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Circles
There's a difference between existing and living.
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,294
Just give your honest opinion about my situation. My grandfather and myself just have a lot of heated history. Now I don't know what to say, damn um…it's just so complicated to explain. I feel like this is a situation that you can't explain unless you're there and understand the history between us. I apologize if I'm going all over the place.
Well he's has cancer and is potentially dying, but he's so rude to me, my sister, and my mother (his daughter). He's just the most complex and complicated man I have ever known. It's just hard to love him. Ever since my mother got sick he's help despite his own health issues and even mine. I've always tried to keep my mouth shut and ignore what he says and such. My mother was abused by him when she was a kid so there's a lot of history with that. But three days ago he got into one of his tantrums about how me and my sister don't got jobs or we aren't doing enough, how disappointing we all are to him, got mad that I mentioned that I want him to stop going to my mom who is sick and bitching to her about us in general and if he has something to say then say it to us and such. I'm on disability if that makes any difference to factor in, there's a lot of mixed history with that and him and how I've always felt less than according to him.I tried to have a reasonable conversation and somehow it just blew up out of proportion and now I'm regretting what I said to him. But at the same time just because he's dying doesn't give him or anyone the excuse to be a complete jerk. He is not obligated to keep coming over here or even have us as family anymore.
Nothing was ever good enough for him, nothing could ever please him. Even despite what's happened to my mother and my health issues I truly tried, maybe not my truest best, but nothing I could do ever could make him just stop being so angry and dysfunctional as fuck all the time. He's seriously mentally ill and it has affected my family so much it hurts.
I'm going to admit what I said to from what I remember and I may be judged for it but fuck it. I literally told him to die alone and that nobody is perfect, how he treats his friends better than his family even saying things such as 'I love you' which he never has with us. It has just always felt like we were nothing but a burden to him. My mother who had to deal with him much longer it's no wonder she's still traumatized by his behavior. I just feel sick and fucked up how dysfunctional my family can be, me included.
Now look man I admit I'm not perfect, I'm mentally ill, I have a lot of issues. But to deal with a dysfunctional family on top of that is a whole layer of shit. I've tried and I keep trying but to feel like a constant disappointment and nothing but a burden to someone has literally pushed me to my limit with him. This may be the last time I'll ever have any kind of relationship with him before he passes. And I hate that and I can't forgive myself for it. I'm not religious, but I hate how deep I've been brought up to always respect your elders yet he can't show respect to us. If both him and my mother are going to pass away then I'd rather just have some semblance of peace for both of them since obviously we can't get along.
I hate this, the regrets just keep adding. I didn't mean for this to be a long story but all well. This makes me feel like a bad person and I guess I am. I feel like the older I get the more bad I become. In a way I feel like I'm becoming like him most especially since he's been my only male role model in my pathetic life. I just want some peace before everything falls apart instead of dealing with a dysfunctional family. Is it that hard to ask for? It probably doesn't excuse my behavior either but damn man I'm just tired of the mental gymnastics going through my head that I did wrong or not. At least I got this out of me, whatever as usual. It's pathetic ain't it.
Well he's has cancer and is potentially dying, but he's so rude to me, my sister, and my mother (his daughter). He's just the most complex and complicated man I have ever known. It's just hard to love him. Ever since my mother got sick he's help despite his own health issues and even mine. I've always tried to keep my mouth shut and ignore what he says and such. My mother was abused by him when she was a kid so there's a lot of history with that. But three days ago he got into one of his tantrums about how me and my sister don't got jobs or we aren't doing enough, how disappointing we all are to him, got mad that I mentioned that I want him to stop going to my mom who is sick and bitching to her about us in general and if he has something to say then say it to us and such. I'm on disability if that makes any difference to factor in, there's a lot of mixed history with that and him and how I've always felt less than according to him.I tried to have a reasonable conversation and somehow it just blew up out of proportion and now I'm regretting what I said to him. But at the same time just because he's dying doesn't give him or anyone the excuse to be a complete jerk. He is not obligated to keep coming over here or even have us as family anymore.
Nothing was ever good enough for him, nothing could ever please him. Even despite what's happened to my mother and my health issues I truly tried, maybe not my truest best, but nothing I could do ever could make him just stop being so angry and dysfunctional as fuck all the time. He's seriously mentally ill and it has affected my family so much it hurts.
I'm going to admit what I said to from what I remember and I may be judged for it but fuck it. I literally told him to die alone and that nobody is perfect, how he treats his friends better than his family even saying things such as 'I love you' which he never has with us. It has just always felt like we were nothing but a burden to him. My mother who had to deal with him much longer it's no wonder she's still traumatized by his behavior. I just feel sick and fucked up how dysfunctional my family can be, me included.
Now look man I admit I'm not perfect, I'm mentally ill, I have a lot of issues. But to deal with a dysfunctional family on top of that is a whole layer of shit. I've tried and I keep trying but to feel like a constant disappointment and nothing but a burden to someone has literally pushed me to my limit with him. This may be the last time I'll ever have any kind of relationship with him before he passes. And I hate that and I can't forgive myself for it. I'm not religious, but I hate how deep I've been brought up to always respect your elders yet he can't show respect to us. If both him and my mother are going to pass away then I'd rather just have some semblance of peace for both of them since obviously we can't get along.
I hate this, the regrets just keep adding. I didn't mean for this to be a long story but all well. This makes me feel like a bad person and I guess I am. I feel like the older I get the more bad I become. In a way I feel like I'm becoming like him most especially since he's been my only male role model in my pathetic life. I just want some peace before everything falls apart instead of dealing with a dysfunctional family. Is it that hard to ask for? It probably doesn't excuse my behavior either but damn man I'm just tired of the mental gymnastics going through my head that I did wrong or not. At least I got this out of me, whatever as usual. It's pathetic ain't it.
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