Help Is there someone who has somewhat recovered despite wasting years of their life being depressed/suicidal?

[Circles]

I just feel like it's hopeless for me. Im 27 and yet I feel like I've already ran out of chances with life. Any progress I make, any self improvement that I try ends with failure with nothing to show for it. I'm trying. I really am as compared to how I was 3 months ago, but I honestly fucking feel some people are just too far gone to ever change things and to ever recover let alone have a fucking life. I'm just... I feel sick that I've wasted most of my 20s being depressed and suicidal and I don't know what to do. I can't believe things will get better cause it never has for me, but my fucking god I want to try atleast. But my efforts amount to nothing. Is there anyone who understands this? Is there anyone who recovered from a similar situation despite being suicidal for years?

 

[whatevs]

I'm 30 and I have to say this age range is all or nothing, IMO. If you haven't built something by now (socially and professionally), you are fucked, or you have to hurry up and start building something. That's mundane talk and we alll understand that angle.

Then, if you have a mystic side, you are free to explore detachment from this absurd, transient reality. I have built something for myself outside of the social and professional and that's my research into the conspiratorial, bizarre and paranormal, which has shown me that this reality isn't what all the people striving to be winners think it is. I don't know what it is either, by the way, I just have a vague sense that what "winning" might be for me can be completely different than what is normally understood. This is both a "cope" and the truth.

 

[Foresight]

I'm 30 and I have to say this age range is all or nothing, IMO. If you haven't built something by now (socially and professionally), you are fucked, or you have to hurry up and start building something. That's mundane talk and we alll understand that angle.

Then, if you have a mystic side, you are free to explore detachment from this absurd, transient reality. I have built something for myself outside of the social and professional and that's my research into the conspiratorial, bizarre and paranormal, which has shown me that this reality isn't what all the people striving to be winners think it is. I don't know what it is either, by the way, I just have a vague sense that what "winning" might be for me can be completely different than what is normally understood. This is both a "cope" and the truth.

I have a lot of respect for that path. I am down a similar road.

I haven't made it in long term recovery yet but I'm trying. I've been an outcast in society for 8 years. My 20s were a trainwreck. I did manage to get a bachelor's degree after 8 years and 3 schools. I completed my studies online. Often times I hate myself, especially when I start comparing myself to others. Sometimes I feel proud of my efforts. When you attempt to climb out of the depths of hell you have to give yourself credit. No matter what happens you have to say it's okay, you're doing the best you can. It's hard.

 

[Ada]

Every now and then I have a good period and life is worth living. Over the years I have learned to appreciate the melancholy. Now, I feel more like contemplating life rather than living it.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

Yes. Only because I went to a Bible study fellowship one day not intending to be Christian or anything. I just went because I wanted to be around people. Much to my surprise, I was really moved by the way the minister taught and so I kept going. Over time I began to notice a shift in myself because they taught me how God sees us, and explained to me why our world is messed up. Things began to get straightened out for me and I became far less suicidal because I now understood how much God loves us and how simple life really is. We just make things really complicated because we never got taught how to live correctly according to God. He really doesn't want that much from us. Mainly he wanted us to be his family and not to live for ourselves like society trains us into doing.

 

[Sherri]

I am getting better but not quite there yet. Dunno if I will ever be 100%. I try daily to try my best and leave the house, be social and all of those things, but the enjoyment is not quite what it used to be, in part also because of the state of the world, masks, vaccination books to be carried at all times, the world has changed and I'm still stuck in the past. I hope one day get At least to 70%, I'm ok with that.

 

[ncmxm]

I'm in a similar situation @Circles

I wasted my teens and early 20s

I'm not there yet but I hope to get there, I tell myself that what matters is what I'm doing now, and that I try to do the things I wish I'd done earlier now

Hope you get there

 

[Circles]

I'm in a similar situation @Circles

I wasted my teens and early 20s

I'm not there yet but I hope to get there, I tell myself that what matters is what I'm doing now, and that I try to do the things I wish I'd done earlier now

Hope you get there

I appreciate it. I just idk I feel like if you don't 'develop' yourself like becoming an adult or learning social skills or whatever after a certain age that it just becomes so damn hard. I'm trying to convince myself to give life one last real try before I do it, but I feel like because I wasted so much of my youth already being suicidal there's no turning back. It's really like some people are too far gone and fucked to change things after a certain point. But I'll try and see.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I just feel like it's hopeless for me. Im 27 and yet I feel like I've already ran out of chances with life. Any progress I make, any self improvement that I try ends with failure with nothing to show for it. I'm trying. I really am as compared to how I was 3 months ago, but I honestly fucking feel some people are just too far gone to ever change things and to ever recover let alone have a fucking life. I'm just... I feel sick that I've wasted most of my 20s being depressed and suicidal and I don't know what to do. I can't believe things will get better cause it never has for me, but my fucking god I want to try atleast. But my efforts amount to nothing. Is there anyone who understands this? Is there anyone who recovered from a similar situation despite being suicidal for years?

