It finally arrived. Excited.

[Dying Failure]

My SN arrived from my new vendor today. And this just makes it worth every minute of me leaving this horrible world. All these negative things that have happened to me within the last 5 years have just set me over the top to end my life like my brother did. I knew I didn't want to go out like he did so I chose this way. Very soon I will be with my mother my father my grandparents my uncle and my brother again. I feel horrible leaving my children like this but they have to understand that I'm tired and it's nothing they have ever done or will do in life for the reason of why I am doing what I am doing. I have written them letters and will be giving them to the lawyer I have assigned to do my will. Once my death happens, then the lawyer will give my children the letters, set up the trusts for my children and make sure at appropriate ages they will get the money and possessions I have left them. I haven't been on this site very long but all I want is peace and at this point I am my own demon and these thoughts will not subside. So this is my choice and nothing anyone can do or say can change it at this point. In the words of juice world "I tried to be everything I can but sometimes I come out as being nothing; I'm always fucking up and wrecking shit it seems like I've perfected it."

 

[lifeORdeath]

That's sad. Hopefully they won't be so distraught they want to ctb too if they don't already.

 

[Dying Failure]

That's sad. Hopefully they won't be so distraught they want to ctb too if they don't already.

I agree they were the reason I held on for so long but I just cannot do it anymore. It's just been one bad thing after another in my life and I'm just tired and want to sleep forever at this point. These letters will hopefully give them the peace they need and they will know I always love them.

 

[lifeORdeath]

I understand I am similar situation and the boat feels like it is rocking. I am afraid that if it tips anymore, then i am jumping out of life due to panic and depression from the fallout.

I too am afraid of how it will effect mine, but I'd rather them have a good chance at a life with someone else if things get bad for me. I wouldn't want myself to be around, and for them to be stuck with me if I lose it wonder why. I hope things don't get bad but I'd they do I will blame myself and I hope they will too and don't blame themselves for any of it.

I hope you find a way to get thru this. But also have empathy for your situation and feelings of the worst.

 

[Dying Failure]

I understand I am similar situation and the boat feels like it is rocking. I am afraid that if it tips anymore, then i am jumping out of life due to panic and depression from the fallout.

I too am afraid of how it will effect mine, but I'd rather them have a good chance at a life with someone else if things get bad for me. I wouldn't want myself to be around, and for them to be stuck with me if I lose it wonder why. I hope things don't get bad but I'd they do I will blame myself and I hope they will too and don't blame themselves for any of it.

I hope you find a way to get thru this. But also have empathy for your situation and feelings of the worst.

I hope my children never blame themselves for the decision I am making, hence the letters I wrote each of them individually and then wrote one for all of them. I needed them to know how I felt for each one and how I felt when each one of them were born and how I love and care for them. Which hopefully they take this to heart and don't do what I am doing. I cannot control them but encourage them to fulfill their lives with happiness and never have to endure all of the heartache and trauma I have had to suffer. I am sorry you are going through a similar situation and I hope you find the peace you are looking for my friend.

 

[botch3d]

How did your brother go if I may ask ?

 

[Dying Failure]

How did your brother go if I may ask ?

Suicide by gun.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's understandable as to why you would feel so relieved at having the SN. Existing can certainly be very painful and your wish to leave it all behind is understandable. It really can be dreadful having to endure a life that is just endless suffering. I wish you freedom for when the time is right.

 

[makethepainstop]

Why I finally got my SN,(after three attempts to acquire some), I was positively ecstatic,! So I can appreciate your joy and delight. Much love to you and all here.

 

[ThereIsNoJustice]

Encouraging to hear about successful deliveries still happening. Please PM me your SN Source info if in the USA. Thanks in advance for that.

 

[Lonerzepam]

My SN arrived from my new vendor today. And this just makes it worth every minute of me leaving this horrible world. All these negative things that have happened to me within the last 5 years have just set me over the top to end my life like my brother did. I knew I didn't want to go out like he did so I chose this way. Very soon I will be with my mother my father my grandparents my uncle and my brother again. I feel horrible leaving my children like this but they have to understand that I'm tired and it's nothing they have ever done or will do in life for the reason of why I am doing what I am doing. I have written them letters and will be giving them to the lawyer I have assigned to do my will. Once my death happens, then the lawyer will give my children the letters, set up the trusts for my children and make sure at appropriate ages they will get the money and possessions I have left them. I haven't been on this site very long but all I want is peace and at this point I am my own demon and these thoughts will not subside. So this is my choice and nothing anyone can do or say can change it at this point. In the words of juice world "I tried to be everything I can but sometimes I come out as being nothing; I'm always fucking up and wrecking shit it seems like I've perfected it."

Juice world also said "what's the 27 club we ain't making it past 21" I turned 22 on the 14th october. I'd never thought I would make it till 22 tbh. But nonetheless I guess I'm gonna join the 21 club soon too. 22 and 20 still counts haha