Is this recovery?

[Felodese]

I really don't know what to do. I've been depressed almost my entire life. I've been trying to get proper treatment/help for the last 20 years. I've never really lived. Due to depression all I've been doing is trying to just survive. And this disease and all the shit that's happened in my life has left me a very broken, self-hating, bitter and insecure shell of a man.

A year and a half ago I lost everything (or what little I had), my only reason for living and I hit rock bottom. This is what eventually got me som real help. Once I was very obviously suicidal, I finally qualified to get some help.

Now I've tested all sorts of treatments and medications - I'm still experimenting with meds. And I'm kind of running out of things to try.
I'm also finally getting therapy - something I've been trying to get for 20 years. And I've now reached a point where I both like and trust my therapist.

But I still feel like shit. The meds never quite work, I can't get the CBT to work, I'm having moods swings like never before, I still very much want o kill myself, and I still feel like there's this big hole inside of me.
I can't see a future for myself. I feel like I've wasted or lost my entire life to depression, and now I'm too old for there to be any point in trying to fix it. I've no idea of what "normal" would be or feel like and would basically have to start my life from scratch, completely rebuild myself, my personality, way of thinking, being etc.
I don't really believe that you can truly get better when you've always been depressed. Just getting a bit better would probably take years, and relapses will inevitably happen.
Everything seems hopeless and I mostly just want to give up.

I don't know if I'm getting better o falling deeper down into the hole.
Is this what "recovery" is supposed to be like?
There are moments when I can distract myself and feel sort of ok, but mostly I feel terrible or just empty.

I really feel like just giving up. As it is I'm kind of hoping I'll get worse so I'll finally be able to ctb. Now the only reason why I go to the therapy sessions is because I like my psychologist and enjoy talking with him.
Are all these things a sign of recovery or am I just kidding myself with the idea of getting better?

 

[Toxic Positivity]

Since this is posted in the recovery forum, I'll draw attention to a few things you wrote and share my thoughts:

I've never really lived

Live now.

[...] I hit rock bottom. This is what eventually got me some real help. Once I was very obviously suicidal, I finally qualified to get some help.

It's good that you can recognize an upside to that situation of hitting your lowest. Recovery is not linear, but broadly, you can picture it as a trajectory from your lowest point that trends upward over time despite stumbles.

Everything seems hopeless and I mostly just want to give up.

This is definitely part of recovery. No one can be hopeful, upbeat and goal-oriented 24/7, and like you said, relapsing into dark thinking, self-defeating narratives and old habits, it's going to happen. That said, recovery is even more about what you do when faced with these challenges. My own experience speaks to rest, patience and steady progress (rather than dramatic progress) as the way forward through these feelings.

I can't see a future for myself.

Focus on the very very near-term and don't get lost in the bigger picture. It sounds like, right now, your recovery is focused on countering bad stories you've had for a long time. All prophecies are self-fulfilling; if we believe it is hopeless, it is hopeless. This is a perfectly valid fight to have for now, and a good place to plant your recovery flag. When you are up for it, think about the kind of life you might like and what it might take to get there without spiraling or relapsing in a calm, controlled, rational manner. Recovery looks different for everyone, so I would definitely say that what you are experiencing right now is normal and valid for someone recovering from severe depression and suicidality.

I'm so glad you like your psychologist. During your next session, definitely bring up some of these thoughts and explore where they might lead. Wishing us both the best in recovery

 

[cryone]

Are all these things a sign of recovery or am I just kidding myself with the idea of getting better?

I think it is neither. to b blunt, I wouldn't classify it was recovery if you're hoping to ctb. and if ur hoping to ctb, I don't believe you're convincing yourself that ur recovering. rather, i think what you're doing is convincing yourself that your only option is to ctb by exhausting all forms of recovery. if this is the case, you'd likely b putting in less effort to improve b/c you'd already assume it wouldn't work.

i dont know you and this is kind of an overreaching observation so pls take it w/ a grain of salt, but this is what ive realized from my personal experiences. in the end, i can understand how you feel. recovery is extremely difficult and certainly has its ups and downs. i rly hope it gets better for you b/c the pain of being hopeless is immeasurable.