I can honestly say that my life is much better now than it was in my 20s and 30s. Some periods were very, very tough but I managed to ride them out and I have come out much better on the other side.

My life took a lot longer than I thought it would to settle down and get in a better groove. Meds helped a lot, and still do. I met my husband in my mid-thirties, way later than I expected to get married. I had already decided not to have kids, so that has not been a factor.

A stranger making a rude comment can still ruin my day, and I miss being able to work, but all in all, things are not too bad.

 

[freedompass]

My 20's were the worst decade of my life honestly. The best were my 40's. I mean we are all told those are our best years but by the same token 'youth is wasted on the young'! Was certainly true for me! Fuck society's expectations. At times I see myself as actually having achieved the life I aspired to at 20. A kind of hermit-nun. I no longer believe in God though. But as others have said there is value in a more contemplative path. John Lennon sang 'Watching the Wheels'. I relate to that song. 'People say I'm crazy/dreaming my life away'. But who cares what they think? Even contemplating death and suicide may bring about deeper philosophical thought, it's not necessarily 'a waste'. Ultimately everything is meaningless. As we get older we tend to give exponentially less of a fuck about what is expected as the sheer absurdity of existence reveals itself more and more. Good luck whatever you decide to do OP.

 

[whatevs]

When you attempt to climb out of the depths of hell you have to give yourself credit. No matter what happens you have to say it's okay, you're doing the best you can. It's hard.

Exactly, well put. What is effortless for some is a whole journey for us, so who is really the hard worker, the achiever and the winner? Something to ponder about. The closer to a game with cheat codes that something is, the less rewarding it feels.

Also, in this process we are forced to discard what we don't need, even if society deems it indispensable. I have made both a cope and a weight-lowering strategy over time, doing what I can, discarding what doesn't work for me, and appreciating what does, even if nobody or very few can see it.

 

[KimKevorkian]

I have a lot of respect for that path. I am down a similar road.

I haven't made it in long term recovery yet but I'm trying. I've been an outcast in society for 8 years. My 20s were a trainwreck. I did manage to get a bachelor's degree after 8 years and 3 schools. I completed my studies online. Often times I hate myself, especially when I start comparing myself to others. Sometimes I feel proud of my efforts. When you attempt to climb out of the depths of hell you have to give yourself credit. No matter what happens you have to say it's okay, you're doing the best you can. It's hard.

Yep. Progress, not perfection. It's very tough to not buy into the dominant capitalist culture's nonstop carny culture. But we can go a different way. Alan Watts has given me a lot of food for thought. It's hard to be poised when facing survival (as our dear friend from Ukraine knows all too well, yet is able to be a shining inspiration), but even though I'm mostly an atheist, I have .00000000001% of me that remains curious and open to parallel universe talk (Superstring Theory) etc. Have you ever watched New Thinking Allowed on YouTube? I don't buy into much supernatural stuff, but it's interesting. I just met a fellow yesterday who had been a pro MMA fighter and was run over by a semi! He was legally dead and was crushed and torn up as you can well imagine. He was suicidal. He fought back and after years he started his own biz training salespeople and got married a year ago (they've been together ten years). Anyway, he said nothing abt a light. He said it a shifting panorama of scenes. It was like water rising as he was in a marsh, I think. It kept getting higher and higher as he struggled to breathe, until a hand reached out and pulled him out of there. He didn't attribute that hand to "god" or Jesus or any of that. He simply became a highly curious person and more driven I guess. I don't know. I wish I knew what made the big difference for him in turning around his S.I. DIpstick here didn't think to ask him this most obvious of questions. I could just die. Oh wait, that's why I'm here. Note to self.
Moral: It can get better. Another good book is by James Clear, called ATOMIC HABITS. Just got a book at the library titled CAPTURE ((Unraveling The Mystery of Mental Suffering) by David Kessler, M.D. Looks quite interesting. Though wish it was available in large print, like a used car contract. Of course anything by Barbara Sher is terrific. We're all in this dance with our death instinct versus when a tap on our shoulder happens and death is supplanted with the urge to live creatively and in a fulfilled manner. They keep tapping us on the shoulder and replacing the other partner. I applaud any small efforts you have made, are making, or will make. I washed the damn dishes for first time in like five days. I wd usually wash just a plate and a frying pan. So, I get it. Some of us have certain constitutions that are a challenge to us. I know this from my personal experience. I also think we tend to be much more sensitive than much of the rest of our fellow humans. Thank 'god' for SS and kindred folks who may be the only ones who can understand what we're going through. Not all, but I'm so impressed with this space. It's special.

 

[western_heart]

I'm somewhat recovered after spending most of my 20s in a depressed, dissociated haze. Back to work after six years unemployed.

