Is your child/children enough?

[mollydelma]

Hi, I'm new here and came across this site by chance and my god it feels like a breathe of fresh air, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders to see that not only am I not alone, but also that I can speak freely without being criticised. I'm not sure if anyone feels the same but I've tried therapy, I've spoke to numerous different services about what goes on in my head and nobody understands, which is understandable as most days I don't understand it myself

I have never suffered with MH, 30 year old woman.. I've been through some very traumatic events in my life, ones where I now look back and wonder how did I survive that? Delayed PTSD? Maybe… I don't have the answers, neither does my GP, neither does my therapist… because believe me, I've tried sourcing help but there just isn't any out there and is it fair for me to keep living in this fear? Sadness? Emptiness? Keep living with these voices in my head telling me what a horrible person I am? Am I seriously just expected to get up and go to work, live life as normal and ignore this voice? 13th October 2024 I attempted suicide, failed… 19th October attempted suicide, failed… I've tried my god damn hardest since then to get better, but gradually day after day it becomes harder and I'm at the point now where the thought of peace makes me excited and gives me this sense of happiness, a feeling I've destined for so long. I'm so ready for it, third time lucky. Am I wrong for not feeling guilt anymore? My child is 12yo… people forever say 'how would she feel?' And gods honest truth, I don't care because I won't be here to see the aftermath and truthfully? I think she will be content knowing that I'm finally out of pain as she has seen first hand the struggles I face on a daily basis. Am I what the voice tells me? Am I a horrible person for not feeling guilt anymore? I'm simply surviving, I'm not living and she's doing the same, she worries about me every day and I know that isn't fair, if I'm not here then she needn't worry about me, right? And she can move on and find happiness and peace herself. I can't even say I wish I was happy again because I don't ever recall a time in 30 years where I've felt 'happy' - I'm a twin, polar opposites to my twin sister and we both always joke and say I pulled the short straw, I'm the one with the shit life and bad luck. It's been clear to everyone who knows me that I've never had a good life in 30 years. I was asked once by my therapist, if I could end it all or start again, which one would it be? I'd end it all… I couldn't and wouldn't want to take the risk of potentially been given this shit life again. So I guess my question is, is there anyone else out there who feels that their children are not a saving factor?

 

[MidnightCat]

Sorry about yout story, noone wants to be always suffering..

If I can ask... just to clarify:

You don't feel guilt for her or you think she'll be better off?

 

[particularrodent]

children cannot save you or anyone. it's unfair to put that on someone, let alone a child.

i am more concerned about the fact that you don't care for your child's feelings, especially at an age like 12, where they are more aware of things and thus will be more hurt by your actions, and yet unable to care for themselves because they are, well, 12 years old, and subsequently will have to live the rest of their lives with no mother... if you haven't felt happy in 30 years, why did you have this child???

i am aware this is easy for me to ask about and then judge others for as a childless person, though. but i can't... understand you either. a 12 year old cannot "find happiness and peace," they like, just turned old enough to take a bunch of medications as per the instructions on the little sticky on the back (lol) and nothing else...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm very sorry for your situation. I don't have children myself. I've actually developed anti-natilist feelings over time to be honest. I would just caution you that a lot of members here are also antinatilist and, quite a few feel that parents do have more obligation to stay. My opinion also has a bit of a bias to it because my Mum died of cancer when I was 3 so, I know how difficult it is to grow up without a parent.

On the theme of obligation, I'm staying for my Dad's sake. It's not that he makes my life worth living- if I'm brutally honest. It's that I can't bear the thought of inflicting that grief on him. So, it's a tether rather than a support but I'm trying my best to hold on.

That all said, I do feel so bad for you. It's obvious that you have tried to get help and support. Most likely I imagine for your daughter's sake. I also understand the deep concern you have that she is witnessing all this happening to you.

May I ask- What would happen to her if you did go? Are there relatives who would be willing to look after her? It's almost impossible to say whether she would end up more scarred either witnessing you struggle more or, losing you.

It's sad that she isn't enough to make life seem worthwhile but I suppose if we're honest, a lot of us feel that way. It's not that we don't love or care about our loved ones but sometimes, they simply can't help us and the distress we feel is more overwhelming than their love.

I know there are a handful of parents here so, I hope you can find some sollace and support in chatting to them. I do feel so terrible for people going through this who have children. It's bad enough just having family to worry about.

 

[Rymrgand]

Children are not a saving factor. Parents are supposed to be the saving factor of their children.

