Michelstaedter
Experienced
- Feb 25, 2025
- 252
I had already mentioned it in some post and it seems that many liked my comment, because in some way it was a strange event that happened to me a year ago and although it has nothing paranormal (although it contains details as such) at least it was something strange, a strange experience and an atypical sensation that combined my altered state of mind with a certain lucidity that I had never experienced until that moment.
Note: I do not intend to persuade or dissuade with this story, nor do I intend to create religious ideas since although I tend towards atheism, it does not stop me from talking about mystical and to a certain extent mythological things just for entertainment.
A year ago, I had a problem with clonazepam, as I fell into a rather horrible withdrawal syndrome, since I had been taking it for more than a year, increasing in mg as I tolerated the low doses. My situation worsened when, convinced that I should no longer depend on that substance, I decided to quit cold turkey. Although the week I did, I certainly tried to take the lowest dose possible, but I didn't have medical guidance or any parameters to know if I was doing it right or not. During the first three weeks, it was hell, since although I helped myself by self-medicating with venlafaxine and mirtazapine (California Rocket Fuel), the sensations were horrible: suicidal thoughts, anxiety, unreality, depersonalization, among other quite negative symptoms. Day X, that's what I'll call the day that this strange phenomenon happened to me, it was a weird day, I started having delusional or atypical thoughts, such as feeling like I was someone else and even that I was in another life that wasn't mine, but keep in mind, it was just the feeling, I was aware that it was me, that I had stopped taking clonazepam, that I was in withdrawal syndrome and yet I had those feelings. The worst was the next day, on the so-called day X, not only did I feel out of my mind, but I felt like I was possessed, that a spiritual, demonic or whatever entity was inside me and was controlling me, the point is that when I went to my family to tell them that something was not right with me, they took me to the doctor and he treated my case, however he also didn't understand the situation, beyond the little that I described to him (I was totally disoriented, my mind was cloudy and I didn't feel centered), he understood that it was a case for a specialist...
The story ends with the fact that to calm me down, he gave me clonazepam (that's where all the "paranormal" stuff comes apart), and I began to feel better, calmer, more relaxed, as if the "fog" in my mind had dissipated. He prescribed me a stabilizing medication called sodium valproate, and up until then, I haven't felt anything strange or like I did that day. But the strangest thing was what I felt throughout the day, when he gave me the clonazepam, and in fact, although to a lesser extent, in the days following. That day I felt calmer, more relaxed, kinder and more outgoing than usual, as if my mind was working faster and I felt stable, as if I had already "recovered" from the horrible days before, but my feeling went further, when I thought about death, about suicide as such, since as I mentioned, days before I was thinking about it seriously and it was something that was far from years where they were only ideas related to bad times, in those days it was a feeling of not finding meaning in life (just like now) but on day X it faded away and transformed into an idea more like "why want to die, if death will come for me at some point." I don't know if it was because my pets were still alive, or because of the clonazepam, mirtazapine, and venlafaxine in my system, but the feeling was one of peace, of indifference to hate, sadness, pleasure, or hedonism, as if I could be in that state for 30-40 years, and it didn't matter how long it was, because there was no anxiety about living, nor about dying...
It should be noted that I do not intend to say that it was a miracle, or that God was giving me a sign, nor is it as if I ignored that they had given me clonazepam after not taking it for almost 3 weeks and that this generated those sensations, because the following days I no longer took clonazepam, in fact I was able to stop taking it for almost 3 months and I no longer had those abnormal, delirious sensations, being that although I continued taking venlafaxine, I no longer felt the same although I felt a certain optimism or a certain patience regarding some situations that today when I do not take anything they despair me and that in the past even despite taking antidepressants, anxiolytics or whatever, I still feel bad and obviously wanting to achieve my perfect CTB someday ...
My story, if you don't want to read it, is just a food for thought, wondering if our mind, our "neurotransmitters," and "brain chemistry" are really part of our willpower, or if each one is something different. I want to die, and I realized, after a guy responded to a post here, that I don't envy anyone on this planet. I don't envy millionaires, or those who fuck beautiful women every day, or those who are happy, or even those who claim to have peace and tranquility in their hearts. If I were to envy anyone, it's the one who lies dead in the grave, and if anyone is alive, I would only envy the one who had the will to die through peaceful euthanasia. Only those kinds of people would I truly feel a certain envy, but not other kinds of people.