Last year I embraced being unstable, went along with the highs and the lows. Taking more risks. Using the right drugs more aggressively. Listened to the angels. Aimed for recovery (from CPTSD). Asking for support, and most importantly, accepting it when offered.

Still unstable, but I can pretend to be a person well enough to keep my job. (So far)

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Medication has really helped me. I spent most of my life always feeling sad and alone. I'm 22 but a senior in college so I understand how you feel about it being too late. My problems are more social, and my main concern was that I had missed out on the only chance I had to make lasting social connections and relationships.

With medications I can see the light. It doesn't feel like my thoughts control every single aspect of my life. It's still scary to do things but I can get through the situation without acting ridiculous or ending up in an suicidal spiral after.

like for reference, two months ago I would go to work and cry after all my shifts. I sometimes got so upset about how I did during my job that I wouldn't want to move from my bed for the rest of the day. I also would not cook if my roommates were around since I was afraid they'd make fun of the smell. It led to like 3-day periods where I would not eat at all.

Now I cook without issue. I even make small talk with my roommates if they walk in while I cook. The other day I went to work kinda drunk, and I'm sure my students noticed, but it still went ok. And i just came home and relaxed. It was over, it was a mistake. I'll live.

It's still hard, and the thoughts still come up. but it's been nice not constantly thinking about killing myself. I used to log into SS almost every day, now I only come here occassionally.

 

[CameronFrye]

Medication has really helped me. I spent most of my life always feeling sad and alone. I'm 22 but a senior in college so I understand how you feel about it being too late. My problems are more social, and my main concern was that I had missed out on the only chance I had to make lasting social connections and relationships.

With medications I can see the light. It doesn't feel like my thoughts control every single aspect of my life. It's still scary to do things but I can get through the situation without acting ridiculous or ending up in an suicidal spiral after.

This is literally me, and I even dropped out because of how bad it got. If you don't mind sharing what medications worked for you? It seems pointless to keep trying when I feel like I never got to be a kid, a teenager, or a college student because of the lack of social relationships and life experience and now I'm expected to be an adult and I don't know if I can do it.

 

[Britvik]

Yes!
I have had recurring bouts of depression/despair since I was a teenager, several decades ago. As I have become more experienced at life I have been able to exert more control over my mind. This didn't come quickly or easily and I am still vulnerable, if too many of life's curve balls come all at once. But, I'm much, MUCH, stronger than I was in my teens and 20s.

How?
Trying and applying everything I have come across. Generally, I'm not much of a quitter, hence my successful avoidance of suicide. Therefore, I've taken prescribed medicines, attended psychological therapy and tried to apply as much good advice as possible. This has brought successes that led to further successes, e.g. meeting my wife and having a family; becoming qualified and starting a profession; etc… etc..
Successes bring confidence and, most importantly, hope. Slowly, a stable platform can be built on which to launch further endeavours and, *hopefully* experience further successes.

Step by step.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

This is literally me, and I even dropped out because of how bad it got. If you don't mind sharing what medications worked for you? It seems pointless to keep trying when I feel like I never got to be a kid, a teenager, or a college student because of the lack of social relationships and life experience and now I'm expected to be an adult and I don't know if I can do it.

I take Zoloft 100mg every night. just a note it did literally nothing to me til I increased dose from 50mg to 100mg. Now I can feel the emotional differences but I also feel extremely tired haha. Still not sure if the tiredness is Zoloft-related, sleep habits related, or drinking related since I just started drinking last month

Its the first and only med I've tried so far

 

[dandan]

me Circles, I was really depressed from 18 to 37, im now nearly 40
I've recovered, my ctb symptoms and depression were relieved by TRT
however life has been a real challenge!! im nearly depressed, im kind of lost, it has been all my fault, these past 3 years I've made wrong decisions which will affect my whole life... damm, wrong choices at the moment... lost a person by sending her with a more "normal" guy, she found it inmediately
wrong choices with crypto, lost a life's money


at the moment I know I'm responsible for it
and its hard swallowing that pill, but I am responsible, no matter what, even if my life history made me took those choices, I'm still responsible

therefore, at the moment im trying to figure out how to live my life
I have to grow responsability for my own happiness and my own luck
I have to make my own luck, I cant expect or hope for luck to hit me

that takes some risk, effort, and possible broken dreams, or lousy results
damn... I already had it, the gir, the money.... haha I lost it damn

even so, no longer depressed like I was eagerly chasing ctb, various lousy attempts, three years ago, I kept N in my fridge, still have it there....
Plus, recovered, I bought a car and took a loan on a small crapy house haha , good location but the house damn... It's ok , I was living dead... Now I'm going to treat myself, I'm busy this next week so I'll go to Costco now and buy some food.... Instead of lying dead at my mom's house bed more than a couple years ago