Isolation Hurts

[Safira]

Just wanted to vent here briefly because i'm really upset right now, you don't need to read if you don't want to, it's kinda incoherent.

I'm having real trouble getting any normal amounts of sleep for the past few months as my misophonia combined with my piece of shit family who don't care keeps me up and stressing, full of anxiety and dark thoughts. My brothers do nothing but play video games all night and yell at their friends, my parents think it's all my fault for being too sensitive, and mock me in front of everyone every time i try and open up. If i say nothing i'm tormented, if i say anything it's the same result. My studies are suffering so much because of this and there's nowhere else i can stay to attempt to revise. My memory's a trainwreck and i'm losing hope in my future.

I feel myself getting worse and worse and i am flicking back and forth between ghosting my very very few friends and wanting to be with them 24/7 because it hurts so bad. It hurts to be with them because i feel like a failure and it hurts to be without them because without them i have nothing keeping me here. I'm either completely numb or crying my eyes out for hours, it fucking sucks.
Right now i'm just starting to talk with them again after a few days of isolation and pain, it helps a lot to have someone to vent to and talk about silly shit with, but i have those doubts about myself resurfacing with every message i send. I feel i'm not worth it.

Just today i was mocked for never sticking around to hear conversations about myself being too sensitive (i flee the room as calmly as i can because i know i will cry in my state of mind today) and i just can't take it anymore. My family don't give a shit about me, any time i go outside it's "a miracle" and their sarcasm speaks volumes about their opinions of me. They're such hypocrites and i fucking hate them so much. Sure, i am grateful for what they've taught me in the past and what they mean for my character, but recently they've done nothing but piss me off, stress me out and make me cry.

I can't complete a conversation with anyone at college because i'm either ignored, laughed at, had some passive aggressive comment thrown my way, or i'm interrupted or walked away from. I hate my life.

I don't know what the point of this was, i guess i just needed to put this out somewhere. If you read this far, thank you. This community is a godsend.

 

[Sonnenblume]

Sorry you're going through that. I've isolated myself on purpose so I can ctb soon but it's still really painful. Wish I had some good advice to give you but I don't. Life sucks.

 

[Kfoe!12]

I can relate to the ghosting part, you try to make a rational judgement but you just end up bending to your own feelings, whether that's positive or negative - I feel for you. If these friends understand your point of view and your misophonia, then you should hold on to them as close as you can; they are the only thing that can give you hope. Don't be scared to rely on them a bit too much, you don't have much of another rational choice. Hope the misophonia doesn't get the best of you, but if it does, you will anyways always find peace in the end.

 

[Fylobatica]

Strangely enough, I found some kind of peace in isolation, my life was unsurvivable among other people. I try to limit my social interaction to the bare minimum.
I also don't feel loneliness that easily, which helps a lot

 

[Safira]

Sorry you're going through that. I've isolated myself on purpose so I can ctb soon but it's still really painful. Wish I had some good advice to give you but I don't. Life sucks.

Yeah, sometimes you second guess your intentions for isolation though, and those moments take me by surprise enough to make myself feel guilty. Thanks for replying though, it's good (albeit saddening) to hear others in the same position.

 

[Safira]

I can relate to the ghosting part, you try to make a rational judgement but you just end up bending to your own feelings, whether that's positive or negative - I feel for you. If these friends understand your point of view and your misophonia, then you should hold on to them as close as you can; they are the only thing that can give you hope. Don't be scared to rely on them a bit too much, you don't have much of another rational choice. Hope the misophonia doesn't get the best of you, but if it does, you will anyways always find peace in the end.

Love your post signature btw - Thank you, and yeah they understand my need to be clingy and always forgive (they're too sweet for me). It's kind of reciprocated as they often struggle with similar feelings, though not to the same extent as me. Still, i'll take your words to heart, thank you again for replying. Peace will come in time, be it sooner or later, and i hope you find yours too.

 

[Safira]

Strangely enough, I found some kind of peace in isolation, my life was unsurvivable among other people. I try to limit my social interaction to the bare minimum.
I also don't feel loneliness that easily, which helps a lot

Yeah, sometimes i take the time to compose myself, other times it makes it worse (we are inherently social creatures, as much as i may detest that fact in the moment). I'm glad you can find some peace in your life, it's admirable how you have fought for that experience. I wish you the best in keeping that calm in your life, even through the tough times. <3

 

[Redeemed1969]

I have misophonia as well. I use white noise or static through ear buds. It really helps.

 

[Safira]

I have misophonia as well. I use white noise or static through ear buds. It really helps.

Yeah, i try and listen to asmr, music, fanfiction readings, stuff like that, but shouting and later snoring gets through that easily =/ Ear plugs i've tried a bunch of times but i've had issues with my ears for all my life so they're super sensitive to stuff being in them (i can only wear a certain type of ear bud that doesn't go too far in). Glad you have some ways of coping though that are effective, it sucks that misophonia isn't going to be medically recognised for at least a few more years. Some research is being/has been done, which is better than nothing i guess. Hopefully you can stick with it until then, then perhaps we can all find some consistent method of getting relief from it.

On the plus side, getting some industrial quality ear muffs to put on while studying, hopefully they don't hurt my big head ^^;; they should be here in about a month's time, but until then i gotta grit my teeth and get through it. They're meant for shooting ranges and when using saws and such, so loud tvs and snoring shouldn't be a problem haha (i hope anyway ^^;;)

 

[Fylobatica]

it sucks that misophonia isn't going to be medically recognised for at least a few more years.

There's little medical literature about misophonia as for now, true. Nevertheless, from what we know it seems triggered by certain sounds (specifically, frequencies) that our brain has already labeled as "negative" in the past.
I can somehow relate, since I regularly practise full immersions in music and white noise to shield myself from loud chatter and generally people who don't understand that they can talk together without pulling down a building with their vocal cords.