sillyprincessmeow
Member
- Jul 21, 2022
- 35
so last night i did attempt anf it failed again. i have tried this like 20 times (few different ways) in the past 7 years. of course over time i gained access to things to make it easier but clearly not easier enough. it was tied around my neck and i had tied it around my closet bar like i had suggested. i knelt and i started feeling really upset. i closed my eyes for most of the time but by the time i was actually starting to feel like i was passing out i started panicking and trying to remove it. i dont understand why i panicked. i wanted it so bad. i dont understand as to why i can never actually do it. i was so distraught i just slept on my floor. it was cold but fuck i was and am so exhausted. my boyfriend has texted me at 5:27 am. i texted him around 4:00 saying things like "i just wanted love. why couldn't you be good?" and he had blown my phone up (another 10 msgs) saying he was worried and was asking if i was okay. he only started calling (one missed call again lmfao.) and when i picked up he was half asleep asking if i was okay. i was still upset with him so i barely answered his questions. i had gotten three hours of sleep and was so irritated with him.
someone said (i cant remember who, im so sorry istg im dealing with real brain damage becasue of his narcissistic abuse.) that he only cares when he thinks im dying or something like that and i honestly agree. but even then, my last attempt he didnt care. im just confused. im on call w him rn, hes acting like everything is fine. he doesnt know of my attempt. i dont know what to do anymore. since im living off of three hours i decided to start writting a book, vaguely regarding of the terrifying thoughts i have (deciding to do something kind of cool in the final however long is left. 5 years max. hopefully 1 year though. gonna try and find connections). i read it to hi and he said it was impressive which is cool i guess.
i dont know.
someone said hanging could end up badly, i know that, i dont wanna be paralyzed. i think ill wait until i can buy a gun. i think thats for the best too, so i can finally move to where i dream (Minnesota, beautiful place, i was born there) and die in a place where it all began. ending it in the forest under the stars sounds like a good way to go. even if i cant get there, i will find a beautiful place where i live.
i realise that after everyones replies.
i hope no one is mad that it failed... when i confide in others about these they get angry with me and act like im horrible. i hope that doesnt happen here.
im so thankful for all of you though, you understand me.
if anything you all could be a reason i keep going. just the pure kindness is enough. even if it only keeps me here long enough to achieve that method.
thank you.
sorry for all the spelling errors as well. im not bothered enough to fix the few there are. and sorry if this is all over the place.
someone said (i cant remember who, im so sorry istg im dealing with real brain damage becasue of his narcissistic abuse.) that he only cares when he thinks im dying or something like that and i honestly agree. but even then, my last attempt he didnt care. im just confused. im on call w him rn, hes acting like everything is fine. he doesnt know of my attempt. i dont know what to do anymore. since im living off of three hours i decided to start writting a book, vaguely regarding of the terrifying thoughts i have (deciding to do something kind of cool in the final however long is left. 5 years max. hopefully 1 year though. gonna try and find connections). i read it to hi and he said it was impressive which is cool i guess.
i dont know.
someone said hanging could end up badly, i know that, i dont wanna be paralyzed. i think ill wait until i can buy a gun. i think thats for the best too, so i can finally move to where i dream (Minnesota, beautiful place, i was born there) and die in a place where it all began. ending it in the forest under the stars sounds like a good way to go. even if i cant get there, i will find a beautiful place where i live.
i realise that after everyones replies.
i hope no one is mad that it failed... when i confide in others about these they get angry with me and act like im horrible. i hope that doesnt happen here.
im so thankful for all of you though, you understand me.
if anything you all could be a reason i keep going. just the pure kindness is enough. even if it only keeps me here long enough to achieve that method.
thank you.
sorry for all the spelling errors as well. im not bothered enough to fix the few there are. and sorry if this is all over the place.
