qualityOV3Rquantity
Experienced
- Jul 27, 2024
- 278
When I was 16, I went for a walk to try to distract myself from the pain, and I was thinking and I realized the simple truth that if I hadn't been born I wouldn't be suffering like this. All the sadness, loneliness, anxiety, and the decades of pain to come wouldn't be happening. I couldn't continue, I sat on the side of the road and cried for an hour or two. How could it be the case that because two people met in 1998, I needed to live in agony for decades? I had no part in it, but I was the one who needed to suffer, who was sentenced to 70 years of torture and hard labor.
It's been 10 years since then, with many twists and turns, but I never was able to shake off the terror of the realization I had when I was 16. All I can do is distract myself. But it's harder, now the pain has become more sharp. I now live with 2 chronic illnesses which torment me every day. I look back at my life like a massive expanse of arctic tundra, where the steadily falling snow has already covered my footsteps. I can't see where I began and I don't know how long I've been going. There are no landmarks, and there is no end in sight. It feels like I will live forever, like it's impossible for me to die. I'll just be alone in this cold darkness forever.
I live a fairly normal life. I work, I go to the gym, I socialize sometimes. But there has always been a barrier between me and other people. They see a normal person, they think I'm a normal person with hopes and aspirations, with interests and personality. But I'm not. I feel totally empty inside, except for impersonal electric pulses in my brain that make me move, breathe, eat, sleep. Nothing in this world could ever satisfy me, nothing could fill the empty void inside me.
I just want this to stop, I want to be free of this pain and emptiness. But I still have 50 more years until I'm granted a natural death.
It's been 10 years since then, with many twists and turns, but I never was able to shake off the terror of the realization I had when I was 16. All I can do is distract myself. But it's harder, now the pain has become more sharp. I now live with 2 chronic illnesses which torment me every day. I look back at my life like a massive expanse of arctic tundra, where the steadily falling snow has already covered my footsteps. I can't see where I began and I don't know how long I've been going. There are no landmarks, and there is no end in sight. It feels like I will live forever, like it's impossible for me to die. I'll just be alone in this cold darkness forever.
I live a fairly normal life. I work, I go to the gym, I socialize sometimes. But there has always been a barrier between me and other people. They see a normal person, they think I'm a normal person with hopes and aspirations, with interests and personality. But I'm not. I feel totally empty inside, except for impersonal electric pulses in my brain that make me move, breathe, eat, sleep. Nothing in this world could ever satisfy me, nothing could fill the empty void inside me.
I just want this to stop, I want to be free of this pain and emptiness. But I still have 50 more years until I'm granted a natural death.
