It Is Never Getting Better

[spøgelse]

As one can see I have been registered here for three years. Lurking for even longer than that and I go months without logging in and just lurking.

I have pursued continuing life for so long because I just wanted it to get better. I don't want to die I just wanted to be happy. Maybe if I try X or Y I'll be happy... Once I achieve X...

And I did! All the stones in my life are pretty much in place.

And I feel the same way I did before. I don't know why I've stuck around for so long as in the end it has all been futile. I've suffered more for the sake of waiting for it to get better. It hasn't. I am in a hundred times better situation, and it feels like I never left it.

I have friends, good friends. Family. A proper job offer. I'm even getting on meds for my (severe) ADHD soon. And it's still not better. Not one bit. I feel the exact same way I did before.

I'm going to see how I feel when I'm medicated and then... I dunno. I doubt it'll be any different.

 

[imontheloose]

Some of us just weren't meant to be born and nothing will rectify that fundamental violation.

 

[Gomomon]

Same boat friend, getting medicated for my ADHD soon, I've attempted when I was in a worse place and was told I would have a "come to Jesus" moment after but....everything kinda just felt exactly the same after. I think your reality doesn't just automatically shift in a better place unless you frame your life differently in your head. I think continuing to try X,Y,Z will help improve your life even if it doesn't feel like it gets you anywhere over and over, eventually something will hit, some type of medication will work differently, and the way in which you frame your mind like for example never saying "never" yk, just somehow might change things along the road. Fake a smile until it happens and you wont even realize your not faking it anymore. But in all fairness, im doing the same things your doing and so far even tho im in a better place im still in the exact same headspace. It takes a lot of work, and im not sure itll get better, it hasnt for me quite yet. Don't give up until its your last resort, its harder for us.

Some of us just weren't meant to be born and nothing will rectify that fundamental violation.

We werent made for this type of society, but we had our uses in caveman times, quick reaction time no need for long term memory. Nowadays, it's actively making our lives worse....

 

[sourcherry]

people have told me life is gonna continue to suck - its up to you to build a tolerance to what youre uncomfortable with (like resist crashing out over it).

and that also sucks.

 

[spøgelse]

Same boat friend, getting medicated for my ADHD soon, I've attempted when I was in a worse place and was told I would have a "come to Jesus" moment after but....everything kinda just felt exactly the same after. I think your reality doesn't just automatically shift in a better place unless you frame your life differently in your head. I think continuing to try X,Y,Z will help improve your life even if it doesn't feel like it gets you anywhere over and over, eventually something will hit, some type of medication will work differently, and the way in which you frame your mind like for example never saying "never" yk, just somehow might change things along the road. Fake a smile until it happens and you wont even realize your not faking it anymore. But in all fairness, im doing the same things your doing and so far even tho im in a better place im still in the exact same headspace. It takes a lot of work, and im not sure itll get better, it hasnt for me quite yet. Don't give up until its your last resort, its harder for us.

We werent made for this type of society, but we had our uses in caveman times, quick reaction time no need for long term memory. Nowadays, it's actively making our lives worse....

I still remember mine clearly. Threw up the morning after, then got ready as usual and was off to school as if nothing happened.

I have nothing to do or try. I wouldn't be here if I did. If it was always a 'never' for me, I wouldn't have tried anything either. I would have vegetated in bed like I did when I was younger.

I am successful. I do things every day, all the time. No one I know knows I'm one bad week away from being 6 feet under. I smile. I laugh. I make jokes. I probably will wind up in med school and then become some sort of doctor and just slug around all day, go home, do the same thing the next day...

Even in an infinite world where I could do whatever I want, go on as many vacations as I want, eat without gaining any weight, etc. I'd still be unhappy.

 

[imontheloose]

We werent made for this type of society, but we had our uses in caveman times, quick reaction time no need for long term memory. Nowadays, it's actively making our lives worse....

Yes, of course. The human species was meant to hunt, gather, and look for mates upon the African plane; our brains were never meant to reason the profundities of the universe. Evolution granting the human species sentience was beyond cruel for a kind so simple.

 

[spøgelse]

people have told me life is gonna continue to suck - its up to you to build a tolerance to what youre uncomfortable with (like resist crashing out over it).

and that also sucks.

I think I just can't tolerate life itself. I've been able to handle everything that's thrown at me besides living.

I've been like this since I was like... nine or ten? So for at least a decade now.

Maybe if someone tried to help me instead of denying it when it all started I wouldn't have gotten this bad. Maybe if my parents allowed me to take medication like the psychiatrist I saw when I was eight suggested I would be different.

I think my brain just doesn't know anything else now. Even with hours upon hours on therapy it hasn't changed.