Venting Is this even okay?

[AnonymouslyBlue]

I don't know how to start this, this is all so new and alienating to me that if it feels like an outer body experience. I guess I should be used to those, but I can't help in asking myself, "what the fuck am I even doing?", "do I even have a right to feel this way, to fantasize about CTB when I know how many people I'm going to hurt by doing so?"

I don't know if this is venting or telling my story, or maybe both. To be honest, it feels like I'm always there, floating in the grey of what is and what isn't.

Sometimes I feel like I'm lost, or stuck in this never ending cycle that makes my body feel one thing but makes my mind dream another.

Am I allowed to feel as alone as I do even with friends and family that love me? Do I have the right to want to end it even with the knowledge of what could possibly happen to my family when I do? Am I even as depressed as I feel that I am or is this just another phase that I'm going through and it'll pass eventually, like they always do.

But most importantly, if this is a phase, when will it come back and I'm once again asking the same questions?

I'm not sure what's right and what's wrong anymore. Sometimes it matters. Sometimes it doesn't.

So what is the right answer here because I'm fucking clueless?

 

[WilliamKline]

You can see this place as many different things, one of which is as a form of therapy, a place to find like-minded souls, a place to feel a genuine connection, knowing you're not alone in your thoughts. For others it's a place to figure out practicalities to leave in a peaceful and thoughtful manner as possible.

My take on it is many here suffer on such a level that death seems like the only possible way 'forward'. However, since it being a taboo subject many are forced to endure these agonising thoughts alone. Just sharing them and knowing you are not alone can be a great release.

In my personal experience, sharing my deathwish is an attempt to share the depth of my suffering - the suffering seems to be a worse fate than death oftentimes, in which case CTB becomes a realistic option. It's not being allowed to share that deathwish that makes me feel like the depth of my suffering is not acknowledged. Having to hide and mask such thoughts and feelings can make you feel even more isolated, out of place and unloved. This place made me feel that even if I might be crazy wanting to CTB, I'm not alone in that respect. And if I do decide to go ahead with it, it'll be done in a well thought-out manner mimizing suffering on both myself and my social surrounding.

How about instead of beating yourself up for being in this place you accept you are in this place of kindred souls and expressing your deepest feelings and fears can actually help you make some sense of the world again.

I say this with love and understanding and am not encouraging any particular path, just that opening up and sharing can be helpful. Hang in there

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

You can see this place as many different things, one of which is as a form of therapy, a place to find like-minded souls, a place to feel a genuine connection, knowing you're not alone in your thoughts. For others it's a place to figure out practicalities to leave in a peaceful and thoughtful manner as possible.

My take on it is many here suffer on such a level that death seems like the only possible way 'forward'. However, since it being a taboo subject many are forced to endure these agonising thoughts alone. Just sharing them and knowing you are not alone can be a great release.

In my personal experience, sharing my deathwish is an attempt to share the depth of my suffering - the suffering seems to be a worse fate than death oftentimes, in which case CTB becomes a realistic option. It's not being allowed to share that deathwish that makes me feel like the depth of my suffering is not acknowledged. Having to hide and mask such thoughts and feelings can make you feel even more isolated, out of place and unloved. This place made me feel that even if I might be crazy wanting to CTB, I'm not alone in that respect. And if I do decide to go ahead with it, it'll be done in a well thought-out manner mimizing suffering on both myself and my social surrounding.

How about instead of beating yourself up for being in this place you accept you are in this place of kindred souls and expressing your deepest feelings and fears can actually help you make some sense of the world again.

I say this with love and understanding and am not encouraging any particular path, just that opening up and sharing can be helpful. Hang in there

I don't really know how to reply to you, except saying thank you. I'm not sure what I'm exactly thanking you for, if it's because you took the time to read my words and actually respond or if it's because you didn't make me feel idiotic for saying the things that I did.

