İnilerim
Member
- Dec 28, 2018
- 54
Think of a time in your life, a single point, where you were at your peak. You had things under control, you were following your passions, putting 100% of your attention into your talents, thrieving at being yourself. Think of what you could have attained if you managed to keep up this state of you for an extended period of time, maybe even a life time.
The only time I was ever close to it, ever even had a chance maintain some of it, was while I was living with my parents. I was one of those kids who never studied for school or did any homework and still got decent grades (major red flag right there). Once I moved out and started studying at university, my focus shifted to studies, which I poured all of myself into. That was rewarding as well, but not at the same kind of level. All I have to show for it are some above-average grades; I didn't even finish the degree. And now that I'm out of that cycle, my entire mind is just consumed with staying alive. Managing interpersonal relations as well as technical issues, while working at my first full time job, consumed so much of me that I had practically nothing else left (I have autistic traits, meaning everything that comes natural to neurotypicals, I have to painstakingly emulate).
I will never again learn, or get good at, or create things as I did back when I was sheltered, and it absolutely murders me inside. I have nothing else left that would give me purpose. Human connections are sweet, but fickle, and take incredible effort to maintain. Having a pet would be nice, but I'm nowhere near stable enough to justify taking care of another being at this point. I have zero interest in getting married or having children (actually leaning antinatalist). Excelling at the few niches I am good at, and being fully immersed in hobbies/interests, made life worth living enough that I went through 3 years of high school bullying with not a shred of suicidal thoughts (those came much later).
The last 10 years have been nothing but a slow ride towards complete stagnation. Most doors are closed by now. Imagining my future is mental torture.
The only time I was ever close to it, ever even had a chance maintain some of it, was while I was living with my parents. I was one of those kids who never studied for school or did any homework and still got decent grades (major red flag right there). Once I moved out and started studying at university, my focus shifted to studies, which I poured all of myself into. That was rewarding as well, but not at the same kind of level. All I have to show for it are some above-average grades; I didn't even finish the degree. And now that I'm out of that cycle, my entire mind is just consumed with staying alive. Managing interpersonal relations as well as technical issues, while working at my first full time job, consumed so much of me that I had practically nothing else left (I have autistic traits, meaning everything that comes natural to neurotypicals, I have to painstakingly emulate).
I will never again learn, or get good at, or create things as I did back when I was sheltered, and it absolutely murders me inside. I have nothing else left that would give me purpose. Human connections are sweet, but fickle, and take incredible effort to maintain. Having a pet would be nice, but I'm nowhere near stable enough to justify taking care of another being at this point. I have zero interest in getting married or having children (actually leaning antinatalist). Excelling at the few niches I am good at, and being fully immersed in hobbies/interests, made life worth living enough that I went through 3 years of high school bullying with not a shred of suicidal thoughts (those came much later).
The last 10 years have been nothing but a slow ride towards complete stagnation. Most doors are closed by now. Imagining my future is mental torture.
