I have no remaining family at all. I have a few acquaintances who feel sorry for my circumstances. My relationships have been with people who used me and did not care about my life. I try to put myself into hobbies, be friendly at work or school, offer my time and commitment to people, try to invest in their wellbeing but I am always kept on the side and its never returned. Sometimes in frustration I vent on my private social media and people who know me in real life just "like" the post.
I've tried being myself. I've tried hiding what I thought made people uncomfortable. I tried reaching out. I tried being open and honest about how I feel. I tried the hotlines, I tried the brief sessions with professionals. There is no one who wants to hear me talk about my life. Im certainly useful, I can certainly serve a purpose for them, but to have to sit and listen for more than five minutes? No.
In an era where people with oh so busy lives can binge watch a four hour series while contemplating and reflecting on what they watch, it's absurd to continue to give so much respect to people being too busy to just... listen to someone else that's not in their immediate circle. As I'll never be apart of that circle either when no one is investing the time to listen.
I used to be able to convince myself that one day it'll change but it just becomes worse as no one wants to be around someone who's been cast away in the first place. The isolation is so deeply painful and I don't think it will ever end and it's scary that I've begun to finally rationalize letting go. I didn't want to but I just don't think I have a choice.
I've tried being myself. I've tried hiding what I thought made people uncomfortable. I tried reaching out. I tried being open and honest about how I feel. I tried the hotlines, I tried the brief sessions with professionals. There is no one who wants to hear me talk about my life. Im certainly useful, I can certainly serve a purpose for them, but to have to sit and listen for more than five minutes? No.
In an era where people with oh so busy lives can binge watch a four hour series while contemplating and reflecting on what they watch, it's absurd to continue to give so much respect to people being too busy to just... listen to someone else that's not in their immediate circle. As I'll never be apart of that circle either when no one is investing the time to listen.
I used to be able to convince myself that one day it'll change but it just becomes worse as no one wants to be around someone who's been cast away in the first place. The isolation is so deeply painful and I don't think it will ever end and it's scary that I've begun to finally rationalize letting go. I didn't want to but I just don't think I have a choice.
