is this hope?

[UtopianSoliloquies]

I think the time since I started university up until now has had me feeling the worst I've ever felt and yet I seem to get everything I need to do, done. So many times I've wanted to just stay in bed, skip class, and not do any work. I've decided on the night-night method and have prepared my note. My financial situation is stable enough that any failures in school will not catch up with me for many years—at which point I will be long dead. I enjoy absolutely nothing about school. I don't find any of it interesting and the stress is often too much for me to handle. Yet I am too scared to just give up and I don't know why. I want it all to stop so badly, and I could easily do so, but still I feel unable to give up on my studies. It frankly doesn't matter either way. I can't get into any of the programs I want even if I try. If I just gave up, I could at least not feel so shit in my last few months of living. I can only conclude that I harbour some sort of hope for things getting better. I don't feel anything of the sort consciously, but what else could possibly motivate me to put up with any of this shit?

I want to give up. I want so badly to give up. It makes no difference either way, and yet I'm just so scared to do so.

 

[ADeadBunny]

Human survival instinct is an incredable feat of biology. I too have felt this way while preparing past attempts and have preparing my current one now.

For me it's always been an almost fomo sort of feeling, where I want to see what could happen in the next couple months/years. Then I'm reminded of abuse, how I've been emotionally crippled, how I've hurt people because of that. I follow through after that and I give it my best effort. In the past discomfort has been the cause of most of my failures. Although I got damn close with self axphyxiation, if I had a little more pressure on my carotid I'd be dead right now.

I've tried to find enjoyment in life, I've tried to be successful, I've tried to be a proper failure, and it all leads back to me lying in bed begging for death. I've accepted that I'll never be happy and the opportunity for that had been stripped of me at birth.

I will say if you have something to live for, whatever that is, pursue it. It might be something, it also might not, but if you're on your way out anyway I'd check it out. If it turns out to be nothing but disappointment, you can always come back ctb.

I hope you find what you're looking for, whatever that means for you.