I guess I'm just scared and afraid that I will get lost amongst the chaos again, that my voice will go unheard once more and I'll be left resenting even coming forward about what's going on in my head. It's happened more than I like to admit, and I guess I'm curious to know how to go forward now that I'm out there, using this space for an escape, to what - I'm not sure yet, but definitely an escape to something.

I'm afraid to ask and afraid to reach out, afraid that what I'm doing is wrong and I'll just end up regretting all of this tomorrow when I wake up and I have another "good moment", you know, those few seconds or minutes where life isn't as bad as it seems?

I'm tired of the hurting and tired of the pain, and even though I know that this is a place where people will understand and familiarize with me on a certain level, I can't help but worry that this is all for nothing and I'm just plunging myself deeper into the rabbit hole.

 

[WilliamKline]

Was just talking with another member on here about the echo chamber that is our own head - thoughts that cannot be let out will reinforce and keep echoing. Just like anyone else I can only relate from personal experience but the space you seem to be in sounds very familiar to me.

I'm probably a bit older than you but I myself have only recently started opening up - not just on this forum but also to friends and family. It doesn't directly improve the situation I'm in (physical illness in combination with being prone to depression and anxiety) - but it has improved my perspective on things.

When talking to ourselves we wish to come to a conclusion, either white or black. Either live happily (or with the hopes of being happy and having a good life) or nothing at all, translating to death. Opening up and sharing, and this forum is a very safe place of doing so, helps us to live with the grey, nothing is ever really completely white or black. Also, in opening up to others I've noticed people opening up to me. Since I'm sharing my troubles people share their suffering with me more than ever, which, maybe paradoxically, makes me feel quite good. Knowing I can help by listening and also by knowing that others' lives are also some shade of grey instead of being white perfect lives.

 

[Thanatos]

You have a right to feel everything that you do. You also have the right to choose what to do about it. I think you should keep opening up, it's okay to be confused about these things.

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

Was just talking with another member on here about the echo chamber that is our own head - thoughts that cannot be let out will reinforce and keep echoing. Just like anyone else I can only relate from personal experience but the space you seem to be in sounds very familiar to me.

I'm probably a bit older than you but I myself have only recently started opening up - not just on this forum but also to friends and family. It doesn't directly improve the situation I'm in (physical illness in combination with being prone to depression and anxiety) - but it has improved my perspective on things.

When talking to ourselves we wish to come to a conclusion, either white or black. Either live happily (or with the hopes of being happy and having a good life) or nothing at all, translating to death. Opening up and sharing, and this forum is a very safe place of doing to, helps us to live with the grey, nothing is ever really completely white or black. Also, in opening up to others I've noticed people opening up to me. Since I'm sharing my troubles people share their suffering with me more than ever, which, maybe paradoxically, makes me feel quite good. Knowing I can help by listening and also by knowing that others' lives are also some shade of grey instead of being white perfect lives.

I like that analogy, "the echo chamber that is our own head", in some ways it makes sense and some ways, it doesn't.

Just like an echo, clear at first but the more it repeats itself the more distorted it gets until it's not even clear what was meant to be said in the first place. But what if it's a vacuum as well? What if everything that you say to yourself never gets repeated but is sucked up and you're just sitting there, saying the same thing every time without even hearing it? Or at least, it can feel like that can't it? The emptiness and loniless in one's mind when they're on a path to self destruction?

God, that sounds bad doesn't it? "on a path to self destruction?" it sounds so surreal, so, 'belittling' when I put it like that. But it feels so right at the same time, does that even make sense?

Probably not, living in the grey as you put it never and will never make sense will it? Except to those living in it I guess, but isn't that the scary thing about this? That this might be the only safe place to come and open up to?

My family is old school, the whole "depression problem" is a way to get attention in their eyes, just a "woe is me" attitude that some pills and a therapy lesson can fix, and my friends, maybe I'm wrong, but they don't really grasp the concept of sometimes life is shit and things won't always be okay tomorrow.

