(Translated from dutch)
To my mom, dad, (sibling) and (sibling).
I am so sorry.
I tried everything in my power to change the odds. My gender dysphoria is too debilitating for me to do anything or reach any goal in this lifetime. As you know, I have tried my hardest, but I constantly fail. Finishing my degree in Aritificial Intelligence was my ultimate goal and my passion, contributing to society in that way was something I really wanted to do, to give back, and to pay back the times that I layed depressed and useless in my bedroom, but here I am, failing, again, I think you must be used to it by now...
Unfortunately, I have reached the limit of what I can handle. I wanted to stay alive to spare you all the pain of my passing. But the pain of existing is now exceeding the wish to do so. That is so selfish of me. And if you're angry with me for this action I wholeheartedly understand...
Realistically, no one, other than you guys, will ever truely recognize me as the woman that I know I am... it would forever be a struggle and I have already started experiencing so much bullshit for being me... I think the stories I have told you are enough evidence that I am seen as a freak of nature rather than a woman with a really unfortunate birth defect.
Best case scenario I would be able to fix my body with costly surgery. Which I could never afford if I don't finish my degree. So that I could live my life and do the thing that I love so much, reading, studying, being in nature, being with you guys...
Even when I am alone, even when I am quitetly reading something even then I cannot truely just let go, the dysphoric thoughts and feelings haunt me constantly and I cannot get rid of them... I know that even if I managed to get the reconstructive surgeries that I need, that still wouldn't be enough...
the only helpful thing is sleeping. So logically... eternally sleeping is something I crave.
I am sorry it had to go this way. You did everything you could. You were so supportive and you were so loving and understanding to my situation. You're the best people I have ever met in my life.
I love you all so much, this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make... I wish it went different cause I already miss you guys knowing that I won't ever see you again. And it hurts really very bad.
Mom... please stay strong for sibling and sibling. I think you know deep down that, no matter how hard it is to accept, that this is what had to happen. I just had to go. I hope you remember the good times and the countless laughs that we shared even when I was horribly depressed you managed to bring rays of light to my life and I cannot thank you enough for that. I love you so much. Thank you. I love you mom.
Dad... I know you had a hard time accepting that I turned out to be a daughter instead of a son. I just hope that you don't blame yourself for any of this. It was and will never be your fault. You did what you could. I mean it. I love you so much.
(Sibling and sibling)... I am so extremely sorry. I wish I could've stayed. If only for you guys. But I had to go. I had to. I am so sorry. I love you more than you'll ever know.
I hope you all remember that you did 100% everything that you could do and that there is nothing that you could've or should've done to change my decision.
Goodbye my loved ones.
(- name)
To my mom, dad, (sibling) and (sibling).
I am so sorry.
I tried everything in my power to change the odds. My gender dysphoria is too debilitating for me to do anything or reach any goal in this lifetime. As you know, I have tried my hardest, but I constantly fail. Finishing my degree in Aritificial Intelligence was my ultimate goal and my passion, contributing to society in that way was something I really wanted to do, to give back, and to pay back the times that I layed depressed and useless in my bedroom, but here I am, failing, again, I think you must be used to it by now...
Unfortunately, I have reached the limit of what I can handle. I wanted to stay alive to spare you all the pain of my passing. But the pain of existing is now exceeding the wish to do so. That is so selfish of me. And if you're angry with me for this action I wholeheartedly understand...
Realistically, no one, other than you guys, will ever truely recognize me as the woman that I know I am... it would forever be a struggle and I have already started experiencing so much bullshit for being me... I think the stories I have told you are enough evidence that I am seen as a freak of nature rather than a woman with a really unfortunate birth defect.
Best case scenario I would be able to fix my body with costly surgery. Which I could never afford if I don't finish my degree. So that I could live my life and do the thing that I love so much, reading, studying, being in nature, being with you guys...
Even when I am alone, even when I am quitetly reading something even then I cannot truely just let go, the dysphoric thoughts and feelings haunt me constantly and I cannot get rid of them... I know that even if I managed to get the reconstructive surgeries that I need, that still wouldn't be enough...
the only helpful thing is sleeping. So logically... eternally sleeping is something I crave.
I am sorry it had to go this way. You did everything you could. You were so supportive and you were so loving and understanding to my situation. You're the best people I have ever met in my life.
I love you all so much, this was the hardest decision I've ever had to make... I wish it went different cause I already miss you guys knowing that I won't ever see you again. And it hurts really very bad.
Mom... please stay strong for sibling and sibling. I think you know deep down that, no matter how hard it is to accept, that this is what had to happen. I just had to go. I hope you remember the good times and the countless laughs that we shared even when I was horribly depressed you managed to bring rays of light to my life and I cannot thank you enough for that. I love you so much. Thank you. I love you mom.
Dad... I know you had a hard time accepting that I turned out to be a daughter instead of a son. I just hope that you don't blame yourself for any of this. It was and will never be your fault. You did what you could. I mean it. I love you so much.
(Sibling and sibling)... I am so extremely sorry. I wish I could've stayed. If only for you guys. But I had to go. I had to. I am so sorry. I love you more than you'll ever know.
I hope you all remember that you did 100% everything that you could do and that there is nothing that you could've or should've done to change my decision.
Goodbye my loved ones.
(- name)
