My time is coming sooner than expected.
But this is what I wanted right?
This is what I asked for over and over.
Well Sunday evening I got it.
I was fired from that trashy hotel.
For such a insignificant thing. I thought I'd get fired for something more major.
He fired me for I guess I was yelling and telling the truth and his ego couldn't take it.
So it's all coming together right. This may not be how I wanted to go but nonetheless it seems to be headed in the direction I wanted.
I asked for a source...begged actually and I got not one but two. I'm so grateful that source believed me and helped me. I had money at and time and so I didn't feel rushed.
I hated that job and right before I walked in I said outloud as I always did please let my time to die be soon.
Well I walked in at 3pm and was fired by 6pm.
So I've spent the last few days in my apartment praying that this is actually my time.
I finally have a real exit plan. I just need to relax. Not overthink and plan. Just face the fear.
The fear is not actually dying...it's not even the process. It's the not knowing if I'll be part of the group that fails.
I don't want to take AE's and I don't have time if I wanted to.
Instead of late June my time has bumped up to early June.
Basically next week.
All my credit cards have been used up. I have no money for rent or my car. The money I do have I'll take out and leave for my mom to use how she sees fit.
Or maybe I'll leave it to my sister for her and the kids.
I feel like it's all falling into place but I'm still nervous.
My stomach growls all the time and sometimes small aches. It's like my body knows something is coming.
I plan before the actual day to fast so I've been indulging in food.
I might even try to do a salt water detox a couple of days prior.
I also still need to test My SN and backup SN.
I'm also still looking for a partner. Not to Uber Black with but simple little things...so PM me if interested.
Yesterday was odd so I'm being very cautious.
I saw a video about a woman who was found in her apartment 3 years later.
I thought well I don't mind but I'm thinking a week or two max before someone comes looking for me.
Then my mom called and she asked me how I was.
I whimper ok and she says I called yesterday and I said I probably was sleeping.
She went on to ask me what do you plan to do about your apartment.
I thought that was odd because did she expect that I wouldn't be able to pay..pack up..move back with my grandmother and continue to work a job I hate.
Did she really think after losing a job I liked that I had for 8yrs and a traumatic failed suicide attempt at 43 I was going to be able to salvage my life.
I played along and said I'll let you know after pay day.
Not only am I hoping but I need this attempt to work.
I refuse to go on.
I refuse to be homeless and broke surrounded by people who say they love me but don't really love me and can't help me.
So as the days pass and I get closer and closer it's a mixed emotions of relief, happiness but fear.
I'm sure there are things in my past that I really really wanted but I can't remember wanting anything as much as I want this.
I wanted to go see one last movie but I was too tired and I fell asleep.
I think now I'll just eat and watch TV until I get tired again.
It's a euphoric feeling knowing that I'm really gonna attempt soon.
I think if I knew for sure that my attempt will work I'd enjoy these days a little more.
But in the meantime I'm grateful that I made it this far.
That I was blessed with a legit method.
That I'll get to be at home surrounded by my sweet perfume, candles and my favorite pillow.
Dejavu...another countdown to go.
I really hope this is the final and permanent ending.
In my 369 journal I wrote I wanna laugh, love and dance like I used to.
I see myself in all white feeling joy and warmth.
Don't I deserve that.
But this is what I wanted right?
This is what I asked for over and over.
Well Sunday evening I got it.
I was fired from that trashy hotel.
For such a insignificant thing. I thought I'd get fired for something more major.
He fired me for I guess I was yelling and telling the truth and his ego couldn't take it.
So it's all coming together right. This may not be how I wanted to go but nonetheless it seems to be headed in the direction I wanted.
I asked for a source...begged actually and I got not one but two. I'm so grateful that source believed me and helped me. I had money at and time and so I didn't feel rushed.
I hated that job and right before I walked in I said outloud as I always did please let my time to die be soon.
Well I walked in at 3pm and was fired by 6pm.
So I've spent the last few days in my apartment praying that this is actually my time.
I finally have a real exit plan. I just need to relax. Not overthink and plan. Just face the fear.
The fear is not actually dying...it's not even the process. It's the not knowing if I'll be part of the group that fails.
I don't want to take AE's and I don't have time if I wanted to.
Instead of late June my time has bumped up to early June.
Basically next week.
All my credit cards have been used up. I have no money for rent or my car. The money I do have I'll take out and leave for my mom to use how she sees fit.
Or maybe I'll leave it to my sister for her and the kids.
I feel like it's all falling into place but I'm still nervous.
My stomach growls all the time and sometimes small aches. It's like my body knows something is coming.
I plan before the actual day to fast so I've been indulging in food.
I might even try to do a salt water detox a couple of days prior.
I also still need to test My SN and backup SN.
I'm also still looking for a partner. Not to Uber Black with but simple little things...so PM me if interested.
Yesterday was odd so I'm being very cautious.
I saw a video about a woman who was found in her apartment 3 years later.
I thought well I don't mind but I'm thinking a week or two max before someone comes looking for me.
Then my mom called and she asked me how I was.
I whimper ok and she says I called yesterday and I said I probably was sleeping.
She went on to ask me what do you plan to do about your apartment.
I thought that was odd because did she expect that I wouldn't be able to pay..pack up..move back with my grandmother and continue to work a job I hate.
Did she really think after losing a job I liked that I had for 8yrs and a traumatic failed suicide attempt at 43 I was going to be able to salvage my life.
I played along and said I'll let you know after pay day.
Not only am I hoping but I need this attempt to work.
I refuse to go on.
I refuse to be homeless and broke surrounded by people who say they love me but don't really love me and can't help me.
So as the days pass and I get closer and closer it's a mixed emotions of relief, happiness but fear.
I'm sure there are things in my past that I really really wanted but I can't remember wanting anything as much as I want this.
I wanted to go see one last movie but I was too tired and I fell asleep.
I think now I'll just eat and watch TV until I get tired again.
It's a euphoric feeling knowing that I'm really gonna attempt soon.
I think if I knew for sure that my attempt will work I'd enjoy these days a little more.
But in the meantime I'm grateful that I made it this far.
That I was blessed with a legit method.
That I'll get to be at home surrounded by my sweet perfume, candles and my favorite pillow.
Dejavu...another countdown to go.
I really hope this is the final and permanent ending.
In my 369 journal I wrote I wanna laugh, love and dance like I used to.
I see myself in all white feeling joy and warmth.
Don't I deserve that.
. I'm writing a final letter ( after a recent failed attempt not counting one I had years ago ) and once I get a will in place and a few more things squared away, I hope I have a successful suicide this time.
