Venting It keeps getting worse

[EnderAxe]

I am so tried I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is getting better even though im supposedly getting the "help" i need it just keeps getting worse and i'm so tried. I go to a therapist and I take meds but she doesn't help me at all she just makes me realize how pathetic I am and everything around me is. My friends don't really care about me and she made me realize that even more lol none of my friends care about me on the surface it looks like I have loads of friends but when it comes down to it I am alone completly alone, none of them really care about me im just here for their problems, when something is going on in THIER life i am here but none of them check up on me or even text me first or anything like that i just keep running after them trying to meet up or start conversations with them but they always fall flat idk I got used to always being everyones therapist but it's getting harder and harder everyday and the lonliness really gets to me and I'm just so tried of not really having any friends. Im on meds but they don't do shit to help me I feel the exact same as I did before. The past few months have been really hard I've got attached to this one really toxic girl and she dragged me through hell for nothing. I've spent months listening to her insult me, yell at me for the most foolish reasons, spent months having panic attacks over her, crying and shaking in the school bathroom, cutting and everything all because she was jealous I had other friends I hung out with when she spent a MONTH in france, she made me feel guilty and bad just for living and not being her object and the things she said and the way she acted stuck around even now and it transferred into relationships I have now where the smallest thing going wrong makes me immediately panic and think the relationship is over. The worst part is that a few months later she wanted to talk to me and she told me that none of it was my fault and it's the same with almost every relationship that's toxic it turns out I'm just too nice and everyone steps on me and uses me for their character development and when they don't need me anymore they leave me scrambling to pick myself up while they're fine and it makes me so angry cause nothing is my fault. My therapist tells me that the reason that i'm like this, im such a people pleaser is because of my family and it makes me even more miserable. I don't know how to fix it and the only advice she gives me is to "suck it up" but i dont know how. I'm so tried of everything being treated like nothing by everyone around me, even my own family. my own fucking family constantly threatens me to beat me up and shit idk I hate everything and my therapist says I won't get better unless my family changes and I have to talk to them and try to fix things but i am so fucking tired of constantly being the only one that runs after people and fights for them, trying to fix our relationships but everyone has me so far up their ass they don't care about anything. I don't have time to heal from the old shit since new disasters keep showing up. And adding to it all i'm transgender and I think this is the main reason i want to ctb. In my country it's really hard to get the help you need for this typa shit and no one understands how much it hurts me?? I'm trying, i'm doing everything I can to pass to be a man but no one cares no one treats me like one and I just can't understand why like i talk to people in masculine terms and then they turn around and go "miss" it hurts so much I can't do anything else to pass and i'm just so tired. Im constantly in fear of someone beating me up for this, im so tried of my mood being instantly ruined by being misgendered I can't take it anymore and its happening more and more often even though I do everything i can to be more masculine but nothing works.. I have a girlfriend and im so ashamed to go out in public with her because I'm not like the other guys, people sometimes think that she's a lesbian because of me and even though she says she doesn't mind it I feel like she's secretly ashamed of me. I think she only puts up with me because she doesn't have any other friends. My own family doesn't even see me as thier son even though it's been two years since i came out they try to hide me from the rest of the family when they come over because "I'll ruin the evening" if they find out. My mom calls me her son but then when she talks to the neighbors about me she misgenders me constantly and they make remarks about me being a woman. Once my neighbor thought I was a boy and she corrected her and now she thinks im a girl. I'm just so tired of living like this i'm so tired of feeling like a burden to everyone around me im so tired not having any male friends cause they don't see me as one of them. I'm so tired I lost my childhood and my teen years are also gone. I'm trying harder than before but it just keeps getting worse. I hate myself and I hate that I broke many promises to myself mainly i started smoking and drinking and im addicted to it even though i promised myself i'd never fall into it. I just keep thinking it'd be better for everyone if i just ctb. idk im sorry if this whole thing is very incoherent I just wanted to get everything out and im not in the mindset to make coherent sentences.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @EnderAxe,
I wish I could tell you that you are not alone.
But you seems to be tormented by the whole ball of wax
And people around you seems have a heart of stone.

Please know that somebody is praying for you.
Yes we are just people on the internet, but our care is true.
And we won't judge you because we know that it's your choice.
Here you have a voice.

I wish you the best - this is my prayer for you

 

[cgrtt.brns]

man it almost feels like im reading something i wrote myself three years ago. i was in a very similar situation to you, some of the things i still deal with. the part about your family misgendering you was exactly what i experienced too, right down to my neighbour thinking i was male and then my mum "correcting" them. all i can say is you are not alone in feeling this way. i genuinely believed it would never get better for me, but it actually has, and i truly believe it will for you as well. if you need someone to talk to or ask questions im here almost every day and id be more than happy to help, even if you just need someone to chat about random shit with. <3

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Once my neighbor thought I was a boy and she corrected her and now she thinks im a girl.

You've fought tooth and nail,
You've withstood relentless attacks.
Now we know you are male,
You are our hero with a mighty axe.

I'm not a trans and don't have first-hand experience, but my trans friend have said "misgendering is a pure torture." She said the situation you described is particularly excruciating - the situation in which somebody discloses her assigned gender at birth to people who don't know she is trans.

I can't help but pray - please stop this torture

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've been through, it's just horrible how in this world humans just create even more suffering and make existing even more unbearable, you certainly cannot trust and rely on other people. That therapist sounds so insensitive, but anyway people like that just want to profit from people's suffering. But I wish you the best, it's such a cruel world we exist in where people suffer all through no fault of their own.