Venting It is a cruel joke to wake up from an attempt that should have killed you

[cracklingroses]

It was the cruelest awakening of my life waking up with those tubes down my throat several days later. All I remember was fading into complete darkness. My vision started to sparkle of tiny speckles of angels/light and then I wake up here with things to only get worse and worse every day I continue to live.

It was the biggest slap in the face from the universe I have ever received.

Now I am having a hard time trying again with the fear of not completing it again.

I hate this fucking reality. I tried to heal myself spiritually with psychedelics. All I know is that if I am the source of all existence/non-existence, then why don't I have more control?

It's getting really hard to talk myself out of suicide day in and day out. The days feel like eternity since I am addicted to dissociative drugs. I have tried so hard to get into rehab but I have no help or support getting into rehab.

With being transgender, finding help in a place that is actually safe and where I am not bullied/harassed/manipulated by the staff and other clients is impossible in the state I live in.

Plus I am terrified of people in general. I know I am a target for psychic programming throughout the psychiatric system, so any time I try to get help, it is just a trap to set me up and experiment on me with copious amounts of psychotropic drugs, ECT, and unethical "therapies".

I don't know how to break the simulation. It seems my awareness isn't enough. I don't understand. It never ends. Did something go wrong? Did I get trapped?

 

[divinemistress36]

Im sorry you are through this Op . I feel like we are in a simulation to

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It sounds absolutely horrible. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be free from all the suffering, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I find it dreadful how existing can easily get worse. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Scythe]

Been there too, didn't wake up strapped to a hospital bed, but was a fucking disappointment nonetheless.

Not sure if the professionals would let you do this, but I promised myself to refuse to answer to anyone attempting to give me therapy by repeating something similar to "Due to personal policies I am unable to engage." Thankfully, I never had to see a professional.

SS is a pretty safe trans space overall though, about as good as u're gonna get on a public forum. There's a few weirdos but the mods are pretty strict with hate speech. The discord servers I've been in have all been chill too but I heard there's plenty psychos on discord.

 

[tartvinegar]

I'm really scared of this too, waking up from a failed attempt

 

[slowdance]

I'm sorry you're going through this. That sounds like a really scary thing to endure. I hope you can soon find peace