Venting it cant end soon enough

[zeroshark]

longtime lurker, first time posting (i think?) edit: second one. cant even count to two. lmfao

planning on CTB soon via night night; ordered everything i need and itll be here by thursday.

for the first time in my life i do actually think in some universe theres a future where i could live and be happy, and i can almost get there in this universe, but not quite. i have a partner i love and who loves me, but he lives overseas and i cant move now because of covid. i got away from one terrible family member and now the one who used to be most supportive hates me. staying alive is so exhausting and it hurts so much. i attempted for the first time when i was 11 and ive been trying constantly since. its clear i was never supposed to be born in the first place never mind live this long. i have horrible depression and anxiety, ptsd, and psychosis (all untreated). the only support structure i have is all overseas with my partner.

i feel horrible about doing this to him. im going through the song and dance of a visa application knowing im going to die well before we ever file it.

im not scared of dying; i am scared of dying alone and of someone having to find my body.

i wish it wasnt like this but it is. i dont know what the point of this post is. sorry.

 

[Ramirez]

im drunk so i didnt read all of it. i wish you alot of courage and luck tho

 

[Painless_end]

I'm sorry for your pain

 

[bravotess]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Would you feel differently if you and your partner could be together? Covid is going to be around for a while, but not forever.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

im not scared of dying; i am scared of dying alone and of someone having to find my body.

i wish it wasnt like this but it is. i dont know what the point of this post is. sorry.

The point is to share. We're always here for each other, and we grow in empathy and understanding when we listen to the stories of others. THANK YOU for being brave to share this with us. I'm so sorry you're in such a situation and feeling such pain.

Two of your statements really resonated with me. 1) The idea of staying alive being exhausting — so well-put. 2) Not wanting to die alone — other than the pain I anticipate my mother feeling, this is my greatest fear as well. I wish I could be with a loved one, but I know it's not a reality.

 

[zeroshark]

I'm sorry you are hurting. Would you feel differently if you and your partner could be together? Covid is going to be around for a while, but not forever.

possibly? its complicated. yes, i would want to stay alive if we were together. hes the only person whos ever treated me with genuine kindness and compassion and i understand how it feels to want to live after meeting him. on the flipside...theres no guarantee that ill ever actually be able to move to be with him even minus covid, and if i did... what am i signing him up for? decades more of dealing with a severely suicidal mentally ill person with no talents or skills to speak of who cant contribute anything meaningful to the relationship? im already a drain on him emotionally and financially, im too traumatized to have sex anymore. i cant in good conscience pin him down to years more of that, but im too selfish to break up with him and he wont break up with me (and i selfishly again dont want him to.)

The point is to share. We're always here for each other, and we grow in empathy and understanding when we listen to the stories of others. THANK YOU for being brave to share this with us. I'm so sorry you're in such a situation and feeling such pain.

Two of your statements really resonated with me. 1) The idea of staying alive being exhausting — so well-put. 2) Not wanting to die alone — other than the pain I anticipate my mother feeling, this is my greatest fear as well. I wish I could be with a loved one, but I know it's not a reality.

do you experience same the frustration i do with phrases like "a permanent solution to a temporary problem"? it makes me want to slap people for first acting like all problems are temporary, and then just expecting us to endure in the face of whatever because hey, itll stop eventually (probably). if you stretch a rubber band too far, it snaps--had you let go a second earlier, sure, it would bounce back to the original shape. but that doesnt mean anything if you dont let go and the band snaps. theres a level of pain you cant endure, and the knowledge that the pain COULD go away if circumstances lined up correctly does nothing to relieve that pressure in the meantime.

i hate that anyone at this point in time who chooses to CTB is essentially forced to die a lonelier, more painful, frightening death rather than being allowed some peace at what is surely the end of unbearable pain.

 

[zeroshark]

i posted a reply here but its in limbo waiting on mod approval for reasons (???). just so people know im appreciative of their responses and not ignoring them :)

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

do you experience same the frustration i do with phrases like "a permanent solution to a temporary problem"?

Absolutely! It's been used so frequently to me. I don't even think that the people who use it understand what they're saying. It's just one of those canned responses they're supposed to use. It makes sense to them, because they believe every problem is temporary, so they think it's a good argument, and that hearing that tidbit of advice will magically enlighten you.

i hate that anyone at this point in time who chooses to CTB is essentially forced to die a lonelier, more painful, frightening death rather than being allowed some peace at what is surely the end of unbearable pain.

AMEN.

 

[zeroshark]

Absolutely! It's been used so frequently to me. I don't even think that the people who use it understand what they're saying. It's just one of those canned responses they're supposed to use. It makes sense to them, because they believe every problem is temporary, so they think it's a good argument, and that hearing that tidbit of advice will magically enlighten you.

couldnt agree more, and it becomes so obvious in an instant when you point out obvious examples of problems that are not temporary or have no solution. people are so uncomfortable around suicide/convinced it could never be the better option they just regurgitate the same old platitudes and hotline numbers like its news to people who have been suicidal for years. its too ingrained culturally to let people recognize sometimes the best thing they can do for us is try to understand and accept, and allow for some peace at the end.