it hurts to see others happy

[daisyrandone]

i feel like i can't even bring myself to leave the house anymore. it's painful to see people living with the ability to really enjoy something, to the point where it's unbearable. i know it's truly terrible to say something so selfish, but when i see a stranger or even a friend with a smile on their face, i'm thinking, "that should have been me."
i have nothing going for me. was alive for the time being because i didn't want to burden my family even further with what would happen after my death. i'm beginning to think it just doesn't matter.
i swear i'm not angry with anyone, but everything i've gone through just feels so unfair and i end up crying and wondering why it seems like none of the people around me have to experience this.
i feel so far away.

 

[steppenwolf]

'O, beware my lord of jealousy. It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.'
William Shakespeare, Othello Act III Scene 3 (1603)

Life is generally unfair for most people a lot of the time, but not always. You're not the only one to have noticed. And people who appear happy are only making the most of a passing moment of good fortune, and otherwise experience life's unfairness abundantly, they just don't share it as you have done, usually because they're afraid of appearing vulnerable.

But if people are only appearing excessively gay (in the old-fashioned sense of the word) in order to deliberately make you feel miserable, then they're not really happy, they're just trying to make you as miserable as they privately are themselves.

Either way, you're not really missing out on anything that was ever going to happen for you.

Personally, I almost never go out and haven't done for many years. The last time I went out was about 15 years ago when a girl pointed out some other girl in a bar and asked me: 'Are you her dad?' To which I replied, after looking her up and down: 'Yeah, probably.' Then I went straight home and stayed there ever since.

I privately exult in my pain, and in my conviction that I will endure it alone to the end of life and never share it, and derive some small personal amusement from every awkward human interaction, where a prolonged tight hug that never dares to happen might have fixed everything.

 

[Zaphkiel]

I get how you feel.
It's super hard looking at yourself after seeing how the others can be.

 

[Final_Freedom]

Yeah it feels so bad, I go through the city and just begin to cry when I'm home, so many people walking alone and smiling, so many young couples my age kissing each other...and I am still the same worthless freak every day forever