It hurts!

[Eden2k]

I'm hurting so bad.

I'm exhausted. Everything is too much effect, including breathing.

Watched my 7-year old cousin perform in his first school play (Xmas nativity) yesterday. It was amazing.
But all I could think about, for the most part, was that I wouldn't see his next, help him with his homework, watch him grow into the incredible man I know he will become.

I haven't broke down in years, but right now, the tears are streaming down my face.

Received a voice message yesterday, from my psych's secretary. Asked to phone them back. By the time I phoned them it was after 1pm. The secretary said the psych wanted me to see her at 1pm that day, but because it was already after 1pm, could I know attend on Monday. I asked why, and was told that my GP (general doctor) had sent psych an email, stating that I wasn't taking my meds.

I hate being rushed, but feel now like wtf.

I can't have them come out to me because my family think that I'm fine and I don't discuss anything personal or of any great depth, with any of them, including my friends. Keep my cards close to my heart.

I hate feeling like I'm not in control, but now I'm losing it and can't afford for the control to be taken out of my hands.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, Eden2k. It sounds like you're in an awfully dark hole.

How someone decided that stripping a suicidal person of their agency would improve their situation is beyond me.

 

[TAW122]

This really sucks, and I wished there was some advice I could give, but I don't know any except maybe try not to tell everything and only tell a small part or whatever is necessary but no more than that.

I'm so sorry, Eden2k. It sounds like you're in an awfully dark hole.

How someone decided that stripping a suicidal person of their agency would improve their situation is beyond me.

I think it's the fucked up pro-life mentality that automatically presumes someone who is suicidal is not in their right mind and that guilt, shame, and coercion will 'cure' them. It's messed up and pro-lifers do more harm than good in most cases.

 

[azucaramargo]

O

I'm hurting so bad.

I'm exhausted. Everything is too much effect, including breathing.

Watched my 7-year old cousin perform in his first school play (Xmas nativity) yesterday. It was amazing.
But all I could think about, for the most part, was that I wouldn't see his next, help him with his homework, watch him grow into the incredible man I know he will become.

I haven't broke down in years, but right now, the tears are streaming down my face.

Received a voice message yesterday, from my psych's secretary. Asked to phone them back. By the time I phoned them it was after 1pm. The secretary said the psych wanted me to see her at 1pm that day, but because it was already after 1pm, could I know attend on Monday. I asked why, and was told that my GP (general doctor) had sent psych an email, stating that I wasn't taking my meds.

I hate being rushed, but feel now like wtf.

I can't have them come out to me because my family think that I'm fine and I don't discuss anything personal or of any great depth, with any of them, including my friends. Keep my cards close to my heart.

I hate feeling like I'm not in control, but now I'm losing it and can't afford for the control to be taken out of my hands.

Oh Eden2k, I so admire your being able to conceal your psychiatric issues from your family. My family would LOVE it if I were like you. How brave of you to pursue help without your family's support. I don't understand why you feel rushed. Rushed to do what? I have trouble taking ( and obtaining) my psych meds, too. It really affects us if we get off them, though. I'm working with my therapist just on regularly taking my meds: that would be progress for me. Going off meds is very difficult for our psyche. Hope you are doing better. This time of year is really difficult, I know. When I first started reading what you wrote about watching your young cousin's play, I thought you were going to write that you felt jealous of him because he is so young, and you wished you could rewind your life back to that point. Anyway, that's how I feel when I see young people. Why can't you stay alive for your young cousin? He needs you. Doesn't it feel great to be needed? I would love that.

 

[Eden2k]

I love all my baby cousins and I'm especially close to three in particular, as their mother, my aunty, is only 10-months older than me and we have been close since birth.

Although we are close, I could never allow her to see the real me. The me that is constantly distressed, due to the four voices in my head, the me that always feels suicidal and resents loving them as much as I do, because I've stayed alive as long as I have because of them and only them.

I'm exhausted for pretending to be "normal" for everyone else's benefit. In the past, when I started suffering from mental health symptoms, and couldn't hide it, I put those I love through a lot, by always worrying about me, that I would take my own life. Several years ago, a mental health worker said to me, that if I could see myself when I'm unwell, I would see what everyone else sees. That always stuck with me and I eventually learnt to put on a "mask" when I was at my worst. But because of this I'm just mentally exhausted all the time. I'm just sick of it all.

My cousins are my world. My aunty and her former partner, always tell me that they don't raise their 3-children alone, as I'm another parent to them. It breaks my heart.