P.S. I regret the ironic tone in a post that was taken down. I didn't intend to stir up controversy on this site or rekindle the pain of those who suffer like me. I didn't realize that while you can talk about "CTB" or suicide as such, you can't talk about other topics, and in that case, I won't touch on them again.
Note: I do not intend to persuade or dissuade with this story, nor do I intend to create religious ideas since although I tend towards atheism, it does not stop me from talking about mystical and to a certain extent mythological things just for entertainment.
A year ago, I had a problem with clonazepam, as I fell into a rather horrible withdrawal syndrome, since I had been taking it for more than a year, increasing in mg as I tolerated the low doses. My situation worsened when, convinced that I should no longer depend on that substance, I decided to quit cold turkey. Although the week I did, I certainly tried to take the lowest dose possible, but I didn't have medical guidance or any parameters to know if I was doing it right or not. During the first three weeks, it was hell, since although I helped myself by self-medicating with venlafaxine and mirtazapine (California Rocket Fuel), the sensations were horrible: suicidal thoughts, anxiety, unreality, depersonalization, among other quite negative symptoms. Day X, that's what I'll call the day that this strange phenomenon happened to me, it was a weird day, I started having delusional or atypical thoughts, such as feeling like I was someone else and even that I was in another life that wasn't mine, but keep in mind, it was just the feeling, I was aware that it was me, that I had stopped taking clonazepam, that I was in withdrawal syndrome and yet I had those feelings. The worst was the next day, on the so-called day X, not only did I feel out of my mind, but I felt like I was possessed, that a spiritual, demonic or whatever entity was inside me and was controlling me, the point is that when I went to my family to tell them that something was not right with me, they took me to the doctor and he treated my case, however he also didn't understand the situation, beyond the little that I described to him (I was totally disoriented, my mind was cloudy and I didn't feel centered), he understood that it was a case for a specialist...
The story ends with the fact that to calm me down, he gave me clonazepam (that's where all the "paranormal" stuff comes apart), and I began to feel better, calmer, more relaxed, as if the "fog" in my mind had dissipated. He prescribed me a stabilizing medication called sodium valproate, and up until then, I haven't felt anything strange or like I did that day. But the strangest thing was what I felt throughout the day, when he gave me the clonazepam, and in fact, although to a lesser extent, in the days following. That day I felt calmer, more relaxed, kinder and more outgoing than usual, as if my mind was working faster and I felt stable, as if I had already "recovered" from the horrible days before, but my feeling went further, when I thought about death, about suicide as such, since as I mentioned, days before I was thinking about it seriously and it was something that was far from years where they were only ideas related to bad times, in those days it was a feeling of not finding meaning in life (just like now) but on day X it faded away and transformed into an idea more like "why want to die, if death will come for me at some point." I don't know if it was because my pets were still alive, or because of the clonazepam, mirtazapine, and venlafaxine in my system, but the feeling was one of peace, of indifference to hate, sadness, pleasure, or hedonism, as if I could be in that state for 30-40 years, and it didn't matter how long it was, because there was no anxiety about living, nor about dying...
It should be noted that I do not intend to say that it was a miracle, or that God was giving me a sign, nor is it as if I ignored that they had given me clonazepam after not taking it for almost 3 weeks and that this generated those sensations, because the following days I no longer took clonazepam, in fact I was able to stop taking it for almost 3 months and I no longer had those abnormal, delirious sensations, being that although I continued taking venlafaxine, I no longer felt the same although I felt a certain optimism or a certain patience regarding some situations that today when I do not take anything they despair me and that in the past even despite taking antidepressants, anxiolytics or whatever, I still feel bad and obviously wanting to achieve my perfect CTB someday ...
My story, if you don't want to read it, is just a food for thought, wondering if our mind, our "neurotransmitters," and "brain chemistry" are really part of our willpower, or if each one is something different. I want to die, and I realized, after a guy responded to a post here, that I don't envy anyone on this planet. I don't envy millionaires, or those who fuck beautiful women every day, or those who are happy, or even those who claim to have peace and tranquility in their hearts. If I were to envy anyone, it's the one who lies dead in the grave, and if anyone is alive, I would only envy the one who had the will to die through peaceful euthanasia. Only those kinds of people would I truly feel a certain envy, but not other kinds of people.
P.S. I regret the ironic tone in a post that was taken down. I didn't intend to stir up controversy on this site or rekindle the pain of those who suffer like me. I didn't realize that while you can talk about "CTB" or suicide as such, you can't talk about other topics, and in that case, I won't touch on them again.
