T
Toptock
Experienced
- Jun 6, 2020
- 292
Over the last couple of years I've cut off maybe 99% of my friends. When I was social I had the phone numbers and social media of maybe 250 people. I was quasi-popular. People wanted me around because of what I could do and they wanted to use that. When I realized I had nothing else to offer them, I realized they didn't want me around, so I cut them off. I ghosted friends I've known for decades because I knew in the long run, from here, they wouldn't have any part of my life.
I've come to learn I greatly enjoy this solitude. I talk to three people frequently, that's it. Two of them aren't in my state, they're texts on a screen which makes it a million times easier. I've had coworkers try to be friends and invite me out to drinks, but I always decline. The idea of going out socially both upsets and scares me. I don't want to go somewhere if I have to carry a conversation, nor do I believe I should have to go out of my way to another location to have a good time when I can stay home and have a good time. I don't want friends, I sort of want companionship, but that's my desire to be held conflicting with my understanding that I'm 30, far too old to want that stuff.
I'm tired, all the time. I've forgotten most of my life, I don't' want to go see my family and the idea of working hard to buy a house or car just sickens me. I'm not going to join the rat race, it's stupid. I recently moved and ended up throwing out most of my stuff too. My roommate (My sister) wants to get furniture, but when she asked what kind of furniture we should get I told her I have 0 intentions of "hanging out" enough for it to matter. I wasn't hostile in my response, I tried to stay cordial and clear but I think she got the point. I don't have friends.
I'm aware something is wrong in me, I don't want to try and fish for sympathy, but maybe someone can explain what it is. I spend my weekends in bed, just thinking about death and how I'm scared I'll be trapped in a void of pain and torture solely because I never did anything with my life. I don't deserve heaven, which is fine, but I at least don't want to come back. My mind is in a constant fog, I'm on autopilot most times and during conversation it's like someone else is speaking. At night I am afraid to go to sleep, I don't know why. I've reached the point where I'm at the opposite end of the CTB spectrum I was at last year. When I did LSD I was ready, I felt myself put my lips to the glass of SN and could even taste a bit. I stopped myself because I remembered I didn't have a note.
Now, I'm scared to die, I'm terrified that I'll do it, and someone will be waiting with a spiked bat or something and I'll just be in another state of agony with no escape. Peace isn't waiting for me, I just know it. It must be fun being a god, not having to care about your creations.
I'm sincerely sorry if this is all sounding like self-serving bullshit. I really appreciate you guys being so caring all this time.
I've come to learn I greatly enjoy this solitude. I talk to three people frequently, that's it. Two of them aren't in my state, they're texts on a screen which makes it a million times easier. I've had coworkers try to be friends and invite me out to drinks, but I always decline. The idea of going out socially both upsets and scares me. I don't want to go somewhere if I have to carry a conversation, nor do I believe I should have to go out of my way to another location to have a good time when I can stay home and have a good time. I don't want friends, I sort of want companionship, but that's my desire to be held conflicting with my understanding that I'm 30, far too old to want that stuff.
I'm tired, all the time. I've forgotten most of my life, I don't' want to go see my family and the idea of working hard to buy a house or car just sickens me. I'm not going to join the rat race, it's stupid. I recently moved and ended up throwing out most of my stuff too. My roommate (My sister) wants to get furniture, but when she asked what kind of furniture we should get I told her I have 0 intentions of "hanging out" enough for it to matter. I wasn't hostile in my response, I tried to stay cordial and clear but I think she got the point. I don't have friends.
I'm aware something is wrong in me, I don't want to try and fish for sympathy, but maybe someone can explain what it is. I spend my weekends in bed, just thinking about death and how I'm scared I'll be trapped in a void of pain and torture solely because I never did anything with my life. I don't deserve heaven, which is fine, but I at least don't want to come back. My mind is in a constant fog, I'm on autopilot most times and during conversation it's like someone else is speaking. At night I am afraid to go to sleep, I don't know why. I've reached the point where I'm at the opposite end of the CTB spectrum I was at last year. When I did LSD I was ready, I felt myself put my lips to the glass of SN and could even taste a bit. I stopped myself because I remembered I didn't have a note.
Now, I'm scared to die, I'm terrified that I'll do it, and someone will be waiting with a spiked bat or something and I'll just be in another state of agony with no escape. Peace isn't waiting for me, I just know it. It must be fun being a god, not having to care about your creations.
I'm sincerely sorry if this is all sounding like self-serving bullshit. I really appreciate you guys being so caring all this time.