AnonymouslyBlue
Member
- Sep 29, 2019
- 57
For quite a while after joining I was on this site almost every day, at least a couple of hours at a time. And then I stopped, I'm not sure what made me stop but I did and for a while there I was proud of myself because I had managed to get myself out of the rut I seemed to be stuck in, I thought I was doing okay - at least okay enough to not come on here and vent about my emotions. I seemed to be doing okay. But I guess that little nagging in the back of your head doesn't really ever go away, does it? It's always there, like a whisper that increases a few decimals every now and then till you can't ignore it. whatever it is, here I am, back on this site and writing another thread that always ends up in a way I don't want it to. For a while there I really truly believed that I was going to be okay after all the shit that I had gone through in the past few years, and I had done it myself! WOOHOO for doing it alone (at least that's how it felt for me) but I guess I was wrong because I find myself back to where it all started, getting lost in my head - panic attacks, random crying spells and extremely dark thoughts that never really go away, just disappear for a while when I get distracted or occupy myself with something that requires thinking.
I also stopped self-harming for a while, after a good few weeks where I did it almost every day I had stopped. Wrong again. Can that be classified as an addiction? There are moments where I'm okay and don't need to have a fix to get through the day but breaking that streak is so god damn easy and when I do, I'm in it. Twice as bad. Which seems to be the case right now. Infuriating is a word that seems to fit how I feel about all of this.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, I end up drowning in the dark for a while and like a light switch being turned on, all those thoughts and emotions turn off in a blink of an eye and I'm okay, actually 100% okay. And then some fucker flicks the switch again and I'm back to the darkness. Drowning. Suffocating. And for what? Shit is bad, sure, but when I do manage to step back and look at it - I've been through so much already, surely it should be the end so why am I here again?
Sometimes I think it's because I'm just weak. I build this facade of me being okay so well that I end up believing it and then as quickly as the fakeness started it stops and I'm back to where I originally was. Sometimes I think it's because I crave the intense feeling, the pain that swallows me whole and the way I can come to forums like this and familiarize with people who understand what it's like to be in that space. You guys seem to be the only one I can talk about that space with without judgement and as nice as it is, it's frustrating because I can't put names and faces to the people who understand my emotions without me having to explain it and yet my friends and family refuse to acknowledge that something is wrong right under their noses. I tell them, they know but they ignore it. What the heck should I do? Have a neon sign pointing in my direction asking for help like Beetlejuice's grave? Flashing and pointing, hard to freaking miss?
I don't really know what I'm trying to get across in this thread. I feel disconnected from reality if that makes sense, floating in a sense where my feet don't touch the ground but my head doesn't reach the clouds either. Does that make sense? I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm back and I hate it, not being here on this page just hate that all those emotions I thought I had smothered for good are back and I'm struggling once again with the question of if I should just screw it all and ignore it once more or continue alone till the idea of CTB appeals to me once more. Like it already has and probably will continue to do so.
Have any of you been there? You thought you were okay but you weren't and you just go back to where you left off?
Maybe that's just me.
This post is a mess so I apologize for that. Having been gone from this for a couple of months really makes it hard to get out the inner chaos of my thoughts into coherent sentences.
I also stopped self-harming for a while, after a good few weeks where I did it almost every day I had stopped. Wrong again. Can that be classified as an addiction? There are moments where I'm okay and don't need to have a fix to get through the day but breaking that streak is so god damn easy and when I do, I'm in it. Twice as bad. Which seems to be the case right now. Infuriating is a word that seems to fit how I feel about all of this.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, I end up drowning in the dark for a while and like a light switch being turned on, all those thoughts and emotions turn off in a blink of an eye and I'm okay, actually 100% okay. And then some fucker flicks the switch again and I'm back to the darkness. Drowning. Suffocating. And for what? Shit is bad, sure, but when I do manage to step back and look at it - I've been through so much already, surely it should be the end so why am I here again?
Sometimes I think it's because I'm just weak. I build this facade of me being okay so well that I end up believing it and then as quickly as the fakeness started it stops and I'm back to where I originally was. Sometimes I think it's because I crave the intense feeling, the pain that swallows me whole and the way I can come to forums like this and familiarize with people who understand what it's like to be in that space. You guys seem to be the only one I can talk about that space with without judgement and as nice as it is, it's frustrating because I can't put names and faces to the people who understand my emotions without me having to explain it and yet my friends and family refuse to acknowledge that something is wrong right under their noses. I tell them, they know but they ignore it. What the heck should I do? Have a neon sign pointing in my direction asking for help like Beetlejuice's grave? Flashing and pointing, hard to freaking miss?
I don't really know what I'm trying to get across in this thread. I feel disconnected from reality if that makes sense, floating in a sense where my feet don't touch the ground but my head doesn't reach the clouds either. Does that make sense? I'm not really sure. All I know is that I'm back and I hate it, not being here on this page just hate that all those emotions I thought I had smothered for good are back and I'm struggling once again with the question of if I should just screw it all and ignore it once more or continue alone till the idea of CTB appeals to me once more. Like it already has and probably will continue to do so.
Have any of you been there? You thought you were okay but you weren't and you just go back to where you left off?
Maybe that's just me.
This post is a mess so I apologize for that. Having been gone from this for a couple of months really makes it hard to get out the inner chaos of my thoughts into coherent sentences.
