it never goes away

[rocksnrocks]

i have felt a deep feeling of wrong inside of me for as long as i can remember. since i was little i was constantly drawn back to the thought of death and it was the only thing that really made me happy. how fucked is that? an 8 year old who spent all her nights fantasizing about how she would die. my life was good, i don't know what's wrong with me. now things go wrong in my life but it's all my fault. when things are going good the pull in my chest makes me ruin everything. i always end up feeling stuck and motionless and empty and the only thing that makes me feel okay is planning on ctb. i haven't attempted anything since freshman year of high school but i have thought about it every single day and i am exhausted. the only thing keeping me going is the fear that i will fail and they will put me back in a facility and give me more drugs and talk therapy and i will lose all the autonomy i've gained back since i last
attempted. i've had so many medications so many therapists so many books so many places so many people— nothing changes. nothing does anything. i am so tired.

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

I relate to a lot of this.

 

[infi41]

I know the feeling, i don't know how old you are but in time it's gone away for me. I had to go through a lot of therapy and spent a lot of time trying to understand myself. I have other problems now. It prolly stems from your childhood. I was similar as a kid, attempted many times at very young ages. I don't want to make any assumptions but I strongly suggest you take a look at your upbringing. You're not alone. Other people feel that way, don't think it's just you. You are not wrong, you are not a bad person. That feeling isn't a bad thing, it's most likely just misguided. Think about the amount of people that treat others terribly in the world and think nothing of it, just pure careless arrogance. The consideration of your morality, although misguided, is more empathetic than so many people. People ignorantly hurt people on a daily basis, ignore what they've done, and continue to move as flawed. This isn't to say compare yourself as this presents another series of problems but to consider the value of these feelings. Be safe and take care of yourself.

 

[sadlittleman32]

thank you for posting this I can definitely relate 100 percent…recently every time I hear about someone ctb on this forum or even on the news(jumping off a bridge or in front of a train) I get so jealous of that person, but at the same time I'm very happy for them..the only thing that has gotten me out of bed every morning or made me the slightest bit happy for the last few years is the thought that I'm one day closer to ending it all!

 

[peope_dont_change]

thank you for posting this I can definitely relate 100 percent…recently every time I hear about someone ctb on this forum or even on the news(jumping off a bridge or in front of a train) I get so jealous of that person, but at the same time I'm very happy for them..the only thing that has gotten me out of bed every morning or made me the slightest bit happy for the last few years is the thought that I'm one day closer to ending it all!

I can relate to the jealously. Life seems so unfair, dragging myself everyday.

 

[ConstantPain]

I feel exactly the same way too. I've never understood why people want to live and have tried therapy, medication, 2 inpatient stays. None of it has changed my opinion, only made things barely tolerable enough to stay alive. Then my husband screams at me and I want to ctb so desperately but don't have a good method. I feel that same bit of jealousy when someone is successful or even overdoses. I always think well at least they're at peace now.

 

[Davey40210]

I can relate to that so much.. this feeling there is something wrong with me. And to ruin everything when it goes well.