I'm definitely not a fan of abandoning a child like that. I don't know your circumstances, true, but she won't be able to understand it or be happy about it. A lot of people here can tell you that, even if they kinda understand it, losing a friend to suicide is terrible. Losing a parent as a child is even worse. It will be one of her most important events in her childhood, and not in a good way.

Do you know what will happen with her after you die? Will she be with your partner/siblings? Will she be safe and loved?

 

[Jadeith]

My 3 cents - got slightly similar situation. I want out but also have a child, a little older than yours. I can't say that i don't care about child's feelings because i do and deeply. Unfortunately for the child, my need for eternal peace is stronger and i will eventually ctb. Unless of course something unexpected happens. BUT - there's also sense of duty. I brought this one to the world so i'm obliged to make sure my offspring reaches independence and take care of themselves.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Your child isn't there to save you, your job is to save them and look after them. This is just sick. You seem to care more about your own feelings than the feelings of your own child. How can you make one of the most selfish decisions out there and force someone into existence and then disregard their feelings like this? Why would you have a child if you haven't felt happy in 30 years?

At the end of the day, you are obligated to take care of them now until they are both an adult and completely independent. That's what you basically agreed to when you decided to have a child. I genuinely cannot wrap my head around how you type out all of this shit and not once think that maybe you focusing too much on your feelings and not enough on how your child will likely feel from their perspective. A 12-year-old can't and shouldn't even be focused on finding "happiness and peace". They should be focused on hanging out with their friends getting through middle school and enjoying that awkward sort of time in their life. The fact that you don't even care because you won't be there to see the aftermath is really telling of who you are as a parent. You don't put your child first, you put yourself first. You seem to view your child as some sort of object to gain pleasure from rather than as a human being with their own thoughts and feelings. You prefer to rationalize your selfish decisions rather than confront them and realize your obligation to your kid always comes first. It's disgusting.

 

[howunfortunateforme]

If you are physically well
Then you should stick around for your kids. Mine has seen my physical health decline over the last two years and am not the fun healthy mom she once knew. I am couchboudn and visually impaired bc of medicaton. God I wish I could just take her somewhere my physical limitations and Inabikity to experience joy is what leads me to ctb. It pains me to hurt them but she deserves more. Not a disabled sick mom on the couch who can't do anything with her. If you're physically okay you need to stay.

 

[heyismeman]

Hi, I'm new here and came across this site by chance and my god it feels like a breathe of fresh air, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders to see that not only am I not alone, but also that I can speak freely without being criticised. I'm not sure if anyone feels the same but I've tried therapy, I've spoke to numerous different services about what goes on in my head and nobody understands, which is understandable as most days I don't understand it myself

I have never suffered with MH, 30 year old woman.. I've been through some very traumatic events in my life, ones where I now look back and wonder how did I survive that? Delayed PTSD? Maybe… I don't have the answers, neither does my GP, neither does my therapist… because believe me, I've tried sourcing help but there just isn't any out there and is it fair for me to keep living in this fear? Sadness? Emptiness? Keep living with these voices in my head telling me what a horrible person I am? Am I seriously just expected to get up and go to work, live life as normal and ignore this voice? 13th October 2024 I attempted suicide, failed… 19th October attempted suicide, failed… I've tried my god damn hardest since then to get better, but gradually day after day it becomes harder and I'm at the point now where the thought of peace makes me excited and gives me this sense of happiness, a feeling I've destined for so long. I'm so ready for it, third time lucky. Am I wrong for not feeling guilt anymore? My child is 12yo… people forever say 'how would she feel?' And gods honest truth, I don't care because I won't be here to see the aftermath and truthfully? I think she will be content knowing that I'm finally out of pain as she has seen first hand the struggles I face on a daily basis. Am I what the voice tells me? Am I a horrible person for not feeling guilt anymore? I'm simply surviving, I'm not living and she's doing the same, she worries about me every day and I know that isn't fair, if I'm not here then she needn't worry about me, right? And she can move on and find happiness and peace herself. I can't even say I wish I was happy again because I don't ever recall a time in 30 years where I've felt 'happy' - I'm a twin, polar opposites to my twin sister and we both always joke and say I pulled the short straw, I'm the one with the shit life and bad luck. It's been clear to everyone who knows me that I've never had a good life in 30 years. I was asked once by my therapist, if I could end it all or start again, which one would it be? I'd end it all… I couldn't and wouldn't want to take the risk of potentially been given this shit life again. So I guess my question is, is there anyone else out there who feels that their children are not a saving factor?

