sillyburner
Bong water chugger
- Jul 22, 2023
- 6
2 days ago, I attempted to partially hang. It was going well for a while, I was slowly feeling more and more "floaty." But after that, it didn't progress much. I'm not sure what I did wrong exactly. I was going to take an overdose of acetaminophen as a backup, but I'm too tired and brought down from my failed attempt. I haven't been able to get out of bed all day, I ignored my texts. They know I'm alive though. I was a bit hasty.. I mean, I just wanted to know someone would be there and support me for my attempt. Which did happen, but it feels like all of it was for nothing. I think I'll get hammered with vodka tonight just to make it a bit easier to cope with the failure, I'll try to find other methods to CTB.
To describe what I did exactly:
I got a low hanging rope, when I put my head in I was squatting a bit. I didn't use a chair, I was suspended in the air, leaning forward. I was struggling to breathe a bit, but it didn't make my head pulse. I could only feel that floating feeling. My limbs got a bit tired, and it just didn't go further? I have no idea why. I thought I was doing well. I was using this stretchy aerobatic silks material, it's quite literally the only thing I can get my hands on for personal reasons. Maybe the stretchyness was allowing blood to flow through, I don't know because I'm not a doctor.
I don't want to go through with the chemical products for CTB, like SN or other drug mixing. It seems far too complicated for me and I'll be asked quite a few questions, lol. I need to do this with stuff I already have at home, or something that isn't drug related.
Now regarding the second part of my title; I can't attempt again. It's mostly because of a mental block, but also because that last attempt took quite a bit of energy out of me. I realize now that I still have some affairs to get in order, so I'm actually somewhat grateful it didn't work as I expected. I still have a game or two in my library to beat, some rewrites for personal notes, and account deactivations. It's nothing too important really, and I don't give much care to it. But it's something to do, something to make me feel more encouraged to follow through with CTB.
I can already hear "If you're having doubts, why are you still considering?" I just.. don't like living I suppose? That's a hard question. I don't have anything strong enough to live for. I just feel too detached to live freely and happily, and it's my life and my choice. "Why are we still alive," is what we should be asking. Seriously, other than instinct, what's there to actually live for? Family? They'll be gone in only years. If you don't spend tons of energy establishing your bloodline, you'll be forgotten. Friends? Same thing as I said before. I've learned time and time and time again that friendship is a temporary luxury, and unconditional love doesn't exist. If you abuse a dog, that dog isn't going to love you. If you need to care for something, then that's on you. But it can be a choice to surrender them. There's no reason to exist for me.
Bare in mind that each opinion is mine. This is my rambling post, I don't actually expect anything to come from it really. I'm still here, and I'm going to try again, and that's all that really matters.
To describe what I did exactly:
I got a low hanging rope, when I put my head in I was squatting a bit. I didn't use a chair, I was suspended in the air, leaning forward. I was struggling to breathe a bit, but it didn't make my head pulse. I could only feel that floating feeling. My limbs got a bit tired, and it just didn't go further? I have no idea why. I thought I was doing well. I was using this stretchy aerobatic silks material, it's quite literally the only thing I can get my hands on for personal reasons. Maybe the stretchyness was allowing blood to flow through, I don't know because I'm not a doctor.
I don't want to go through with the chemical products for CTB, like SN or other drug mixing. It seems far too complicated for me and I'll be asked quite a few questions, lol. I need to do this with stuff I already have at home, or something that isn't drug related.
Now regarding the second part of my title; I can't attempt again. It's mostly because of a mental block, but also because that last attempt took quite a bit of energy out of me. I realize now that I still have some affairs to get in order, so I'm actually somewhat grateful it didn't work as I expected. I still have a game or two in my library to beat, some rewrites for personal notes, and account deactivations. It's nothing too important really, and I don't give much care to it. But it's something to do, something to make me feel more encouraged to follow through with CTB.
I can already hear "If you're having doubts, why are you still considering?" I just.. don't like living I suppose? That's a hard question. I don't have anything strong enough to live for. I just feel too detached to live freely and happily, and it's my life and my choice. "Why are we still alive," is what we should be asking. Seriously, other than instinct, what's there to actually live for? Family? They'll be gone in only years. If you don't spend tons of energy establishing your bloodline, you'll be forgotten. Friends? Same thing as I said before. I've learned time and time and time again that friendship is a temporary luxury, and unconditional love doesn't exist. If you abuse a dog, that dog isn't going to love you. If you need to care for something, then that's on you. But it can be a choice to surrender them. There's no reason to exist for me.
Bare in mind that each opinion is mine. This is my rambling post, I don't actually expect anything to come from it really. I'm still here, and I'm going to try again, and that's all that really matters.
