Venting Isolation Anxiety And Fear Of Abandonment

[Antisad]

Hey guys, so long story short, my girlfriend, who has been an absolute blessing to me and has only helped me through so much, are on a break this week...
Problem is, we used to FaceTime every night and I would love to just have her presence there and all of my worries would be carried away as if they never existed. However, now that we're on a break, for personal reasons, every night so far has been absolutely dreadful. The moment I walk into my dorm room, even with my roommate there, triggers every kind of anxiety possible.

There's this weight that sits on my chest as if it physically crushes my ribcage. The moment I lay down, my mind is racing, darting everywhere, and I do everything I can to distract myself. I write, I try to text others or talk to other people, but it doesn't seem to work. I even try to leave YouTube videos on to watch, which used to work before, but now doesn't and isn't the same anymore. I don't even know what kind of music to listen to anymore without it feeling like it stabs my chest. My stomach churns and my body feel entirely restless. I have no kind of medication to help as I'm currently in college and didn't allow me to have any kind of non-regulated medication (but I could 110% just get some here, which I should do).

Moreover, there is this deep, longing hole in me that seems to get deeper by the second while laying in bed, all by myself. This entire week has been me in Limbo, and depending on how it turns out, if it does turn out the way I think it will, will be what finally pushes me over the edge. I'll ctb, and I'm not afraid to at all. I have a plan, and have thought about ctb for almost a year now, so it's not a spur of the moment decision.
I've considered calling some of my other friends, but I'd doubt they'd stay with me all night.

Now I know, I know this all sounds ridiculous like some lame break-up story, but I promise you it's so much more than that which I don't want to get too far in depth in. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Any help?

 

[exhausted]

So painful to feel this way, I know, but it's good you have reached out. You said you are on a break, that doesn't sound like a break-up? She is probably thinking about you too, but everyone has breaks sometimes and this break will end and the pain will get easier as seeing her again gets closer. I know you're terrified she will break up with you, but don't think that way right now, it's making you suicidal. Of course, it is possible, but what if that turns out to not be the case at all? Perceived certainty over an outcome can lead to such anxiety.

You need to call someone I think. Someone who can stay even for a short while, or a crisis line, or something. You're doing well, especially as you have no meds with you and if I were in your situation, I know I would be feeling all kind of ways and doing all kinds of things! Have you guys ever had a break before, that came to an end without issue?

 

[noctiva]

Hei @Antisad, I hear you, I am in the exact same situation, except its on week 8 now. I am a broken wreck and completely lost. My anxiety is skyrocketing, my depression is kicking me harder than ever before in my whole life. I am anxiously attached, so for me this is complete and utter torture. Nothing I liked to to is enjoyable anymore, no music, no video games, no watching documentaries in the background. I can't eat, I can't sleep, my weight has dropped drastically (10 kg gone).
This is precisely what has pushed me over the edge to research and acquire what is needed for ctb. I have a very faint thread of hope, but I think whatever could happen will happen to late for me.
Please know that you are not alone, your situation is not ridiculous at all. The purpose of ctb is ending pain, whether physical or mental or a combination of both.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to tell your story and want someone to listen.
Take care of yourself as well as you can, you deserve kindness and compassion. Feel hugged and understood.

 

[Antisad]

So painful to feel this way, I know, but it's good you have reached out. You said you are on a break, that doesn't sound like a break-up? She is probably thinking about you too, but everyone has breaks sometimes and this break will end and the pain will get easier as seeing her again gets closer. I know you're terrified she will break up with you, but don't think that way right now, it's making you suicidal. Of course, it is possible, but what if that turns out to not be the case at all? Perceived certainty over an outcome can lead to such anxiety.

You need to call someone I think. Someone who can stay even for a short while, or a crisis line, or something. You're doing well, especially as you have no meds with you and if I were in your situation, I know I would be feeling all kind of ways and doing all kinds of things! Have you guys ever had a break before, that came to an end without issue?

Hey @exhausted ! Yeah, we're just on a break and not a break-up. And you're very right. We've been able to talk recently, as like best friends and like almost starting over because that's what we kind of missed in our relationship: having the foundation of being just stupid bestest friends. You are also very right about not thinking about her breaking up with me. It's just very tough because I've been so on edge this entire month and this would be the straw that broke the camel's back. Things have been getting better, but I just want a backup plan in case things go south.
This has also been our first ever break in our almost 2 year relationship. But yeah, I'm surviving every single day as best as I can. It's been surviving each day instead of thriving, haha. But in all seriousness, thank you so much for the support. I have been able to call some super close friends of mine and speak my mind without telling them about my plans to ctb, which was actually relieving.
Again, this meant THE WORLD to me for you to reach out and help me and give me some advice. Thank you thank you thank you.

Hei @Antisad, I hear you, I am in the exact same situation, except its on week 8 now. I am a broken wreck and completely lost. My anxiety is skyrocketing, my depression is kicking me harder than ever before in my whole life. I am anxiously attached, so for me this is complete and utter torture. Nothing I liked to to is enjoyable anymore, no music, no video games, no watching documentaries in the background. I can't eat, I can't sleep, my weight has dropped drastically (10 kg gone).
This is precisely what has pushed me over the edge to research and acquire what is needed for ctb. I have a very faint thread of hope, but I think whatever could happen will happen to late for me.
Please know that you are not alone, your situation is not ridiculous at all. The purpose of ctb is ending pain, whether physical or mental or a combination of both.
Please feel free to PM me if you want to tell your story and want someone to listen.
Take care of yourself as well as you can, you deserve kindness and compassion. Feel hugged and understood.

Hey @noctiva, reading this honestly put me to tears because of how similar of a situation we are in, except you are hurting so much more and I feel for you. It has felt as if nothing, and absolutely nothing has been able to help me with my anxiety as I too am anxiously attached and I am a super clingy guy. It's almost as if anything new I try works for a little bit, but then dissipates and leaves me feel worse. Surprisingly, I've also been losing weight because I can't keep anything down due to the fact that I throw up everything I try to eat because I'm just so scared and terrified.
And Noctiva, word for word, this is also exactly what has pushed me over the edge to begin research aside from planning ctb.
Thank you so very very much for the support and encouragement. It's made me feel so much better knowing that I havn't gone through this alone and that wonderful people like you are around. Thank you so so much for understanding. You guys have really made things a little easier.
Noctiva, hold on with me for a little while longer. My rope of hope has become one small and fragile strand too, but please hang in there with me just a little while longer. I've been treat myself a little better as best as I can. You yourself deserve true kindness and compassion, my friend, and I hope I can give some of that back as you have done to me.