So how do you do it? Opening up, trusting this place full of strangers to understand who you are and what you're feeling? How do you get the courage to take a stand and say, "this is me and this is how I feel?"

I tried that, and I'm sorry for going on so much about me personally but when I tried that, my parents brushed it under the carpet as nothing more than teen angst, that was 6 years ago and I'm still here, with oblivois friends but now afraid to go to either of them incase I get another comment like, "that's fucked up, maybe you should just think happy things?"

I don't even know if I want to CTB sometimes. Some days it's very clear, some days I look forward to what could happen and what the weekend holds, I just know that I want an out, a big one and want to stop this internal war of,

"am I depressed and I need help? Or am I just being over dramatic and I should move on?"

 

[JimFord99]

It is easier to trust and talk to strangers. No pre-justice, no opinion, just one to one. You are not over dramatic.

 

[WilliamKline]

Well yes, an echo dies down but thinking repeating thoughts (rumination) is like shouting in a well contiuously, louder and louder.

I'm sorry your family isn't serious or understanding about your thoughts and feelings. I guess I'm lucky in a way - although I've never really seen it like that - depression runs in our family. Practically everyone is intimately familiar with it because of personal experience.

Also, what I found helped - to join a support group. I've always been a fan of the movie Fight Club so I actually thought it quite an exciting experience. It has helped me though since there's people there who know that you're going through the same thing and it's so much easier opening up.

Also, you're talking about having regrets about joining this forum or opening up tomorrow or some other time you feel better. Please do see that it is very dangerous to define yourself - either as being the 'self destructive' person venting on this forum or being a 'happy, positive' person. Those thoughts about yourself limit you in your true experience. Everyone is more complex than a couple of words can describe or define, try and have a look at your self-definition (the story you tell about yourself) and how that might limit you

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

It is easier to trust and talk to strangers. No pre-justice, no opinion, just one to one. You are not over dramatic.

What if you don't get that one to one? And you're still left feeling confused, and misunderstood? Or what if you do find that one to one but it doesn't help?

Do you keep trying? Or do you go with the voice in your head that says give up?

 

[JimFord99]

What if you don't get that one to one? And you're still left feeling confused, and misunderstood? Or what if you do find that one to one but it doesn't help?

Do you keep trying? Or do you go with the voice in your head that says give up?

Have you tried a one to one here? What make you think you won't get help?

 

[WilliamKline]

What if you don't get that one to one? And you're still left feeling confused, and misunderstood? Or what if you do find that one to one but it doesn't help?

Do you keep trying? Or do you go with the voice in your head that says give up?

I would highly recommend you and anyone reading along to read the book Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery by Chögyam Trungpa. Contains a lot of wisdom and doesn't require you to buy into Buddhist beliefs at all

 

[AnonymouslyBlue]

Have you tried a one to one here? What make you think you won't get help?

I guess I'm just scared of rejection, of being misunderstood and being told off for how I feel. It's hard for me to find someone to open up to, even with the safety net of never having to see or meet that person in real life. It's scary, and I have a tendency to let fear control me...hell, I don't even know how to go about finding that one to one in a place so big as this. What makes my problems so important that a person will take their time to hear them?
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm being a Debby downer and I'll give it a try, both the book and finding that one to one. And thank you, for helping me and listening and taking the time to hear me

 

[JimFord99]

I guess I'm just scared of rejection, of being misunderstood and being told off for how I feel. It's hard for me to find someone to open up to, even with the safety net of never having to see or meet that person in real life. It's scary, and I have a tendency to let fear control me...hell, I don't even know how to go about finding that one to one in a place so big as this. What makes my problems so important that a person will take their time to hear them?

That is the beauty here, anonymous. Nobody here will tell you off. Do not let fear control you life.

 

[WilliamKline]

@AnonymouslyBlue can't send you a PM yet, you're probably not a member long enough or haven't posted enough or something- not sure what the rules are. Send me a message anytime, I'm here to listen