Venting It hurts so much that I have to CTB.

[toolateforme]

I wish I could at least be given the opportunity to do it peacefully - where I simply say goodbye to my friends and family, and someone else gives me the injection. Rather than my parents having to stumble upon their dead daughter with cornhole bags & a tree ratchet around her neck. I wish I didn't have to do it alone, and I wish I didn't have to make them suffer.

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the person I could have been. I wasn't concrete on a direction in life, but I know I just wanted to help people. I didn't know how, but I just wanted to help people in some way and make a difference in the world, but I won't even be able to do that. I'd just begun to make serious improvements on myself as a human being but the opportunity to see these changes have an effect on others has already been robbed from me, because of me.

Just when I thought I'd finally be able to find happiness and fulfillment, it's been taken away. Just when I thought I'd be able to make a difference in the world, it's been taken away. Just when I thought I'd finally be able to give back to my friends and family in a meaningful way, that's been taken away, too.

Even when I had the best of intentions, it never mattered, even when I didn't realize it yet. No motivation, discipline, or willpower will save me. Nothing will. Even if I believed in a god, I'd die knowing I was rejected by them, too.

Instead, I have to CTB and leave everyone I've ever known knowing they've wasted their time with me. I'll be hurting everyone around me without the chance of even giving back to them in any way before I do it. My entire life was quite literally a waste of time and resources for myself and everyone that has ever associated with me in some way.

I think to myself, why me? I could have been one of the billions of other human beings that never had a life like mine. I've often told myself that I don't want to live in a world where things like this can occur. I didn't want to have kids for that reason, as much as I wanted to raise a better human being than I am (as you can never guarantee protection from outside circumstances). But at the same time, I kept pushing myself to live in spite of these things, because I wanted to try and better a world where things like this could happen - I thought I'd finally found a reason to live. But now I can't even do that. There is literally nothing I can do to contribute to the world that fucked me up. I think that's what hurts the most. That, and I'll never be able to see myself become the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm mourning the loss of a self. I'm a walking corpse at this point. The last thing to do is end my suffering and displace it to others, making my existence even more of a failure.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Hugs, sorry.

 

[toolateforme]

I just wish I could at least not be alone when doing it. That by itself feels like getting kicked while down - I thought I'd finally found the opportunity to work on what I really needed to stop being alone (thought I'd finally discovered how exactly I can effectively work on my social anxiety and my tendencies towards being a recluse). Even if I can't say goodbye to friends and family, I could at least be given the opportunity to not have to do it alone, but I can't even have that.

 

[Alan James]

I wish I could at least be given the opportunity to do it peacefully - where I simply say goodbye to my friends and family, and someone else gives me the injection. Rather than my parents having to stumble upon their dead daughter with cornhole bags & a tree ratchet around her neck. I wish I didn't have to do it alone, and I wish I didn't have to make them suffer.

What is most unpleasant is that this is all easily achievable if this society and this whole world system were not so disgusting, uncivilized, enslaved, degraded. It would be so natural and logical: the one who does not want to live for any reason goes and pays money, he is asked about how voluntarily and finally his decision, then he peacefully, painlessly dies. This is the way it should be. These clowns could get money for euthanasia from me, and in any case I would die for no one paying anyone, is money all that they are interested in in this world? It seems they want to feel the power and suffering of the weak and the sick - they get pleasure from it. This society is so disgusting that I do not want to live in it anyway and anywhere (even very rich, in ideal house, very healthy, having a perfect body, and so on)

 

[toolateforme]

What is most unpleasant is that this is all easily achievable if this society and this whole world system were not so disgusting, uncivilized, enslaved, degraded. It would be so natural and logical: the one who does not want to live for any reason goes and pays money, he is asked about how voluntarily and finally his decision, then he peacefully, painlessly dies. This is the way it should be. These clowns could get money for euthanasia from me, and in any case I would die for no one paying anyone, is money all that they are interested in in this world? It seems they want to feel the power and suffering of the weak and the sick - they get pleasure from it. This society is so disgusting that I do not want to live in it anyway and anywhere (even very rich, in ideal house, very healthy, having a perfect body, and so on)

I was thinking of this, too, and it makes me even sadder. I couldn't even afford the time nor money to apply for Dignitas in Switzerland. I wish I could at least stick around so I make things like this better - if I had a chance at being alive, maybe one of the things I'd do is foster rights for the suicidal. Make euthanasia & assisted suicide more easily accessible. That would definitely be fulfilling, because I'd know I'd keep others like me from going through the same thing.

 

[dandan]

its a shame
we could have given loads of brightness and brought pleasure to this world
but in reality I didn't
my existance is not brilliant or wonderful
it could've been
but it wasn't
what a shame....
should I kill myself this week? why do I want Dignitas or Switzerland... N is enough, but its not easy to drink up

 

[ZomGuy]

@toolateforme I'm sorry. Please don't blame yourself. There are many factors deciding what decisions we are going to make, so it's very easy to end up in situations we never wanted. If anyone or anything is to blame, than it's life itself for being absolute nonsense.

 

[Ruffian]

This sounds exactly like the story of my life. It's been a neverending cycle of hope, thinking things will change, freaking out and dying inside when the don't and I slip down a little further than where I was before. Then I'm afraid to get any kind of help because it never works. I want to live but can't find a way. I'm so afraid to ctb, but I just can't find any other options. I don't want to be a burden to my friends and family. I hate life so so much every day and just can't find a way to keep going. I'm running out of money and any kind of opportunity to make it better. As soon as I fix one problem another one pops up. There's a high speed train near me that I could jump in front of, but I can't work up the courage.

