It doesn't get better

[liffey]

Seriously considered CTB since more than a year ago and it progressively got worse until June. I thought depression would no longer be a part of my life as I started getting better - but that's just an illusion. My mental health has been declining yet again since last month, and I've been contemplating CTB every day.

Realistically though, it's not an option. If I didn't have to consider the impact on my close ones, I would've been gone long ago. Not considering how I actually feel, my life would be the ideal life for many, and no one irl would really understand it. Pretty ironic how the only reason I'm not dead is because of others and not because I want to live at all.

It's funny how I keep having hope in the few things that would make me happy to actually happen, even though they won't. I somehow still get let down when they unsurprisingly don't. Sometimes, I wish I could just have a "valid" reason to end this never-ending cycle of hope and disappointment once and for all.

 

[PrisonPlanetBreak]

I can relate to the feeling of knowing the things I really wish for, will probably never come true. I won't try to pry into yours, but I understand that. Furthermore, I do sometimes feel like a hypocrite, because from an objective p.o.v., one could say I have a pretty good life. And when I say this, I mean, even compared to someone average, not to a poor soul stuck in a pointless war. I am trying to find the power to write a post about one of the reasons behind my depression.

As for living for others, not yourself, I also get that. Although I have somehow trained myself to become colder. I am not pushing anyone away, but at the same time I am at a point where I don't think I can say to anyone that I love them (be it family, close friends, etc.). Even if they love me back...

Regarding a valid reason to end it, don't downplay your depression. Your depression and reason for CTB is just as valid as mine, and everyone else's on this forum. I could still go peacefully knowing I'd be the first one to go with main reason being X, where you can substitute X for whatever you want. It's harsh, I know. One thought I have way too many times, is that I have a roof over my head, and actual friends that care... why leave. But alas, other people don't have to abide by your reason. It's enough if you think it's valid.