It wasn’t my time..

[Anonymous_A]

TLDR; Ramblings of a fellow member. Couldn't go through with sn, clearly meaning i wasn't ready because it was just the taste. Holding out and bettering my life till dad passes, and that's when my life will genuinely hit rock bottom. (Or until my own heath deteriorates, but I guess that won't be a factor lol)

Theses a shitloads of factors missing, might not even make sense but just rambling in my phones notepad whilst doing some cycling lol.


So I've been away from here for a minute. Guess this just ramblings that I feel to post here.

So life got bad the time that I joined up here. I dropped out of uni, and then later lost my job in June 2020. I had saved £4k, which I motivatedly saved in the hopes of paying to start saving/and insurance for a car. I used up my savings before I could start claiming benefits. This was the beginning of things going further down hill.

After losing my job, (and covid) I literally only left the house to go to the shop late at night. Feeling hopeless, I ordered SN.

From oct 2020 till September 2021, I'd contemplate taking the sn. Literally spent countless days fasting, prepping all my notes etc..in the hopes of taking the sn. Telling myself I'll be dead no later than December 2021.

Fast forward to September 29th, I literally sat in silence at the end of my bed having prepped my sn, and all things I needed to do. Even resorting to listening to linkin park-in the end, reflecting on the fact that no matter what I do, kill myself or not..that In the end nothing really matters.

Fuck. I literally couldn't do it. I had literally wasted over a year(much longer of thoughts but nothing to this extent) contemplating the idea of ending my life.

From this point on I knew I couldn't balls myself up to actually go through with it. I fully know and understand that SN can and will kill me followed correctly so because of the fact it's just the taste holding me back, I figured it wasn't the right time.

Wasting a year, I had the realisation that I had to get my life back together or at least figure something out.


I started back at the gym, it wasn't too bad but the first steps at leaving the house and getting back on track.

I even left the house and went out in public during the day (fuckn lol) for the first time to an eye test appointment. Went well, but what hit me bad whilst on the bus journey, was looking out the window and bein hit with the odd feeling that life goes on, even without me.


Everyone I went to uni with, all the people who I were friends with (they're unaware of my situation) seem to getting on with life. Doing well for them self, I try not to think about that stuff since it hits me bad that I fell backwards and not progressed like everyone else did.


Anyways, one of the sole reasons I'm still here is my dad. I know it would break him knowing that I killed myself. So I'm just trying to get back on track until his day comes. He's old, he's 79 and I'm 24. So I've told myself, just hang on till his time comes and then re evaluate. I know my life will absolutely hit the floor when that time comes. Heck, even if I won a shit ton on the lottery…once my dad goes I know what's going to happen. Once he's gone I'm completely on my own.

So I guess now, I'm fueld by some sort of motivation to get in a better place during the time my dad has left. A better place financially, with the main goal to be able to afford N, for when the time comes. (I hope to god a source is still around when the time comes)
I don't plan on setting up things for now. Don't want kids, I don't see the point creating meaningless relationships..The less factors that could hold me back from the actions I'll take when my life finally hits rock bottom.

So for the last month and a bit, I've been looking for work, back at the gym, leaving the house multiple times a day.
Besides trying my best to ignore/cope with being in a shit financial situation, I just gotta keep plodding on. Hopefully the fact that I got hit with a £3k council tax bill (how am I supposed to pay this while being on benefits? Fml) hopefully it will be dismissed or reduced to a lower amount due to being on benefits. If not, we'll ah shit. Life goes on right?


Last few words. I literally wish I could go back to the start of all this and tell myself…'don't waste time thinking about suicide, unless I'm 100% sure Im gonna go though with it'

Now I'm keeping myself away from here until I need to source N. I hope people on here are able to make good/successful recovery posts here. If not, all the best on what decisions people decide to make


anonymous a

 

[Lotus1818]

Good luck friend.

 

[timf]

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your father. You might want to take advantage of the time you have and ask him about his life. I am sure you have already heard plenty of his stories, but you might want to ask him as if you were writing a book about his life. The process can open up an even closer relationship as well as give you insights that you might not otherwise have.

If you are able to get out, you might explore options like groups that meet at the library for various special interests and see if any strike your fancy.

You never know what you might encounter if you go exploring.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Anonymous_A]

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your father. You might want to take advantage of the time you have and ask him about his life. I am sure you have already heard plenty of his stories, but you might want to ask him as if you were writing a book about his life. The process can open up an even closer relationship as well as give you insights that you might not otherwise have.

If you are able to get out, you might explore options like groups that meet at the library for various special interests and see if any strike your fancy.

You never know what you might encounter if you go exploring.

It's weird tbh. I talk to him a few times a week, well a phone call lasting no longer 1minute. He brings me food (bulk chicken/meat for the gym lol) and hands me money now and there.
The thing holding me back is the fact that his whole family don't speak to me. (He has a real big family, like has great grand kids lol) I've got 4 step brothers/sisters that are like 40, and are pretty well off. Damn most of his kids are, even their kids too.
Literally because I was born to a different woman/mother.
I honestly don't understand why they decide to not speak to me. Literally if I had done anything wrong I'd understand but I haven't.

At the age of 13, I had to live on my own as my mum was in hospital after a stroke. My dad supported me but I lived alone. Then when my mother passed, (14) I had to live on my mates couch, as my dad didn't let me live with him and his wife, or even with his kids (my step brothers).
I literally went through the system, lived in 16-18 accommodation till I got my own place. A lot of other stuff happend but I genuinely haven't done anything wrong to that side of my family.

Kinda was motivated to become something, make it on my own and make something of my self just in spite of my dads side of my family. But along the way, depression/isolation/not having or being able to form legit relationships/friendships, getting in my own head and just being alone had made me fuck up all the stuff I tried hard at..school/uni etc.

But hey, there's worse off people than me, people in much worse situations. Etc…oh, ya, also life doesn't owe anyone shit right?

 

[9BBN]

That's rough. I've also wasted a lot of time thinking about ctb without going through with it. And it's a self-defeating cycle as more time goes down the hole. Recognizing that is the first step, though, because that's hard to realize. It took me a while to realize I was going nowhere. So I try to distract myself and start my work just when I feel suicidal.