I'm ok with anyone wanting to ctb EXEPT if you have children. You must wait till they're older. 18.

Hi, I'm new here and came across this site by chance and my god it feels like a breathe of fresh air, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders to see that not only am I not alone, but also that I can speak freely without being criticised. I'm not sure if anyone feels the same but I've tried therapy, I've spoke to numerous different services about what goes on in my head and nobody understands, which is understandable as most days I don't understand it myself

I have never suffered with MH, 30 year old woman.. I've been through some very traumatic events in my life, ones where I now look back and wonder how did I survive that? Delayed PTSD? Maybe… I don't have the answers, neither does my GP, neither does my therapist… because believe me, I've tried sourcing help but there just isn't any out there and is it fair for me to keep living in this fear? Sadness? Emptiness? Keep living with these voices in my head telling me what a horrible person I am? Am I seriously just expected to get up and go to work, live life as normal and ignore this voice? 13th October 2024 I attempted suicide, failed… 19th October attempted suicide, failed… I've tried my god damn hardest since then to get better, but gradually day after day it becomes harder and I'm at the point now where the thought of peace makes me excited and gives me this sense of happiness, a feeling I've destined for so long. I'm so ready for it, third time lucky. Am I wrong for not feeling guilt anymore? My child is 12yo… people forever say 'how would she feel?' And gods honest truth, I don't care because I won't be here to see the aftermath and truthfully? I think she will be content knowing that I'm finally out of pain as she has seen first hand the struggles I face on a daily basis. Am I what the voice tells me? Am I a horrible person for not feeling guilt anymore? I'm simply surviving, I'm not living and she's doing the same, she worries about me every day and I know that isn't fair, if I'm not here then she needn't worry about me, right? And she can move on and find happiness and peace herself. I can't even say I wish I was happy again because I don't ever recall a time in 30 years where I've felt 'happy' - I'm a twin, polar opposites to my twin sister and we both always joke and say I pulled the short straw, I'm the one with the shit life and bad luck. It's been clear to everyone who knows me that I've never had a good life in 30 years. I was asked once by my therapist, if I could end it all or start again, which one would it be? I'd end it all… I couldn't and wouldn't want to take the risk of potentially been given this shit life again. So I guess my question is, is there anyone else out there who feels that their children are not a saving factor?

You'll beyond traumatize them. You had a child then it's your responsibility. You have to see it through until they're older

 

[NonEssential]

I don't want to get into the argument of whether suicide is selfish or not, but it kinda seems like it if there are people that rely on you.

 

[GlassMoon]

I'm a father myself, a bit older than you. I guess what you are trying to say by "child will be a saving factor" is that the child is kind of an anchor that will give your life a purpose or make you feel that it's your duty to stay. It does not mean that the child will actively safe you by caring about your emotions or your physical well-being. At one time, when I opened up to a therapist about CTB thoughts, she concluded that the children were that kind of an anchor to me. Just like for others, it could be their pets or parents or friends.

A few months later, I entered a deep crisis where everything felt like a burden to me, even loved ones, and I lost the feeling of the anchor. Luckily I still had another anchor at that time. I actually thought that if I were to leave, my children would indeed go to a better place, to someone who will care about them better, even if that were a foster family. The deep depression voice can be very convincing in this regard, telling me how bad of a father I am and what kind of life the children are missing out on because I can't provide it. My psychiatrist told me that this is not true, and that unless you're a very bad parent, with lots of physical violence, your children would be better off having you there rather than having you leave. I heard that statement, but it did not fully enter my head back then.

I think the apathy is blocking the thoughts about how the children might feel after I leave. So I listened to the CTB voice some more, how it thought about which methods to use, which kinds of notes to leave, how I'd be buried, and then how my children would sit in the living room after the funeral without me. At this point, some feelings came back. Also, now, when I see them rely on me for emotional support or just enjoying me being there for them, I can sense into these emotions, but I still have to push myself to do that. As for whether you're a horrible person for not feeling that guilt: Well, I don't feel it either, because all of those emotions are numbed out unless I dig into them. Yes, I understand I should not CTB because of the children, but sometimes I can't feel it.

Now I'm working on recovery, hoping that I won't CTB any time soon, even though I sometimes feel the urge to prepare something for a method, just in case. But I don't give in to that urge.

I hope that you find a way to carry on and find a way to stay with your daughter. If there's anything you'd like to exchange about in private, feel free to DM or leave a reply, since you can't DM yet due to being new here.