and that I had my reasons which I wouldn't share. For one, if I actually tried to go into detail and be honest about my reasons for doing it, it'd just turn into a never-ending mess of word slop. And two, nobody but me truly understands anyway. It may make me sound cold, and I definitely have grown quite a bit emotionally numb to it, but I'm just not going to do anything but the bare minimum.

I think that the more important thing to do with your letter is to make sure the practical side of it is sound, rather than putting so much emphasis on the emotional/goodbye side.