 

[toolateforme]

This quote has probably been posted a million times on this forum, but here:

"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." - David Foster Wallace

Right now I can't decide whether I want to burn alive or just jump to my death. Both seem equally close. If I burn alive I'll survive but I'll be extremely scarred. Will I be okay with that? I don't know.

 

[601424]

I feel the same way, my parents know that I have a lot of potential and they really believe in my future but live just isn't worth living for me so if they find me dead it will be a tragedy for them, they have invested so much into my happiness/wellbeing and it will be all for naught when I CBT but that isn't going to stop me it just makes me sad

 

[Bandzbandz]

This quote has probably been posted a million times on this forum, but here:

"The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling." - David Foster Wallace

Right now I can't decide whether I want to burn alive or just jump to my death. Both seem equally close. If I burn alive I'll survive but I'll be extremely scarred. Will I be okay with that? I don't know.

I've never related to anything more than the post that I just read. This is true. I've been trying to CTB for almost a year now and I had put it off until I was able to pay off my personal debts. Now the debts have been settled. My heart hurts. I've changed but into a monster. For me, there is no changing back.

 

[toolateforme]

I've never related to anything more than the post that I just read. This is true. I've been trying to CTB for almost a year now and I had put it off until I was able to pay off my personal debts. Now the debts have been settled. My heart hurts. I've changed but into a monster. For me, there is no changing back.

Oh my gosh this is another concern of mine. I don't even know if I'll be able to settle my debts in time. This is so scary.

 

[dandan]

its ridiculous,
on the weekend I "lost" my United States VISA (im from Mexico)
I was worried because I had just re-issued it, it was lost
I was worried
and now I want to die, I worried for a damm VISA... fuck
only my mom sadness is keeping me alive

 

[Purgatory]

I wish I could at least be given the opportunity to do it peacefully - where I simply say goodbye to my friends and family, and someone else gives me the injection. Rather than my parents having to stumble upon their dead daughter with cornhole bags & a tree ratchet around her neck. I wish I didn't have to do it alone, and I wish I didn't have to make them suffer.

I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the person I could have been. I wasn't concrete on a direction in life, but I know I just wanted to help people. I didn't know how, but I just wanted to help people in some way and make a difference in the world, but I won't even be able to do that. I'd just begun to make serious improvements on myself as a human being but the opportunity to see these changes have an effect on others has already been robbed from me, because of me.

Just when I thought I'd finally be able to find happiness and fulfillment, it's been taken away. Just when I thought I'd be able to make a difference in the world, it's been taken away. Just when I thought I'd finally be able to give back to my friends and family in a meaningful way, that's been taken away, too.

Even when I had the best of intentions, it never mattered, even when I didn't realize it yet. No motivation, discipline, or willpower will save me. Nothing will. Even if I believed in a god, I'd die knowing I was rejected by them, too.

Instead, I have to CTB and leave everyone I've ever known knowing they've wasted their time with me. I'll be hurting everyone around me without the chance of even giving back to them in any way before I do it. My entire life was quite literally a waste of time and resources for myself and everyone that has ever associated with me in some way.

I think to myself, why me? I could have been one of the billions of other human beings that never had a life like mine. I've often told myself that I don't want to live in a world where things like this can occur. I didn't want to have kids for that reason, as much as I wanted to raise a better human being than I am (as you can never guarantee protection from outside circumstances). But at the same time, I kept pushing myself to live in spite of these things, because I wanted to try and better a world where things like this could happen - I thought I'd finally found a reason to live. But now I can't even do that. There is literally nothing I can do to contribute to the world that fucked me up. I think that's what hurts the most. That, and I'll never be able to see myself become the person I've always wanted to be.

I'm mourning the loss of a self. I'm a walking corpse at this point. The last thing to do is end my suffering and displace it to others, making my existence even more of a failure.

Corn hole bags. That spoke volumes to me. About where you live (general, not exazct) and how you plan to use them.

I am very sorry you found yourself in this position. Every time I get up, I knock myself down. I totally get how you feel.

Good luck. We are here for you if you need to talk.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I've often told myself that I don't want to live in a world where things like this can occur.

I often feel exactly like that, about the negative things that have happened in my life but also just looking around at how much shit happens to people. It's hard. You sound like a good person, if there's anything that could remedy this, I hope that it happens.

 

[JadedGray]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Many on here are mourning the loss of what could have been. I too, know the pain of being a recluse and the feeling of life having been a waste of time and resources. Hopefully you find peace soon.

 

[Ruffian]

I feel the same way, my parents know that I have a lot of potential and they really believe in my future but live just isn't worth living for me so if they find me dead it will be a tragedy for them, they have invested so much into my happiness/wellbeing and it will be all for naught when I CBT but that isn't going to stop me it just makes me sad

I know. It's hard disappointing your parents. I can't decide if it's worse to just keep disappointing them or to ctb, let them grieve, and be done with it. They're just so old and it's just been one disappointment for me after another. I don't want to tell them I fucked up again, even more since when I joined here. It was bad then, but now I fucked up so bad from last 2 attempts. Now I have even more problems, problems I never want them to know about. I keep going back and forth about what I should do.