Venting it sucks to feel like i have such stupid reasons to kill myself

[quietly_gone]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression since high school. I went from a poor public school to a private one which was way above my level (my mom's contacts managed to get me a scholarship) and I couldn't learn a single thing. I can count on my fingers the subjects I managed to pass. Mostly English (which is my second language) and Sociology. And my teachers always made a point to humiliate students who weren't up to the school's standards.

In university things got a little better. It isn't difficult to get into college where I live, but my mom did have to spend a shit ton of money. I finally learned how to study, but all the guilt from high school I became some kind of study-a-holic. I'd have to study 8+ a day or I'd feel anxious and guilty. This led me to wrist and joint pains I still deal with to this day. The pandemic happened and I had a terrible burnout and panic attacks that made me unable to leave my room. Therapy didn't help. Medication didn't help. I thought my life was over and to be honest, it was. It is.

I can't study anymore. I don't want to. I finished my degree but I want to throw it in the trash. Funny thing is, I'm a psychologist. How the hell am I supposed to do my job properly if I'm so sensitive to all things and I can't even leave my house or talk to people properly? I'm so scared. I don't want to do anything again, ever. I can't think of anything in this world that makes me want to stay alive.

My mom is a narcissistic and I've dealt with that my whole life. Everyday I hear how mediocre my life is. This word is stuck with me now. Mediocre, useless.

Last year I adopted three cats, and they were all my life line. Sadly, they all happened to have lethal diseases, most likely from their mothers. They were strays. I spent money I didn't have to give them proper burials and euthanasia. They were all I had. I had to watch them suffer and die in my own arms.

One of the cats, the third one, I did everything I could to save her from the same destiny. Monthly vet check-ups, didn't let her go outside, the best food you could think of. Just imagining her dying gave me panic attacks. And now, she only has a week or two left. I'm surviving on anxiolytics now, and when they're over my narc mom will surely refuse to buy me more. She threatens to break my things if I don't leave my bed, throws whole gallons of water at me until my sheets are soaked and I just can't stand living like this anymore. I pushed away the idea of CTB because my cat had no one besides me to take care of her but now what else do I have?

I know I sound stupidly privileged. I know. Even being from a third world country living with a poor family, I'm still privileged. But that doesn't change the way I feel. I wish that brought me some sort of comfort, but it only makes me feel worse because I'm so ungrateful for everything.

All these years I've been begging for good things to happen and it seems that the universe has simply forgotten about me. And it's fine. If that's how it is, I'll forget about it too.

Thanks to anyone who's read this dramatic vent. I hope things get a little better for you, and if you are too planning on CTB, may we go peacefully.

 

[LittleJem]

living with depression takes strength and you gave so much to your cats. But depression is a killer illness and not a stupid reason. How long to endure the suffering and what is the point of it.

 

[Nangijala]

I have suffered from anxiety and depression since high school. I went from a poor public school to a private one which was way above my level (my mom's contacts managed to get me a scholarship) and I couldn't learn a single thing. I can count on my fingers the subjects I managed to pass. Mostly English (which is my second language) and Sociology. And my teachers always made a point to humiliate students who weren't up to the school's standards.

In university things got a little better. It isn't difficult to get into college where I live, but my mom did have to spend a shit ton of money. I finally learned how to study, but all the guilt from high school I became some kind of study-a-holic. I'd have to study 8+ a day or I'd feel anxious and guilty. This led me to wrist and joint pains I still deal with to this day. The pandemic happened and I had a terrible burnout and panic attacks that made me unable to leave my room. Therapy didn't help. Medication didn't help. I thought my life was over and to be honest, it was. It is.

I can't study anymore. I don't want to. I finished my degree but I want to throw it in the trash. Funny thing is, I'm a psychologist. How the hell am I supposed to do my job properly if I'm so sensitive to all things and I can't even leave my house or talk to people properly? I'm so scared. I don't want to do anything again, ever. I can't think of anything in this world that makes me want to stay alive.

