Venting It sucks that I can't trust people because of 1 person.

[Uhm]

I spent around 2 years with my partner just to find out I was being used by them as a backup whenever her actual boyfriend and her would get into fights she would be extremely clingy one day and the next day she would tell me we needed to break up then go back to being clingy and this cycle continued for 2 years where I would constantly be stressed about what I did wrong 1 day but then feel happy when she told me she liked being around me this constant change in mood has taken a really bad emotional effect on me because now I have become very emotionally dependent of others such as my friends but all I want is to be able to have that 1 on 1 connection with some 1 but then I get scared that they will cheat or use me again I have become so desperate for this connection that now whenever anyone shows even a little bit of interest in me I start thinking they are the one but then at the same time I'm afraid they are going to use me and discard me again it doesn't make it any better that I still talk to her and she talks to me like nothing ever happened between us and I was even there to comfort her when she broke up with her real boyfriend that period of time made me want to end it as I felt so hopeless I was comforting the person that used me in a desperate attempt to rekindled the 1 on 1 connection with the person who used me which made me feel so pathetic and miserable that i would throw away any bit of shame just to have someone by my side even if that person was the root of my problems it feels horrible because i just want someone who i can talk to and not feel like I'm bothering them yet i always crawl back to her i still have dreams where she appears and whenever it happens it makes me sick that i wake up happy for a bit like why am i so pathetic and disgusting the constant search for this connection has led me to download many social/dating apps that have done nothing but made it worse as everyone seems so fake and bland but can i blame them? Is there a point in meeting someone when you don't know if they may betray/use you the next day? I started distancing myself from friends, which does nothing but cause me harm, and when I try to make new friends, I feel like an intruder in other friend groups. My friends have started leaving me out of activities and movie-watch parties, and I want to get mad at them. Still, why invite me when all I do is complain about wanting to meet someone I can talk to and hear them out, with neither of us thinking we are a bother to each other? I can be my loser self, not the loud clown of the group I appear to be.


Sorry if I don't make sense; I just wrote what has been on my mind for years.

And hi, my name is Uhm. You will probably see me vent around here some more. I hope you guys don't mind.

 

[sadhappygirl]

i feel the same way, the only person i've ever loved ended up cheating on me during our long term relationship. then he came back, convinced me he wanted me and then left again a day later. it ruined me so much and now i feel broken because i can't even imagine ever trusting anyone again.

i wish i could be normal and trust/love others like i used to :(((
i relate to what u said about dating apps because i did that too and it just hurt me more and made me feel more depressed about love

 

[aetherless]

I'm not one to talk because I struggle with the same thing. But trauma really instills fear in my opinion that makes us afraid to take chances or give real chances to new people. We've all been so hurt by the one we care most but maybe, even knowing you might be betrayed again, still give a new person a fair chance to prove that they won't just use you but care and love you as much as you do for them. And I totally hear you about having to mute or depressing feelings in order to be wanted.. it's a utterly lonely and bitter experience. It's something I keep bottling up and exploding in a toxic way. Ugh. Wish things were a little more black and white sometimes.. best of luck to you Uhm ~

 

[F&Inside]

Hello.
Do not lose hope in love for a person who was not worth it. We can see those things coming, by details, what sometimes happens is that we don't want to see. It's not true love, it's something else. Learn from experience.

When it is true love there is no doubt.

 

[Uhm]

i feel the same way, the only person i've ever loved ended up cheating on me during our long term relationship. then he came back, convinced me he wanted me and then left again a day later. it ruined me so much and now i feel broken because i can't even imagine ever trusting anyone again.

i wish i could be normal and trust/love others like i used to :(((
i relate to what u said about dating apps because i did that too and it just hurt me more and made me feel more depressed about love

Im so sorry you had to go through that it sucks that these people don't care about what we go through after what they do to us i hope you get the happiness you deserve
and someday you can look at this as nothing more than a bad memory.

I'm not one to talk because I struggle with the same thing. But trauma really instills fear in my opinion that makes us afraid to take chances or give real chances to new people. We've all been so hurt by the one we care most but maybe, even knowing you might be betrayed again, still give a new person a fair chance to prove that they won't just use you but care and love you as much as you do for them. And I totally hear you about having to mute or depressing feelings in order to be wanted.. it's a utterly lonely and bitter experience. It's something I keep bottling up and exploding in a toxic way. Ugh. Wish things were a little more black and white sometimes.. best of luck to you Uhm ~

Thank you for the kind words i will follow your advice and hope i can find someone i can trust again i also wish for you to find someone you can be yourself and not have to bottle up your feelings

Hello.
Do not lose hope in love for a person who was not worth it. We can see those things coming, by details, what sometimes happens is that we don't want to see. It's not true love, it's something else. Learn from experience.

When it is true love there is no doubt.

Thank you for taking your time to read my rambling, i wont give up on it its just extremely frustrating and hard and im so desperate for it that it makes it feel like im never gonna get it and thus the cycle begins.