My mom is a narcissistic and I've dealt with that my whole life. Everyday I hear how mediocre my life is. This word is stuck with me now. Mediocre, useless.

Last year I adopted three cats, and they were all my life line. Sadly, they all happened to have lethal diseases, most likely from their mothers. They were strays. I spent money I didn't have to give them proper burials and euthanasia. They were all I had. I had to watch them suffer and die in my own arms.

One of the cats, the third one, I did everything I could to save her from the same destiny. Monthly vet check-ups, didn't let her go outside, the best food you could think of. Just imagining her dying gave me panic attacks. And now, she only has a week or two left. I'm surviving on anxiolytics now, and when they're over my narc mom will surely refuse to buy me more. She threatens to break my things if I don't leave my bed, throws whole gallons of water at me until my sheets are soaked and I just can't stand living like this anymore. I pushed away the idea of CTB because my cat had no one besides me to take care of her but now what else do I have?

I know I sound stupidly privileged. I know. Even being from a third world country living with a poor family, I'm still privileged. But that doesn't change the way I feel. I wish that brought me some sort of comfort, but it only makes me feel worse because I'm so ungrateful for everything.

All these years I've been begging for good things to happen and it seems that the universe has simply forgotten about me. And it's fine. If that's how it is, I'll forget about it too.

Thanks to anyone who's read this dramatic vent. I hope things get a little better for you, and if you are too planning on CTB, may we go peacefully.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. To me it seems like you are being very hard on yourself because you feel like you don't deserve to have your suffering acknowledged, given that you are in some ways privileged. Mental illness can strike anyone regardless of circumstances and the pain it inflicts is very real. I do notice your mother being a very central theme in the problems you describe. I know it is difficult for you in your current circumstances but I do wonder how your situation would change if you were to move away from her controlling/narcissistic behaviour. Best of luck to you regardless of what you decide to do in life.

 

[AresCohere]

I also often feel I have stupid reasons, and many are similar to yours.

It could easily just be self-doubt and the feeling like we don't even belong here. My mind is also generally weak so it is a lot easier to push me under.

And thanks for the well wishes at the end, peace is what we all want after all…

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that suicide could ever even need a reason in the first place, after all we are all going to die someday whether there is a reason behind it or not. But your feelings are completely valid and I don't think that one should ever have to feel grateful as after all existence was a burden so cruelly forced on us. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ringo99]

Your reasons and feelings are definitely not stupid. Living with constant stress and fear like that throughout your life can take a major mental toll. I'm from a similar background; third world country, somewhat well off parents and studied in a hyper competitive private school and college. Currently working for a middling salary in an industry that sees me as a completely disposable pawn while going through a terrible recession. I thoroughly sympathize with what you're going through. Honestly I respect the fact that you adopted three cats since I'm terrified of taking responsibility for another living creature and am always sure I'll mess up somehow. I adore cats and I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

I don't think your reasons sound stupid at all, it sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot and worked really hard to finish your degree (congrats on that btw, that's is a fantastic achievement you should be proud of) and what you tried to do for your cats shows you are a very caring person. I'm not surprised you feel the way you do after what you've had to deal with but I hope you don't CTB, you sound like a wonderful person, I think you just need to give yourself time to come to terms with everything and move forward with your life. I hope things get better for you, and don't be so hard on yourself your feelings are completely valid.

 

[enviro400mmc]

Ditto what everyone else has already said - your reasons sound far from stupid and you have clearly had a very difficult time largely through no fault of your own. If you ever dig yourself out of this (or even just try to) that is extremely impressive. If you don't, that is completely understandable. Best of luck either way.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

Ungrateful or privileged how exactly? This sounds like a life of constant mental and physical abuse. The only silver lining I can see is that if you do pull through this, you will be a psychologist who truly understand the depths of despair people can find themselves in.

Whatever you choose to do, I hope you find peace.